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The Elephant In The Room Series: Making the Uncomfortable Comfortable is a series of articles that bring you expert knowledge on uncomfortable topics that you may be avoiding.  Our intention is to bring light to these topics and make them more approachable to talk about.  Awareness, not avoidance, is the only way change for the better will take place within you, your family, your community and the world.

We all make mistakes!  We can and do hurt the people we love—sometimes innocently, sometimes by accident, sometimes on purpose.  Regardless of the cause of the hurt—intentional or unintentional—the damage is done.  As a relationship counsellor, one thing I know is that heartfelt apologies are essential to healing.

Unfortunately, many of us don’t know how to make an apology.  Absent apologies leave scars on relationships.  Over time, scars restrict the flow of love in any relationship—just like in flesh where the blood flow is restricted— the tissues of a relationship die over time.

So here’s the 7 Apology Essentials that restore “love” flow to hurt relationships!

1. Name the hurt you caused—give a detailed account of your hurtful behaviours and legitimate your partner’s feelings.  They’re not “crazy” for feeling this way—and you know it.  When you ‘fess up to what you did, you validate them.
2. Acknowledge your impact and the damage done—this way, you validate their resulting emotions.  The hurt person can see you understand the situation as it pertains to them—even if someone else might have reacted differently, you acknowledge your partner’s hurt.
3. Take responsibility for the situation and recognize your role in the harm—Don’t make excuses, rationalize away your behaviour, defend or justify your behaviours to try to avoid blame.  The intent of an apology is to repair the hurt heart of the other person, not to get you off the hook.
4. Care deeply about the hurt you caused—it should matter that you hurt someone you care about.  Twinges of guilt and remorse exist because we care, so experience them and the apologies will naturally flow.  However, acting like you care when you don’t will be sensed and render the apology ineffective.  Worse, a lack of empathy leaves you prone to repeat the behaviour in the future.  If you are truly unable to care, then get some professional help to access your compassion.
5. Know thyself–Your partner says, “How could you hurt me this way?”  Know your initial answer, “I don’t know,” isn’t sufficient!  You must look inside and figure out why you did what you did.  If you can’t explain your actions and have no insight as to why, how can your partner ever trust again?  You must face the truth about yourself—no matter how ugly!  You may not be able to undo the past, but you can seek to understand it.  If you have trouble understanding why or telling the truth, seek professional help.
6. Express your regret and ask for forgiveness—Slowly, sincerely, and succinctly say, “I’m sorry” somewhere in the apology.  You can ask for forgiveness but know the other is not required to forgive you, nor does apologizing imply your right to be forgiven.
7. Work to Earn Trust Back—Don’t repeat the hurtful behaviour again.  Back up your words of remorse or regret with action.  Keep your commitments to the hurt person.  Follow through with behaviours you promised to keep.

Remember, apologies heal the other’s hurt and restore connection.  But more importantly, when we hurt someone carelessly or purposely, we effectively debase our own humanity.  When we sincerely work to restore the other person’s love and forgiveness by confronting and correcting the damage we’ve caused, we restore our own honour and dignity.  The final outcome of apologizing, then, is repairing our relationship to self—becoming more fully human again!

Diane Anderson, MA, is a Registered Clinical Counsellor and Vancouver’s Love Coach.  A therapist, teacher, researcher, and speaker, Diane has worked with individuals and couples—aged 16-86—to create the healthy, vibrant, passionate love relationships they desire!

Diane addresses the surface symptoms of relationship problems but really alleviates the true root causes of people’s love difficulties.  Her post-graduate studies and ongoing clinical training honed the precise skills required to zero in on the barriers to intimacy we create—sometimes coaxing them aside, sometimes blasting them to bits (whatever it takes!)—to get to the truth about ourselves and to free us to love fully and deeply.  “The healing is in the feelings!” she says.

Diane authored 21 Ways to Win at Love–-a free 21-page downloadable booklet available at www.DianeAndersonCounselling.com.

Image credit: mozzercork

The Elephant In The Room Series: Making the Uncomfortable Comfortable is a series of articles that bring you expert knowledge on uncomfortable topics that you may be avoiding.  Our intention is to bring light to these topics and make them more approachable to talk about.  Awareness, not avoidance, is the only way change for the better will take place within you, your family, your community and the world.

