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When I worked in corporate I had set hours: 8:30-4:30. I had to be there and fill the time in between with work or if there wasn’t enough work, I had to look busy. That “set hours” mentality has been tough to unlearn even though it’s been almost two years since I haven’t worked in corporate. It’s an old habit that has recently cropped up with mega stress for me!

As a business owner I can set my own hours and be as efficient or as laid back as I want. Of course the most logical thing for a business owner to do is to be efficient. My drive for efficiency was stressing me out! It’s been a big source of overwhelm for me because my to do list never really gets shorter. In fact, it just keeps growing.

One day Bryan said to me that I don’t have to stick to the usual corporate hours anymore – I work in my own business and I can set my hours! So why was I getting all stressed out? Indeed, why?

I had followed experts’ advice and put a pause on all extra activities while I was building my business foundation. The problem now was that I never hit play on those fun things again. I continued to deny myself fun times in the interest of efficiency and that darned to do list. This meant that because I wasn’t having any fun I wasn’t being any fun either.

I was snippy with the kids and with Bryan. I wasn’t present or mindful with them and I felt bad about it – but I couldn’t really put my finger on what my biggest source of stress was!

Then Christmas came around and I started reading some of my old craft magazines. I loved crafting and drawing and painting and sewing but I had put a pause on it! Well, it was time to unpause.

SO this past weekend I dug out a bunch of paints, paper, and other doodads and the kids and I made Christmas cards. And we had so much fun! I didn’t care about the mess or the glitter that even ended up on our cats somehow. I just lost myself in the fun of creating again.

I got this cool book from a new friend named Violette who is a great artist lives in a magical cottage in White Rock. She told me that art saved her life and she wrote this book called Journal Bliss. Now I was rediscovering how art was putting fun back into my life.

The kids made amazing creations and my cards are pretty cool too. Now I am definitely going to make the time every day to doodle or draw something. It makes me happy. And it’s simply true that when Mama’s happy so is the rest of the family. I have more patience and I feel more joyous around my family. I’m sure they are glad to have a more fun mommy too!

Is there something that you have put a pause on that you want to go back to doing? Would it fill your soul to dive back into that activity?

I’d love to know what it is! Please share on my Facebook page or in the comments.

Here are some of our creations:

The Elephant In The Room Series: Making the Uncomfortable Comfortable is a series of articles that bring you expert knowledge on uncomfortable topics that you may be avoiding.  Our intention is to bring light to these topics and make them more approachable to talk about.  Awareness, not avoidance, is the only way change for the better will take place within you, your family, your community and the world.

Without a doubt, suddenly the most important thing in a rookie mom’s life is BABY. It’s her new love, infatuation, project, job and hobby all rolled into one. Does this new obsession get in the way of established relationships? Quite often, yes it does. Those who were used to being the focus of Mom’s affection and attention now have to take a back seat, at least while she becomes accustomed to a new role and gets to grips with how to juggle priorities. Number one on this list is most likely the man in her life. I’m not suggesting that new parents’ relationships are about to fall apart or be less happy than before, but there are bound to be some ups and downs and big changes ahead while you readjust to being a family. Most moms admit that relationship issues and arguments with their man increased once a new baby was around.

Let’s face it ladies: we have little choice when it comes to bearing the brunt of the parenting experience in the early days. For a start giving birth and breastfeeding are obviously down to us. It’s our bodies (and minds) that change; change again; then refuse to change back the way we want them to. It’s us that develop the hearing of bats; sense of smell of a bloodhound; eyes in the backs of our heads; and as many arms as an octopus (we wished). In most cases it’s also us that will provide the lion’s (sorry, lioness’s) share of the care giving, at least for the first year. As hard as dads might try, they can’t fight nature and it is women whose “Spidey Senses” will be on full alert for the foreseeable future to nurture and protect the baby no matter what. But this sudden shift in the allocation of duties can cause a rift. Mom can resent that Dad is able to resume a more normal way of life whereas she is literally left ‘holding the baby’.

