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The Elephant In The Room Series: Making the Uncomfortable Comfortable is a series of articles that bring you expert knowledge on uncomfortable topics that you may be avoiding.  Our intention is to bring light to these topics and make them more approachable to talk about.  Awareness, not avoidance, is the only way change for the better will take place within you, your family, your community and the world.

We all make mistakes!  We can and do hurt the people we love—sometimes innocently, sometimes by accident, sometimes on purpose.  Regardless of the cause of the hurt—intentional or unintentional—the damage is done.  As a relationship counsellor, one thing I know is that heartfelt apologies are essential to healing.

Unfortunately, many of us don’t know how to make an apology.  Absent apologies leave scars on relationships.  Over time, scars restrict the flow of love in any relationship—just like in flesh where the blood flow is restricted— the tissues of a relationship die over time.

So here’s the 7 Apology Essentials that restore “love” flow to hurt relationships!

1. Name the hurt you caused—give a detailed account of your hurtful behaviours and legitimate your partner’s feelings.  They’re not “crazy” for feeling this way—and you know it.  When you ‘fess up to what you did, you validate them.
2. Acknowledge your impact and the damage done—this way, you validate their resulting emotions.  The hurt person can see you understand the situation as it pertains to them—even if someone else might have reacted differently, you acknowledge your partner’s hurt.
3. Take responsibility for the situation and recognize your role in the harm—Don’t make excuses, rationalize away your behaviour, defend or justify your behaviours to try to avoid blame.  The intent of an apology is to repair the hurt heart of the other person, not to get you off the hook.
4. Care deeply about the hurt you caused—it should matter that you hurt someone you care about.  Twinges of guilt and remorse exist because we care, so experience them and the apologies will naturally flow.  However, acting like you care when you don’t will be sensed and render the apology ineffective.  Worse, a lack of empathy leaves you prone to repeat the behaviour in the future.  If you are truly unable to care, then get some professional help to access your compassion.
5. Know thyself–Your partner says, “How could you hurt me this way?”  Know your initial answer, “I don’t know,” isn’t sufficient!  You must look inside and figure out why you did what you did.  If you can’t explain your actions and have no insight as to why, how can your partner ever trust again?  You must face the truth about yourself—no matter how ugly!  You may not be able to undo the past, but you can seek to understand it.  If you have trouble understanding why or telling the truth, seek professional help.
6. Express your regret and ask for forgiveness—Slowly, sincerely, and succinctly say, “I’m sorry” somewhere in the apology.  You can ask for forgiveness but know the other is not required to forgive you, nor does apologizing imply your right to be forgiven.
7. Work to Earn Trust Back—Don’t repeat the hurtful behaviour again.  Back up your words of remorse or regret with action.  Keep your commitments to the hurt person.  Follow through with behaviours you promised to keep.

Remember, apologies heal the other’s hurt and restore connection.  But more importantly, when we hurt someone carelessly or purposely, we effectively debase our own humanity.  When we sincerely work to restore the other person’s love and forgiveness by confronting and correcting the damage we’ve caused, we restore our own honour and dignity.  The final outcome of apologizing, then, is repairing our relationship to self—becoming more fully human again!

Diane Anderson, MA, is a Registered Clinical Counsellor and Vancouver’s Love Coach.  A therapist, teacher, researcher, and speaker, Diane has worked with individuals and couples—aged 16-86—to create the healthy, vibrant, passionate love relationships they desire!

Diane addresses the surface symptoms of relationship problems but really alleviates the true root causes of people’s love difficulties.  Her post-graduate studies and ongoing clinical training honed the precise skills required to zero in on the barriers to intimacy we create—sometimes coaxing them aside, sometimes blasting them to bits (whatever it takes!)—to get to the truth about ourselves and to free us to love fully and deeply.  “The healing is in the feelings!” she says.

Diane authored 21 Ways to Win at Love–-a free 21-page downloadable booklet available at www.DianeAndersonCounselling.com.

Image credit: mozzercork

I was at a training this past week that was all about the Power in You (Do Yourself a Favor  right now and go to one of their FREE evening courses. YOUR life will never be the same again). 