As a parent of a teen you can expect to have some of the most challenging talks in our child’s life. It goes with the territory as our teen is immersed in a developmental period which is rocky and unpredictable and is only starting to experiment with the ability to reason. Risky behaviour, drugs, alcohol, driving, curfews, and the dreaded sex talk are just a sample of what lies ahead.

Ironically this is the period of time that our communication with a teen often falls flat. Grunts, tirades, and moody withdrawal do not lend themselves to initiating a meaningful dialogue.  As parents we can become frustrated and fearful as our ability to control situations slips through our fingers. The discussions and issues will come; the topics will be wide and varied and often controversial.  To ready ourselves for this, we would be wise to heed the Boy Scout Motto “Be Prepared.”

Here are just a few recommendations to ease into this time:

1) Practice with the easy stuff.

Teach your teen how to have a conversation about daily activities by sharing stories of your daily events. Letting him in to your adult world where you share some of your goals, achievements or disappointments honours them as an individual. Encourage your teen to be a part of the conversation and listen to their contributions. Know that they may have a different perspective and be curious about it.  You are not required to agree but consider that fresh ideas are the seed from which new things grow.

2) Watch your reaction!

The issues teens experience and the daily decisions they make can be loaded with the potential for negative outcomes.   As a parent it is so important to remain calm, breathe, and curb the knee jerk reaction to yell or “freak out”. If they come to you to discuss something it’s because they feel safe in doing so. To ruin your chances of your teen coming to you again, let them know as loudly as possible how disappointed you are in them and comment at length on their stupidity in getting into this situation.

3) Be open

This is a good time to reflect back to our own teenage years and remember some of the antics you experienced.  Did you ever do or say something that got totally out of hand?  Did you ever jump into a situation without thinking it through? Did your parents punish or belittle you for what you did? Bring some of these memories to the current situation. This is another good time to remain calm.  When your anger or frustration levels are high your reasoning and intelligence levels are low. It might be a wise  to admit that you need some time to gather your thoughts. When ready, ask open ended questions to clarify:

• Tell me more about that.
• What happened then?
• What do you think will happen as a result of this?
• What do you think you should do now?

When your teen feels respected and listened to he will be able to move forward feeling supported and start the process of taking responsibility for his actions.  Keep in mind: you are not responsible for his behaviour. You are responsible for providing an environment and opportunity to learn and grow as your teen becomes an adult.

Challenging talks are an opportunity for growth.  Some will be positive and some will fall flat.  You are human and doing the best you can.  Remember: this stage too will pass!

This Week’s Elephant Topic Expert: Susi Vasseur is the founder of HOW2! A coaching company that focuses its attention on empowering teenagers and their parents.  From an early age, Susi discovered her preference for working with young people.  She is the mother of two successful young adults, a private remedial tutor, and brings over 20 years experience working with teens in recreation, public and alternate school settings and mentorship. Susi is a trained Parent and Teen Coach from the Academy for Family Coach Training.  It is her passion to make a difference for the youth of today and the adults who support them. Find out more about Susi’s work at www.heartsopeningwide.ca

photo: C.G.P. Grey

I was watching a video this morning by John Assaraf in which he talks about his recent goal to drop 25 lbs.  In this video he uses the term “excusitis” – in other words, making excuses for not achieving a goal we want.  John said that besides getting rid of all excuses he also set a clear goal and visualized achieving that goal.

John’s comments led me to ask myself if I too have excusitis because there are some goals I haven’t achieved.  As someone who works with women to assist them to release what’s holding them back from the happy life and happy family they want, I can smell an excuse a mile away!  And I don’t allow clients to get away with excuses and I encourage them to take actions every day towards what they want. 

I realized that what’s been standing in my own way of some of my goals is that I haven’t visualized them clearly enough.  Not only that, I haven’t written them all down. 

Some goals, the ones that are well within my own control to achieve, I can easily visualize and take action on.  Like the renovation of our new Fresh Perspective Family office.  I set the goal, saw it completed, and it’s done!

The bigger goals though, those are the ones I can’t visualize or write down.  I still take action on them, but it’s not always focused action and so it’s not really possible for me to measure how close I’m getting or not getting to the goal.