If strains are starting to show in your relationship now that you are rookie parents, rest assured you aren’t the only ones. In “The Audacity of Hope” even the Obamas admit to problems after the arrival of their babies. They were both tired and stressed, but while Barack pursued his (admittedly very important) career, the child rearing fell mostly on Michelle’s shoulders. As a career woman herself, attempting to juggle a part time job and the children raised resentment and the complaint: “I never thought I’d have to raise a family alone”.

Here are just a few ways to address any discontent and keep those feelings of jealousy and resentment at bay:

• It’s extremely important to keep the lines of communication open. You may be resenting how much work is falling on your shoulders, but don’t assume your partner can read your mind. Keeping dissatisfaction bottled up will lead your partner to assume everything is progressing perfectly as you fume silently.
• Let Dad take the reigns as often as possible. Make sure to include your partner in the everyday running of the new family. He can’t appreciate how tough motherhood is if he’s not fully aware.

Make sure you get time off from being a mommy. From the start, try to take at least an hour a week to yourself to relax and unwind. Also, try to swing a date night at least once a month to remind yourselves you both still exist as a couple rather than ‘Mommy and Daddy’.

This Week’s Elephant Topic Experts:

Erica Wells and Lorraine Regal

Authors Erica Wells and Lorraine Regel are real moms who have experienced the everyday ups and downs of new motherhood. Fed up with parenting resources that only provided basic information on what Mommy and Baby “should” be doing, in The Survival Guide for Rookie Moms the two Vancouver moms have provided information, tips and reassuring answers to every new mom’s questions with warmth, humour, and unflinching honesty.

 The Survival Guide for Rookie Moms (John Wiley, Canada, 2010) spills the dark and dirty beans on what it’s really like to survive that first incredible year of motherhood – available now in book stores across Canada and the USA or online at on Amazon.ca, ChaptersIndigo.ca and Amazon.com

In the movie The Smurfs the main human character, Patrick, has a very demanding boss. She tells Patrick that she fired his predecessor because he gave her what she asked for – not what she wanted.  Patrick is perplexed when she goes on to say

“How am I supposed to know what to ask for when I don’t even know what I want?”

 I recently received an amazing gift to spend a lot more time with my family.  For the next several months we will have a house cleaner coming! This is what I’ve always wanted because if I didn’t have to spend time cleaning I could focus more on being happy with the kids! Yes, I’m excited and yes, I’m grateful…and…

 And I’m also faced with the uncomfortable feeling that I won’t have to fill all my time with DOING stuff. I’m good at doing stuff – I’m still practicing how to just have fun with the kids.

So I found myself questioning if I had really received something that I had wanted. You may be thinking I’m crazy that I’m even questioning this…a house cleaner is amazing! Yes, it is.

And it pushes me out of my comfort zone of doing and into the un-comfort zone of having a lot more fun and even being a bit lazy.

Everyone has a different comfort zone. Many moms settle for a comfort zone filled with so many responsibilities and “shoulds” and as a result, resentments. Yet when change and stepping out of that uncomfortable comfort zone is possible – moms can tend to think “No, I’m ok. It’s not too bad here and I’m ok.”

Once moms step out of that uncomfortable comfort zone and taste what it’s like to live how we really want, we can never go back. Conscious living is constantly redefining your comfort zone, even if it freaks you out a bit.

So if you find yourself in a place where you are asking for something...but you don’t really know if it’s what you want…start with knowing what you don’t want.

1. Write down all the things you don’t want first. Clear those out of your mind.
2. Then focus on what you do want…and make a list of those, stated in the positive.
3. Then go ahead and ask for those things!

Practice knowing and practice asking – your life will shift on a dime, you’ll see!

Image: hodgers

Mind reading is NOT an accurate way for moms to know what others are thinking. So it’s NOT an accurate way for others to know what moms are thinking, wanting or needing. Yet so many moms do it and expect others to do it too!

Just like in the first mistake (get your free report 5 Mistakes Moms Make) where moms assume their kids should know better, assuming that others know exactly what we want and need is not a good strategy!

Until the day telepathy is an everyday human skill, moms will have to verbally communicate our wants and needs so that everyone involved is clear and understands.

We all perceive the world differently because we all have different conditioning.