Now I’m a person who works on myself all the time. I am aware of what I think and say to myself – at least as much as I can get out of my own head.  I would consider myself to be very self observant.  I also know that I don’t know everything and so I went into this training with an open mind and ready to soak it all in.

I wasn’t disappointed.  In fact, I was blown away at how much I grew during three short days and how I FELT afterwards.  This wasn’t one of those “ra ra – feel good” sessions that fizzles out after a few days.  It was absolutely life changing and allowed me to face and let go of some deep stuff. 

“Stuff” is a great technical term for all those things we carry around that stand in our own way.

I realized that The Law of Attraction works.  In fact it works so well that it’s incredible!  And the key to it is emotion.  Yes, emotion.  Knowing what you want is important too – but not as important as emotion.  The universe and your Unconscious Mind don’t care about what you want to attract – they only care about how you feel about it.  Good or bad feelings – the predominant will always win.  Let me explain.

I have an interesting life story – we all do, in fact, but I will use my own as an example.  Throughout my life I learned how to see the world, how to feel about things, how to behave in different circumstances, how to focus on things, and other “stuff.”  Now I want to be exceedingly clear that everything in life happens for a reason and I do not blame my past or anyone in it for where I am today.  Not anymore.  I used to, but that’s another post. 

Some things in my life work for me and others don’t.  In some areas of my life I attract exactly what I want and in others I struggle.  In fact, I don’t even feel very good about some areas of my life.  I don’t really know what I want but I feel bad about not having it.  These bad feelings keep attracting more of what I don’t want.  I realized that I even felt bad about wanting something different in such areas as my health and my career, and so I kept attracting more of what made me feel bad.  Whereas in my immediate family, I aways felt good about my relationship with my husband and now with my kids, and so my family life is fantastic!

So the point is that if you know what you want and you feel good about it you will get more of what you want. 

If you don’t know what you want and you feel bad about what you do have, you will keep attracting more of what you have.

If you do know what you want but you’re not emotionally attached to it, you will keep attracting more of what you have.

How do we get emotionally attached to what we want?  We have to know what gives us meaning in our life.  I’m so grateful that I know how to let past negative emotions and limiting beliefs go easily and quickly because I can now focus more on what I want.  And I can feel what I want which means that I am activating the Law Of Attraction to bring me closer to my dreams. 

So if you want to prove to yourself that the Law Of Attraction works, just keep thinking what you’re thinking and feeling what you’re feeling, and you’ll get more of what you’re getting. 

I feel like I made a quantum leap in my mindset during this course I just took and I am going to share it with the world.  I can now feel what it’s like to dream big and believe that I can achieve that dream!

FOR REAL! The Power in You is life changing!

Kasia Rachfall helps you stop letting your past to determine your future and your now. Did the above resonate with you? Do you disagree? Do you have a new insight to add? Please share your thoughts.

We’re entering an age where anything is possible.  It’s always been this way – and now more and more people are becoming aware of it.  We can change anything about our lives – as long as we’re willing to put in the effort.  It’s not about working harder – it’s about working smarter and more effectively. 

The hardest part of any change is being ready to change.  Once you decide that you’re ready the change happens very quickly – instantly even!  Usually when the student is ready the teachers appear – as Dr Wayne Dyer says.  So when you become ready the right person, book, workshop, or experience shows up.

Let’s say you’re ready to deal with family baggage and stress.  You’ve tolerated the stress, miscommunication, and weight of it all and it’s taking a toll on your wellbeing.  Perhaps it’s causing rifts between you and your spouse or children.  Perhaps your body is in pain or ill. 

You realize that in order to eliminate your stress, regain control of yourself, and how you respond to the situations that arise, you are the one who has initiate the change.  You realize that this has nothing to do with fault or blame – and everything to do with personal responsibility.  You can’t change anyone else – you can only change your responses or reactions to others’.  This puts the power back into your own hands.

The most important step to creating positive change is to clean out all the baggage that you’re carrying around.  All your anger, sadness, fears, guilt, hurt, and any limits that you’ve adopted as truths for yourself.  If you’ve always pushed down negative emotions because you learned just to “get over it” then it’s like carrying around a concrete back pack.