So what is it about the big goals and my inability to write them down or visualize them?  Because I’ve tried and I just sabotage myself every time in different ways.  I’ve nailed it down to fear of lack of control for sure.  I’ve also started to catch the language I use when I talk or think about those big goals.  My language really tells me I don’t fully believe I can achieve them…so why bother writing them down or visualizing them.  It’s easier just to take actions that lead me “somewhere in the vicinity of the goal” because then I can at least feel good that I’m doing something. 

If I were my own coach I would have had a big talking to with myself.  And that’s exactly what I’ve done.  I’m watching what my language and my emotions tell me about my beliefs around control, success, big acheivements, and even failure.  I’m excited to observe this process as much as I am excited to take myself through it.  It’s easy for me to take clients through NLP, Hypnosis, and Time Empowerment® and I plan on being a good client. 

I deserve to reach the big, mountainous goals too!  And I’m willing to face that Inner Control Freak once again and break through the barriers to being a more confident me, a more loving mom, a more successful business person, and all the other ways in which I will come closer to who I am in my heart.

I will keep you posted on my progress and successes.

Photos by: melodysheep

What’s the most common answer to any question? I’ll give you a hint – it’s 3 words.

(ok, I’ll give you the answer: it’s “I don’t know.”)

Have you ever said these 3 words to yourself in frustration?

Have your partner or kids ever said these words to you?

Is this the answer you automatically think of when a challenging question comes up?

What’s the result of this in your life?

Have you ever found yourself seeking answers in your life and the answers just didn’t come to you? Those three words – I Don’t Know – create a self fulfilling prophecy for us if we use them repeatedly.

How?

Researchers have found that our Unconscious Mind is the age of a 5-7 year old child. For those of you who know 5-7 year olds – they are very literal and need clear instructions to follow. They don’t understand sarcasm or oxymorons.

This is exactly how your Unconscious Mind is too. So when you repeatedly tell yourself “I don’t know” you’re telling your Unconscious Mind not to know – to not even bother trying to know. So it stops helping you figure out answers. It stops supporting you in the decisions you make – you get stuck in “I don’t knowness.”

Jack Canfield, one of the Chicken Soup For The Soul authors says you always have to know what you want - even the simplest stuff like what color of soap to buy. Why? It’s not to be nitpicky and petty. It’s to practice with small choices so that when it comes to making big choices you can do it more easily and with conviction. When you always know what you want you avoid the “I don’t know” curse more easily.

My clients tend to use “I don’t know” as their default answer when we first begin working together – I do ask some pretty tough questions. I ask these questions because my job is to assist clients in figuring out what’s holding them back. If all I get is “I don’t know” then I ask “If you did know, what would the answer be?”

If they still repeatedly say “I don’t know” I give them The Talk. Saying I don’t know is a cop out! It is! The reason you’re in the circumstances you’re in – whether it’s your health, family issues, relationship or love life issues, or whatever you don’t like right now – is because you’ve told yourself You Don’t Know! You haven’t put any energy into knowing or wanting to know because it’s easier just to Not Know. I get that. But don’t you get so frustrated when you ask your kids something and they say “I don’t know?” Or when your partner says “I don’t know” when you ask them what they want to do/eat/or do whatever?

Why is it important to stop using I Don’t Know as a default in your life?

Saying “I Don’t Know” is an easy answer but if you want a better life for yourself and your kids then who do you think has to know what that life looks/feels/sounds like if not you?

Do you expect there to be a “I Know All” genie who will appear and tell you what to do? What to feel?

I wish!

And if your kids hear you use these three words all the time – they will use them too. They will learn to not know what they want too.

So how do you break this curse?

You will not always know the answer – this isn’t about being omniscient. It’s ok to not know some things – it matters how you approach not knowing.

1. You forgive yourself for not knowing up until now.
2. Change your language and your thoughts to “I haven’t known up until now, and if I were to figure this out, I would…..” insert new way of being that you want to be.

You will be amazed over time how your mind and the universe just step up to the plate to support you and guide you.

Sometimes I find with kids it’s “cool” to just be aloof and pretent they don’t know. Don’t let them get away with it. It’s self respect to know what you want. Always. Because if you don’t know what you want you will fall for anything that anyone else wants. We don’t want that for our kids.