Our beliefs shape everything about us including our behaviours, emotional responses, expectations, and values. We cannot assume that anyone else in our life – not even those we love most – can know exactly how we perceive the world or what we need and want at any point in time. Our family may have a pretty good idea based on the past they share with us – but again, their perception is only as good as what we’ve communicated to them.

Everyone has their own set of subconscious filters through which they perceive the world. These filters delete, distort, and generalize those perceptions based on what you’ve been conditioned to focus on. It’s like having your very own windshield to look through at the world. As you live and grow this windshield gets smudged with negativity, other peoples ideas and expectations, and your experiences. And everyone has their own dirt on their own windshield.

And your kids’ windshields are being smudged and dirtied up by everything that they are exposed to.

So when you mind read that your partner, friend or coworker needs or wants something or is behaving a certain way, that’s only your perception of what’s going on. Their reality may be completely different than your perception. Until they clearly communicate to you what’s going on you cannot ever be certain just by observing the situation and mind reading.

Clear communication is a key to overcoming this mistake. If you don’t voice your needs, wants, or concerns then you cannot ever expect others to clearly know what’s going with you. This is why others may not always give you what they think you need – because they don’t know. They can only guess based on their own perceptions.

Communicate! It will change your life.

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image credit: deflam

We have a great new complimentary audio available for a download called 5 Mistakes Moms Make & How To Avoid Them.

It’s easy to get caught up making these mistakes – especially when you’re not aware that you’re even making them!  Things like communicating what you really need, believing that only you can do it right, and thinking that kids should know better are common mistakes moms make.

Many parenting problems can be avoided when you have the right tools to use in the moment. Kasia coaches you through simple steps to get you connecting better and communicating more clearly with your children, partner, and other family members and friends.  Creating more harmony and minimizing stress can be fun and easy!

Learn how you can figure out if you make these mistakes and what you can do to avoid them.  Put your name and primary email into the blue box with the keyhole on the right of the screen, and get instant access to the free audio.

The Elephant In The Room Series: Making the Uncomfortable Comfortable is a series of articles that bring you expert knowledge on uncomfortable topics that you may be avoiding.  Our intention is to bring light to these topics and make them more approachable to talk about.  Awareness, not avoidance, is the only way change for the better will take place within you, your family, your community and the world.

As a parent of a teen you can expect to have some of the most challenging talks in our child’s life. It goes with the territory as our teen is immersed in a developmental period which is rocky and unpredictable and is only starting to experiment with the ability to reason. Risky behaviour, drugs, alcohol, driving, curfews, and the dreaded sex talk are just a sample of what lies ahead.

Ironically this is the period of time that our communication with a teen often falls flat. Grunts, tirades, and moody withdrawal do not lend themselves to initiating a meaningful dialogue.  As parents we can become frustrated and fearful as our ability to control situations slips through our fingers. The discussions and issues will come; the topics will be wide and varied and often controversial.  To ready ourselves for this, we would be wise to heed the Boy Scout Motto “Be Prepared.”

Here are just a few recommendations to ease into this time:

1) Practice with the easy stuff.

Teach your teen how to have a conversation about daily activities by sharing stories of your daily events. Letting him in to your adult world where you share some of your goals, achievements or disappointments honours them as an individual. Encourage your teen to be a part of the conversation and listen to their contributions. Know that they may have a different perspective and be curious about it.  You are not required to agree but consider that fresh ideas are the seed from which new things grow.

2) Watch your reaction!

The issues teens experience and the daily decisions they make can be loaded with the potential for negative outcomes.   As a parent it is so important to remain calm, breathe, and curb the knee jerk reaction to yell or “freak out”. If they come to you to discuss something it’s because they feel safe in doing so. To ruin your chances of your teen coming to you again, let them know as loudly as possible how disappointed you are in them and comment at length on their stupidity in getting into this situation.

3) Be open

This is a good time to reflect back to our own teenage years and remember some of the antics you experienced.  Did you ever do or say something that got totally out of hand?  Did you ever jump into a situation without thinking it through? Did your parents punish or belittle you for what you did? Bring some of these memories to the current situation. This is another good time to remain calm.  When your anger or frustration levels are high your reasoning and intelligence levels are low. It might be a wise  to admit that you need some time to gather your thoughts. When ready, ask open ended questions to clarify:

• Tell me more about that.
• What happened then?
• What do you think will happen as a result of this?
• What do you think you should do now?

