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The Elephant In The Room Series: Making the Uncomfortable Comfortable is a series of articles that bring you expert knowledge on uncomfortable topics that you may be avoiding.  Our intention is to bring light to these topics and make them more approachable to talk about.  Awareness, not avoidance, is the only way change for the better will take place within you, your family, your community and the world.

We all make mistakes!  We can and do hurt the people we love—sometimes innocently, sometimes by accident, sometimes on purpose.  Regardless of the cause of the hurt—intentional or unintentional—the damage is done.  As a relationship counsellor, one thing I know is that heartfelt apologies are essential to healing.

Unfortunately, many of us don’t know how to make an apology.  Absent apologies leave scars on relationships.  Over time, scars restrict the flow of love in any relationship—just like in flesh where the blood flow is restricted— the tissues of a relationship die over time.

So here’s the 7 Apology Essentials that restore “love” flow to hurt relationships!

1. Name the hurt you caused—give a detailed account of your hurtful behaviours and legitimate your partner’s feelings.  They’re not “crazy” for feeling this way—and you know it.  When you ‘fess up to what you did, you validate them.
2. Acknowledge your impact and the damage done—this way, you validate their resulting emotions.  The hurt person can see you understand the situation as it pertains to them—even if someone else might have reacted differently, you acknowledge your partner’s hurt.
3. Take responsibility for the situation and recognize your role in the harm—Don’t make excuses, rationalize away your behaviour, defend or justify your behaviours to try to avoid blame.  The intent of an apology is to repair the hurt heart of the other person, not to get you off the hook.
4. Care deeply about the hurt you caused—it should matter that you hurt someone you care about.  Twinges of guilt and remorse exist because we care, so experience them and the apologies will naturally flow.  However, acting like you care when you don’t will be sensed and render the apology ineffective.  Worse, a lack of empathy leaves you prone to repeat the behaviour in the future.  If you are truly unable to care, then get some professional help to access your compassion.
5. Know thyself–Your partner says, “How could you hurt me this way?”  Know your initial answer, “I don’t know,” isn’t sufficient!  You must look inside and figure out why you did what you did.  If you can’t explain your actions and have no insight as to why, how can your partner ever trust again?  You must face the truth about yourself—no matter how ugly!  You may not be able to undo the past, but you can seek to understand it.  If you have trouble understanding why or telling the truth, seek professional help.
6. Express your regret and ask for forgiveness—Slowly, sincerely, and succinctly say, “I’m sorry” somewhere in the apology.  You can ask for forgiveness but know the other is not required to forgive you, nor does apologizing imply your right to be forgiven.
7. Work to Earn Trust Back—Don’t repeat the hurtful behaviour again.  Back up your words of remorse or regret with action.  Keep your commitments to the hurt person.  Follow through with behaviours you promised to keep.

Remember, apologies heal the other’s hurt and restore connection.  But more importantly, when we hurt someone carelessly or purposely, we effectively debase our own humanity.  When we sincerely work to restore the other person’s love and forgiveness by confronting and correcting the damage we’ve caused, we restore our own honour and dignity.  The final outcome of apologizing, then, is repairing our relationship to self—becoming more fully human again!

Diane Anderson, MA, is a Registered Clinical Counsellor and Vancouver’s Love Coach.  A therapist, teacher, researcher, and speaker, Diane has worked with individuals and couples—aged 16-86—to create the healthy, vibrant, passionate love relationships they desire!

Diane addresses the surface symptoms of relationship problems but really alleviates the true root causes of people’s love difficulties.  Her post-graduate studies and ongoing clinical training honed the precise skills required to zero in on the barriers to intimacy we create—sometimes coaxing them aside, sometimes blasting them to bits (whatever it takes!)—to get to the truth about ourselves and to free us to love fully and deeply.  “The healing is in the feelings!” she says.

Diane authored 21 Ways to Win at Love–-a free 21-page downloadable booklet available at www.DianeAndersonCounselling.com.