So gently guide yourself and your kids to make choices – always. Ask – I know you don’t know but if you did, what would your answer be? This may be annoying at first – especially to your kids, – but they will be grateful that they always had the choice to make up their mind on stuff. And it will serve them well in life to have this skill.

Perfection…seems like such a…well…perfect thing to strive for, doesn’t it?  So many of us have gotten caught up in wanting to reach it and have felt inadequate and far away even when we try really hard.

And moms tend to be the best at trying hard – and falling down even harder.  Perfection makes us feel like we’re not good enough and like we will never be as happy as we could be.  Because that green, harmonious, and perfect family life is always on the other side of the perfect fence.

Perfectionism can also cause us to procrastinate.  Truly, how can you ever finish something if you’re waiting for it to be absolutely perfect?  It’s really a no-win situation – especially when we hear our children one day say “I’m not good enough” or “I can’t get it perfect.”

Guess what, perfection is a learned attitude and parents are their kids’ greatest teachers.  So what can parents do to ensure kids don’t learn this self defeating attitude?

One way is to focus on excelllence.  Yes. Simple excellence. 

In fact, how do you feel about settling for excellence instead?  Settling for anything can make you feeli uncomfortable, but excellence is a way better choice to settle for than perfection.  For example, take a look at any survey with a scale of experience…1 being poor and 5 (or 10) being excellent.  It never says perfect. 

When you label yourself as a perfectionist you have a great excuse for not starting a project or not finishing one.  Ask yourself how is this label serving you and supporting what you want to accomplish in your life.  Sell your perfectionism and purchase excellence and you’ll be amazed at how different the world will be.

AND, you can feel good about what you’re teaching your kids too.  You and your children will be a lot happier understanding that perfection is a fleeting state and puts you under a lot of pressure.  Excellence can be easily attained and is just as good.

This July Long Weekend was our first camping trip of the year.  We loaded up our sedan and headed north to Squamish for 3 days.  The weather was clearing up and we were all very excited about spending some time doing some de-stressing and relaxing. 

I have a theory on stress especially after this weekend.  It needs to be processed and nothing processes it like the clean and renewing energy of nature, next to Time Empowerment Techniques, of course.  We spent a lot of time walking around and playing ball and frisbee – and staying out of each others way! 

It’s been a long winter and really not much of a spring so we’ve spent more time in doors than we’re used to as a family.  On this trip we found ourselves excited, eating smores and chips (and some veggies), and staying up late around the camp fire, and so a few arguments came up here and there on day 1. 

Day 2 was better and we enjoyed more ball games and less arguing.  But it wasn’t until Day 3 that we all really relaxed and truly had fun.  I started thinking about it because holidays are supposed to be relaxing the whole way through, aren’t they?  That’s what I thought until now. 

There is a book by Gregg Braden called Earthing where the author talks about our connection to nature and recharging our batteries by being in direct contact with nature.  Dr Wayne Dyer also talks about this in his work.  He says walking around barefoot helps to restore our internal balance and helps us sleep better, for example.   I practice this after a long day and feel so much better but I know I don’t practice it enough. 

After 3 days spent in nature all of the stress that had built up over time was finally coming out of all of us – at the same time.  I think this is why we were all on edge for the first little while.  We’re a calm family and so to experience this onslaught of energy being released was interesting and we weren’t used to it.  I felt bad about it at first because I do a lot of emotional releases and keep myself calm and balanced.  Then I realized that although my processes and practices are fantastic and work very well, nature has it’s own way of helping us return to balance a lot faster.  There are many ways to eat an elephant.

On the last day it clouded over and they were calling for rain all night and the next day.  We decided to pack up while our gear was still dry and go home.  I’m glad we did because we all got an awesome night’s sleep at home that night and had a lovely Sunday riding our bicycles at Iona Beach. 

I am positive that the next camping trip in August will be different and that we will return to calm a lot faster.  The summer weather has finally arrived and we’ll be doing a lot of out doorsy stuff and letting nature pull stress out of us at the same time.

I was at a training this past week that was all about the Power in You (Do Yourself a Favor  right now and go to one of their FREE evening courses. YOUR life will never be the same again). 