When your teen feels respected and listened to he will be able to move forward feeling supported and start the process of taking responsibility for his actions.  Keep in mind: you are not responsible for his behaviour. You are responsible for providing an environment and opportunity to learn and grow as your teen becomes an adult.

Challenging talks are an opportunity for growth.  Some will be positive and some will fall flat.  You are human and doing the best you can.  Remember: this stage too will pass!

This Week’s Elephant Topic Expert: Susi Vasseur is the founder of HOW2! A coaching company that focuses its attention on empowering teenagers and their parents.  From an early age, Susi discovered her preference for working with young people.  She is the mother of two successful young adults, a private remedial tutor, and brings over 20 years experience working with teens in recreation, public and alternate school settings and mentorship. Susi is a trained Parent and Teen Coach from the Academy for Family Coach Training.  It is her passion to make a difference for the youth of today and the adults who support them. Find out more about Susi’s work at www.heartsopeningwide.ca

photo: C.G.P. Grey

Imagine you’re sitting with your spouse on the sofa, watching a movie. It’s 9:30 pm. Suddenly you hear little little footsteps coming down the hallway accompanied by sobs. Your heart pounds as you hear “Mommy, I can’t sleep! I’m so worried!”

Bryan and I experienced this the night before school started. Our son came upstairs with a list he’d written of all the things he was worried about.

Our son loves to chat about Star Wars and Lego 98% of the time – we didn’t think he worried about anything. So we turned off the movie and gave him our full attention as he read out his list.

As a mom, my heart broke at some of the things he had written down and at the same time I was SO excited that he was talking to us about them!

Some of the items on his list were being called names by his friends, letter grades (he started grade 4 this year), and how to earn more money for all the Lego he wants to buy.

We had a wonderful conversation about choices, behaviours, opportunities, and other stuff. Stuff that I thought had gone in one ear and out the other in the past. Turns out kids do listen!

I remember my mom telling me when our son was born to always treat all kids’ problems and challenges with respect – no matter how small they may seem to me. I practiced this even with the tiny problems my kids would bring up. Looking back I wasn’t always super patient – but I did my best.

So I was so proud of our son for talking so openly about his worries. And I was so grateful that, even though I sometimes felt like a broken record, our open and clear communication at home had created a safe space for our son to share.

Practicing communication really works – no matter how old your kids are. So keep talking and listening. These are skills your kids will use forever.

photo by elycefeliz

I was watching a video this morning by John Assaraf in which he talks about his recent goal to drop 25 lbs.  In this video he uses the term “excusitis” – in other words, making excuses for not achieving a goal we want.  John said that besides getting rid of all excuses he also set a clear goal and visualized achieving that goal.

John’s comments led me to ask myself if I too have excusitis because there are some goals I haven’t achieved.  As someone who works with women to assist them to release what’s holding them back from the happy life and happy family they want, I can smell an excuse a mile away!  And I don’t allow clients to get away with excuses and I encourage them to take actions every day towards what they want. 

I realized that what’s been standing in my own way of some of my goals is that I haven’t visualized them clearly enough.  Not only that, I haven’t written them all down. 

Some goals, the ones that are well within my own control to achieve, I can easily visualize and take action on.  Like the renovation of our new Fresh Perspective Family office.  I set the goal, saw it completed, and it’s done!

The bigger goals though, those are the ones I can’t visualize or write down.  I still take action on them, but it’s not always focused action and so it’s not really possible for me to measure how close I’m getting or not getting to the goal.

So what is it about the big goals and my inability to write them down or visualize them?  Because I’ve tried and I just sabotage myself every time in different ways.  I’ve nailed it down to fear of lack of control for sure.  I’ve also started to catch the language I use when I talk or think about those big goals.  My language really tells me I don’t fully believe I can achieve them…so why bother writing them down or visualizing them.  It’s easier just to take actions that lead me “somewhere in the vicinity of the goal” because then I can at least feel good that I’m doing something. 