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Paralysis by analysis.  This is a great technical term that we underwriters used in the insurance industry – it meas you analyze something so much that you can’t move forward with a decision because you feel that you never know enough.   Well, it’s a trap that people who aren’t underwriters (or don’t even know what an underwriter is) also fall into.

How?  By becoming overwhelmed by obstacles, choices, fear, anxiety, guilt, ambivalence, and whatever else that we tend to feel when we don’t know what it is we want.  We get so wrapped up in focusing on what we don’t want that it takes over the majority of our energy.  We may not even realize that there is more to life than this and we keep feeling stuck and going in circles.  Or we may just not know how to help ourselves take that first step to unparalyze ourselves so we keep doing more of the same, or more nothing, getting us more of the same – or more nothing.

I’ve been stuck here more than once – and not just in a career sense.  I’ve felt stuck like that as a parent, a spouse, and a friend.  Even just as a human being.  Now I do a lot of work on myself because I don’t like being stuck.  What drove me nuts, was why I kept returning to this paralyzed state even after seemingly figuring things out and getting back on my path.  Then one day I got it!

I was chatting with a dear friend who I’ve chatted with every Tuesday night for the past two years.  We don’t even live in the same country but we have formed this amazing bond of mutual growth, sharing, and learning/teaching.  She has a strong HR and croporate background and we were talking about our goals for this year.  She asked me what my vision was for my business…hmmm.  Good question.

I told her I didn’t know what a vision was really…I gave her a list of goals.  She explained to me that a vision is like a bird’s eye view of what I want to accomplish through my business.  If I were to look at the entirety of my work in the world from 20,000 feet up in the air, what would be the main theme?  DING!!!! The lightbulb had been turned on.  The bell was rining loud and clear!

In that moment I understood why I had often become paralyzed by overanalyzing stuff about my business and my life.  I knew what my “Big Why” was in my work… but I had never, for some strange reason, connected the dots between that and all the actions I was taking.  Sure I had goals…but if the goals got too big or too tall…I would freak out.  I would begin to analyze.  I would…you know the rest…get paralyzed and do nothing…then feel bad, etc. 

The huge dot that I connected during this chat was that as long as all my steps, big or small, were moving me closer to my Big Why – to my vision, then I couldn’t go wrong.  All of a sudden it seemed easy to make choices without analysis.  I realized that even the big, tall goals would fit and get accomplished – one step at a time.   I no longer felt like I was floundering about, swimming in the dark. 

So now I’ve stepped back and taken a good look at my life from space.  I decided that a vision is a smart thing to have in every area of my life, beginning with my relationship with my children.  Having these dots connected has just shifted everything into focus for me.  It’s been enlightening beyond words.  As long as I have that vision in front of me, I know that I can make the right choices and take the right steps. 

So, if you find yourself paralyzed because you don’t know which way to go right now…get yourself out of the weeds.  Figure out what is your highest intention for your relationship, your career, your business, your spirituality, or whatever area you feel you’re stuck in.  Then use that bird’s eye view perspective to find a path for yourself; find the next logical or feel good choice and take it. 

Have any of you been paralyzed by analysis?  How did you move through it?

Ever have one of “those days?”  It`s human to have off days – I get that.  But for me it used to be such a downer and I still get caught in the trap of “I have to have it all figured out, so don`t tell anyone!”  Silly, I know.  So what to do about that feeling?

I used to just shut myself down and wallow.  That didn`t work well, let me tell you.  It made my days worse because I was either cranky or unemotional like a zombie.  Not a good way to build a healthy family home life. 

I have a way better way to get through days like that.  I know they will come up – and I`m ok with it! Because now I give myself permission to feel off.   My mindset is on track 95% of the time and the other 5% I give myself the benefit of the doubt.  This has done wonders for creating a meaningful relationship with my own self.