Now I’m a person who works on myself all the time. I am aware of what I think and say to myself – at least as much as I can get out of my own head.  I would consider myself to be very self observant.  I also know that I don’t know everything and so I went into this training with an open mind and ready to soak it all in.

I wasn’t disappointed.  In fact, I was blown away at how much I grew during three short days and how I FELT afterwards.  This wasn’t one of those “ra ra – feel good” sessions that fizzles out after a few days.  It was absolutely life changing and allowed me to face and let go of some deep stuff. 

“Stuff” is a great technical term for all those things we carry around that stand in our own way.

I realized that The Law of Attraction works.  In fact it works so well that it’s incredible!  And the key to it is emotion.  Yes, emotion.  Knowing what you want is important too – but not as important as emotion.  The universe and your Unconscious Mind don’t care about what you want to attract – they only care about how you feel about it.  Good or bad feelings – the predominant will always win.  Let me explain.

I have an interesting life story – we all do, in fact, but I will use my own as an example.  Throughout my life I learned how to see the world, how to feel about things, how to behave in different circumstances, how to focus on things, and other “stuff.”  Now I want to be exceedingly clear that everything in life happens for a reason and I do not blame my past or anyone in it for where I am today.  Not anymore.  I used to, but that’s another post. 

Some things in my life work for me and others don’t.  In some areas of my life I attract exactly what I want and in others I struggle.  In fact, I don’t even feel very good about some areas of my life.  I don’t really know what I want but I feel bad about not having it.  These bad feelings keep attracting more of what I don’t want.  I realized that I even felt bad about wanting something different in such areas as my health and my career, and so I kept attracting more of what made me feel bad.  Whereas in my immediate family, I aways felt good about my relationship with my husband and now with my kids, and so my family life is fantastic!

So the point is that if you know what you want and you feel good about it you will get more of what you want. 

If you don’t know what you want and you feel bad about what you do have, you will keep attracting more of what you have.

If you do know what you want but you’re not emotionally attached to it, you will keep attracting more of what you have.

How do we get emotionally attached to what we want?  We have to know what gives us meaning in our life.  I’m so grateful that I know how to let past negative emotions and limiting beliefs go easily and quickly because I can now focus more on what I want.  And I can feel what I want which means that I am activating the Law Of Attraction to bring me closer to my dreams. 

So if you want to prove to yourself that the Law Of Attraction works, just keep thinking what you’re thinking and feeling what you’re feeling, and you’ll get more of what you’re getting. 

I feel like I made a quantum leap in my mindset during this course I just took and I am going to share it with the world.  I can now feel what it’s like to dream big and believe that I can achieve that dream!

FOR REAL! The Power in You is life changing!

Kasia Rachfall helps you stop letting your past to determine your future and your now. Did the above resonate with you? Do you disagree? Do you have a new insight to add? Please share your thoughts.

My brother and his wife welcomed their first child yesterday.  He arrived at a healthy 8 lbs 2 oz and with a full head of hair.  He’s quite possibly the handsomest little baby next to my own son (of course!).

We went to visit him (and the parents) at the hospital and as we all marvelled at how perfect he is, I started to think about what great things he will accomplish and who he will become in his life.  Babies have this ability to make us think of all the possibilities that exist for them.  He’s like a blank slate just waiting to have greatness and potential written on it.

As we grow older we tend to forget that we don’t actually lose that greatness and potential – ever!  We always have the ability to make our life into whatever we want.  But somewhere along the journey of our life we decide that we can’t do things or we can’t have things.  We become this product of our conditioning and life experience. 

A good friend and owner of Awakening Works once shared some guiding principles with me and they have become the cornerstones of my life and my business.

1. We are beings of Unlimited Possibilities with potential just waiting to be discovered – believe in yours.
2. Self Awareness and Self Understanding are what propels us to create positive change in our life
3. When we are committed to Excellence and make Conscious Choices every day we become masters of ourselves
4. Accountability and Self-Discipline create Momentum
5. Success and Happiness are always Psychological – when you change how you viewthe world, how you respond, and how you think you change your reality.

I encourage my kids and my clients to practice each of these until they become second nature.  My life has become richer and successful in all ways because of these ideas.