If I were my own coach I would have had a big talking to with myself.  And that’s exactly what I’ve done.  I’m watching what my language and my emotions tell me about my beliefs around control, success, big acheivements, and even failure.  I’m excited to observe this process as much as I am excited to take myself through it.  It’s easy for me to take clients through NLP, Hypnosis, and Time Empowerment® and I plan on being a good client. 

I deserve to reach the big, mountainous goals too!  And I’m willing to face that Inner Control Freak once again and break through the barriers to being a more confident me, a more loving mom, a more successful business person, and all the other ways in which I will come closer to who I am in my heart.

I will keep you posted on my progress and successes.

Photos by: melodysheep

Parents have tantrums too. I recently found myself in an argument with my daughter – except that it was more like a tantrum. And I was the one having the tantrum! Oddly enough, as I was being so impatient with her I found myself thinking “What am I doing? Aren’t I the adult?”

Emotions can be like that – we just feel them as if by instinct and don’t even realize it until we’re in the throes of an argument. I’ve cultivated self awareness for many years and I was grateful that I realized what I was feeling. I felt that my daughter wasn’t focused enough and not doing things fast enough because I had things to do. The question for me was what was the cause of these strong emotions?

I used a Parts Integration process that I often use with clients to uncover the cause of this angry part of myself that was being triggered by these situations with my daughter. I discovered that my emotions had really nothing to do with her and everything to do with my own boundaries. Actually the lack of them.

We all have boundaries in our life to keep us organized and functioning. As I build my practice I realized that I didn’t have a clear boundary defining client time and family time. As much as my clients and my business are very important to me – so are my children. In fact, my children are the most important to me but I wasn’t setting up my time in a way that allowed me to spend quality time with them.

The universe’s frying pan strikes again! I had been told by my business coach and other sources that I need to structure my business to work for me. I could have made more balanced work hours and then I would not have had this meltdown with my daughter. Instead, I had structured my business to monopolize me and this caused me to freak out at my kids when it seemed like their needs took up too much work time. I am definitely not proud of this.

The great things with boundaries is that they can be re-evaluated and changed at any time. I was able to uncover the root cause of my emotions and take action to create more balance in my life. It felt great to prioritize my children and I was grateful for the universe’s frying pan. I’m also committed to noticing clues that my boundaries are out of alignment before I need to be smacked by the frying pan again.

Have you ever thought to yourself or said to your child “you should know better!”

You’re not the only one and it’s easy to assume that our kids should know better because we spend so much time teaching them to know.  But as adults we have the benefit of a rational and logical, mature brain.  They don’t.

We repeat to our kids the things we want them to do, how we want them to behave, and yet they keep either misbehaving or doing something completely opposite to what we want.  We think they should know better – we even tell them they should know better, but why don’t they?

Part of the human brain comes pre-wired with instinctual responses such as the fight or flight response.  This part makes sure we remain safe and protected at all times.  These instinctual responses cannot be unplugged or eliminated in any way.  On the other hand, all beliefs, behaviours, attitudes, and emotional reactions are learned from the information that comes in through our senses.   This information originates from all the people and events that we experience in our life.

The human brain also has a second part that forms our logical and reasoning.  This part doesn’t actually start to mature until we are in our mid teens.  So as kids, we process all information through the lens of instinctual protection that’s hard wired into us.

So we expect children to know better but their brain doesn’t really work that way.

Scientists say that it takes an adult 21-28 days to form a new habit (that is if willpower doesn’t derail us first).  Adults have their rational brain matured and still have trouble learning to do things the new way.  How can we expect a child to know better?

Children learn mainly by modeling what we do and not by listening to what we say.  So if we speak to them about doing something one way, and yet our own behaviour is completely different, the child will be very confused and will most likely follow what we do – not what we say.

For example, if a mom tells the child not to speak a certain way about others and then gossips on the phone to her friend, the child will learn to do as the mother does, not as she says.

Of course children also must find their own place in the world and will misbehave and push our boundaries as a natural part of their growth and development.  But they are more apt to turn out as responsible, ethical and authentic adults if we don’t just assume they know better and be good role models.

As a parent you have to examine your own behaviour in an honest way if you’re having difficulty with your child. Remember, you are the source of it.