I also rely on my trusty list.  I`ve written down all the thinfs that I could think of that I would need to do to reach my goals this year.  And so when I`m in a funk and bordering on floundering around – I just pick something on my list and do it!  It`s amazing how much my day goes up from there because as I get absorbed into the task, I focus my energy on the progress towards my vision. 

My other option is to just let myself be for the day and be ok with that too.  I don`t always have to accomplish anything.  Actually I`ve really learned the value of simply being. 

I`d love to know what all you moms and dads do when you have one of “those days?”  Please leave your comments.

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Have New Years Resolutions become cliches? For some people Resolutions represent a goal that is set but never achieved. Some people set a Resolution because it’s tradition, even if they don’t end up achieving it. And some people don’t make any Resolutions because they just assume they won’t reach them anyway. Some people, however, do set Resolutions and achieve them – what is their secret?

A Resolution is a different label for a goal or an end result. Successful people set goals and then take action to achieving those goals. And achieving goals has nothing to do with having the whole route figured out and planned in detail. In fact, that’s where a lot of people go wrong and end up giving up on their goals.

Why are goals important? Because they help you figure out that you’ve arrived at the place where you wanted to be. Below are some secrets that I’ve learned about getting what you want in life. If you’ve heard these secrets before and are tempted to discount them because they haven’t worked in the past, consider this: have these strategies not worked because this is all rubbish? Or have these strategies not worked because you haven’t implemented them?

Secret 1: A good goal has a well defined end result. If you don’t know what you really want to achieve then how will you know when you have achieved it? If you don’t know, you will end up meandering and wandering around, creating more of the same in your life. Without knowing what specific results you want to have, you will just get vague results.

Secret 2: The goal must be meaningful to you and ecological for you, your family, your community, and the planet. This means that you set goals because you want to and not because someone else wants you to. When we try to do something to make someone else happy, we invariably fail. This doesn’t mean you don’t take others into account when setting your end result. It’s imperative to consider others and how they will be affected by your achievement of a certain goal.

Secret 3: Taking action. If you sit on your sofa and visualize all day how wonderful it will be when you achieve your goal, you will not achieve it. We live in a physical world and we must put in energy to get something in return. We must take action in order to manifest our end results. This doesn’t mean having everything figured out in detail. It simply means that we take action based on the steps we feel are the best steps to take towards our goal and then we tweak as we go.

Secret 4: Celebrating obstacles. Yes, celebrating them, not bemoaning them. If you did sit on your sofa and just visualize all day you would never reach an obstacle. Consider obstacles to be like mile markers telling you that you are getting closer to your end result. Obstacles are also opportunities for you to course correct and evaluate your progress.

How do you set goals properly? The good news is, there is no proper way. The even better news is that there are some easy guidelines you can follow:

1. Know your end result and be specific.

2. State your end result in positive language and as if you’ve already achieved it: “I have meaningful, clear, and respectful communication with my family” instead of “I don’t want to fight with my family”

3. Let go of whatever is standing in your way of achieving your desired end result.

4. Take action in the general direction of your goal, tweak or readjust your course as needed, and do something every day to move you closer to your goal.

5. Celebrate your obstacles and also your achievements.

No matter what you want to call it: a New Years Resolution, a Goal, or an End Result, it makes sense to define what you want to achieve. This way you will know you have succeeded in your life the way you want to instead of just meandering, hoping for the best.

What are you willing to do differently next year to make sure you’re in the place you want to be in December 2011?

I hear several people I know talk about going on a date night with their significant other. This, in my opinion is a very important part of a healthy relationship especially if you have kids. And it can sometimes be tough to get some quiet time, just the two of you.

There is, however, a catch to date night. Do not do the same thing every date night. You can fall into a rut and then your special night becomes another routine and no longer special.

I am a firm believer in “wooing” my wife even though we have been married for 10 years. I like to be creative.  OftenI like to do something really special like a surprise mini vacation, a night away, a reallyfancy dinner at a restaurant we have never been to before, or a show of some sort. 