Kasia Rachfall helps you stop letting your past to determine your future and your now. Did the above resonate with you? Do you disagree? Do you have a new insight to add? Please share your thoughts.

I finally watched the Oprah finale and I bawled the whole time.  She inspired me and made me believe and this was the first show of hers that I’d ever seen.  We’ve never been a big TV watching family so we haven’t had cable for years.  My personal opinion is that most shows on TV are uninspiring to say the least, but I do wish I had been able to watch Oprah. 

Every night before I fall asleep I ask for clarity on issues or topics that I can’t resolve on my own.  Usually it’s Angels (yes, we all talk to Angels in our house) or my Spirit Guides who give me direction, last night, it was Oprah.  And here is what she said:

“You have to do one thing at a time because you’re scattered.  Find the meaningful and work on it until it’s completed.  You can work on the meaningful in many ways, just make sure it’s one thing at a time.”

This dream was so vivid that it almost didn’t seem like a dream.   I’m so grateful because those words helped me out a lot.  So I’ve made a list of all the projects that I will finish that I have on the go.  And even though for some reason I’ve resisted it, I will block off chunks of time to do my work until things are finished – no distractions.  I have my egg timer all ready to count time for me and I’ll keep you posted on how it’s going.  I’m excited to finish a bunch of stuff because lots of new projects are coming down the pipe.

Kasia Rachfall helps parents stop letting their past to determine their future and their now.  Did the above resonate with you? Do you disagree? Do you have a new insight to add?  Please share your thoughts.

The stories we tell our children literally weave the fabric of their lives.  Parents want their children to know that they can do anything – but which stories support this lesson?  The best place to look is the story you’re living right now.

Success teacher, Bob Proctor, says “most people focus on what they think they can do not on what they want.”

Read that again and let it sink in for a minute. 

As you think about your life, is this your story too?

Parents tell their children “you can do anything you want” but if the parents don’t live their life according to this encouraging statement, guess what – the kids won’t either.

This is because kids learn more from observing and modeling behaviours then they do from listening.  It’s easy to say one thing and behave differently – especially since most of our behaviours are unconscious habits.  Young kids don’t have the benefit of a fully matured rational brain so they will follow what their parents repeatedly do instead of what they say. 

What you think you can do is a product of the stories you were taught your whole life by your parents, teachers, friends, the media, and all your other experiences.  Their stories became your stories and they will likely become your children’s’ stories. 

In Disney’s recent movie Tangled, Rapunzel is taught she is weak and that the world is a cruel place.  When Rapunzel leaves her tower-home to watch the floating lights she experiences moments of elation followed by moments of complete despair.  Her friend, Eugene, poignantly says “You seem to be at war with yourself.”

Rapunzel is elated when she’s going after what she wants more than anything – to see the floating lights, only to plummet into uncertainty and self loathing when everything she was taught her overshadows her goal.  Eventually she uncovers truth about herself and lives happily ever after – as fairy tale princesses usually do. 

A happily ever after is what all parents want for their children but unfortunately, sometimes parents don’t believe they can achieve a happily ever after themselves and they succumb to the roller coaster of elation, fear, motivation, and negative self talk.  How, then, can parents help their kids live life to their fullest potential and create their own happily ever after?

The first step is for the parents to become aware of their own stories that stop them from living to their fullest potential.

The second step is knowing what their own happily ever after is.  Really knowing.  This knowing only comes from their heart of hearts and goes beyond simply writing out goals and achievements.  Parents must know what brings them meaning and true joy and live that. 

Living from a place of self love and meaning makes it easy to set meaningful goals and then no external motivation is needed to reach them.  A burning desire to go after that meaning exists naturally and it doesn’t fizzle out.  And it’s amazing how the universe supports you and lines up resources and people to help you when you’re doing what you are meant to be doing. 

When you live from your heart your life story is the best role model for your children.  Even when you face obstacles you do whatever it takes and creatively solve these challenges, you teach your children that they have the power within themselves to create anything they want. 

So as you think of your life story, ask yourself if you’re in fact teaching your children the story you want them to model their life after?  If not, how much more struggle and time will you live through to decide that you’ve had enough and that now is a good time to rewrite your story to your own happily ever after?