The key to a really good surprise date night is to be creative. When you are planning it pretend that you are still trying to win her heart. Trust me, it will do wonders for your relationship by keeping you out of a rut.

I would love to hear what you come up with. Leave a comment and let me know.

What You Don’t Want

You’ve probably heard it said that what you think about expands. What does this mean exactly? It means that wherever you put your focus and attention, you get more of that. Think about it this way: in the area of your life where you have everything you want and it’s working like a finely oiled machine, your focus is very likely not on all the things that make it not work. It’s on those wonderful things that make it such a great part of your life! If you’re a healthy and fit individual that is in great physical state then you don’t go around worrying that you’re going to lose that. Just like if you have a meaningful, close and loving relationship with your spouse you don’t spend your days thinking about how to avoid the next fight or argument. You don’t have to worry about such things because they are not part of your life. Because you don’t think about them or focus on them, they don’t come into your awareness. You focus on being healthy and on loving and respecting your spouse. And that’s what you get more of!

Now, in the area where you don’t have everything you want you probably spend a lot of your day worrying and thinking about how bad things are. If you don’t like your current job you focus on all the ways in which you don’t like it. Or if you’re battling your weight you focus on all the ways in which your body doesn’t behave or look like what you want it to. And you get more of the same! Even when you try to change something you are stopped by all sorts of fears that come up for you.

We can look at this from the scientific perspective too. Your unconscious mind doesn’t process negatives. Your unconscious mind is also the goal getter, it’s where your values, motivation, behaviours, beliefs, and attitudes are encoded. (This is why this System focuses so much on working with your unconscious mind – because that’s where the change must occur for it to last.)

When you think about what you want in your amazing relationship your unconscious mind helps you get more of that because you’re thinking about it in positive ways. For example, I want respect and love and closeness.

When you think about not wanting to be heavy or not wanting that job you hate, you think about it in the negative. For example, “I don’t want to be heavy and unhealthy” or “I wish I wasn’t so tired all the time” or “I don’t like this job.” Your unconscious mind can’t process “do not want” or “do not like” and what it hears you saying and thinking is “I do want” or “I do like.” And that’s what it helps you get.

“You can’t not think about something without first thinking about it; think about that.” ~Dr Matthew James.

The good news is that you already know what you don’t want. Once you clear all that out you can begin to focus on what you do want so that you get more of it in your life. Worksheet #2 will get you started listing all the things you don’t want.  Sometimes you need to empty yourself of all the negatives in order to be able to focus on the positives.

I’ve been reading this awesome book lately called the Intention Experiment by Lynn McTaggert.  She writes about the science behind intention.  It’s been quite a learning experience to read about all the different types of experiments and research being done in this area.

I’ve been a student and practitioner of Intention for many years.  And no matter how much I think I know, there is more to learn, to practice, and to receive.  It’s definitely been a journey. 

One of the main intentions I had put out for this past year was connections.  I wanted to meet the right people who would catch my vision and help me move it forward.  And when I look back at where I am today compared to when I first put that intention out there, it humbles me! 

I’ve had so many synchronistic meetings and encounters with just the right people this year!  One person would lead me to another and I would get excatly what I needed even before I knew I wanted it sometimes. 

I often get asked what I do to bring in clients and my answer is I network a lot.  The next logical question is then “does that work?” My answer is absolutely!  Because I always meet the right people at the right time.  And they are always those people that I need in my life.  My purpose in wanting to connect with others is not to meet everyone in a room or at an event.  Of course, the more people know about my work the better, but that’s not the whole idea.  I want to connect with those people who I am meant to connect with and build a relationship with to help both our visions. 

I’ve been very fortunate so far that the Universe is bringing those people to me.  I get so excited when we begin brainstorming and envisioning what we can accmplish together.  Intention really works whether scientifically or on faith.  It works and I’m glad I found it all those years ago.