Your unconscious mind stores all these emotions and limits and they impact all your decisions and behaviors.  They act as gunk and sludge through which you perceive your world.  Once this gunk and sludge is cleaned out you gain clarity, lightness, and relief – you literally feel happier and more in control of your emotions. 

Time Empowerment® Therapy is a rapid way to release this baggage.  It’s a powerful technique that has been used by governments in North America and Europe to help soldiers recover from Post traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  It works with your mind’s existing ability to release negative emotions.  Ask yourself this – have you ever been angry or sad about something that you’re no longer angry or sad about?  Your mind is already capable of releasing a negative emotion and Time Empowerment® Therapy lets you consciously drive this process rather than waiting for it to happen randomly. 

During  February 2011 Fresh Perspective Family is holding a contest and we’re giving away 5 complimentary session of Time Empowerment® Therapy.  Go to our Facebook page and “Like” it and post your comment to enter the contest.  The winner will be announced in the next issue of this ezine.  If you know of anyone who could benefit from this process let them know that they can enter the contest too.  Simply have them “Like” the Fresh Perspective Family Facebook page and post their comment that they want to enter.

Why is it so hard to change our minds sometimes?  In fact, have you ever tried to change your mind only to discover that your mind seems to have a mind of it’s own? 

What causes some of us to resist change and others to thrive on it?  Researchers and scientists such as Dr Bruce Lipton have stated that it comes down to what we believe is true for us.  If you want change to be easy you must change your beliefs.  Sounds simple, doesn’t it? 

There are so many cliches about change such as “nothing is certain except taxes, death and change,” that it’s no wonder there are also many myths surrounding this topic.  What were you told about change as you were growing up?  What are you telling your own kids about it?  I would like to debunk three myths about change to show that it’s simple and there is nothing to fear. 

Myth 1       If you’ve had a limiting belief for a long time it will take a long time to change it

Fact:  Our minds are like the software in a computer.  It may take us a long time to write a particular program for a belief or we may gain a belief very quickly.  Now, can you think of a belief that you used to have that’s no longer true for you?  A single event or a period of time may lead us to change our beliefs. The truth is, that it’s not the change itself that takes the time, it’s us being ready to do the changing.  

Changing beliefs is like changing a document in a computer. It doesn’t take any longer to change a document that has been in your computer 20 years than it does one that has been there for 20 minutes.  The hardest part for many people is being ready to change.  When you’re ready the change is instant.

Myth 2       Changing old behaviours and thought patterns is difficult and often painful.

Fact: Dr Bruce Lipton states that what and how we think and how we behave are caused by our beliefs.  When you change the belief you change the resulting behaviour or thought pattern.  You don’t actually need to suffer to change.  It’s easy to rewrite your own software when you work with the unconscious mind which is the storehouse of all your thoughts and behaviors.  This no pain no gain myth has no basis in science.  Scientifically, beliefs are represented by specific configurations of photons of light held in the electromagnetic field of your mind. Change the field and you change the belief and this doesn’t physically hurt.  Any perceived pain is often emotional and it’s that perception of change that we fear most, not the act of change itself.  

Myth 3       You need to consciously know what caused the problem in order to change it. 

Fact: Uncovering a problem and then talking about why a it exists and where it comes from rarely create any shifts in the direction of a solution.  When you’re ready to change and release your problems, it’s not necessary to know why it exists or where it came from.  Focusing on resolving  the problem and taking action to move forward makes the act of change itself very simple.

It’s easy to get caught up in beliefs and myths that have been around for many years.  With the strides that have been made in change technologies and alternative therapies in the recent years, I believe such myths will become a thing of the past for many.  It’s my hope that the world will continue to awaken and become more open to helping themselves let go of these fears and achieve what they want.

Over the holidays this year I encountered a situation I had never dealt with before. I was in Vancouver and was approached by someone who was obviously in a great deal of pain. He kept dancing around what was wrong and there was obviously something wrong. He finally confided in me that someone had recently shot him.

Not thinking twice I offerd my support and got him to where he could sit down. I made the necessary calls for emergency services and waited. He kept telling me and the folks I was with to go on, and he felt bad for keeping us. I remember telling him that our own errand was not nearly as important as his life and I insisted on staying with him. The emergency crews showed up quickly and took care of the man and the police ended up arresting him for being the wrongdoer in a prior incident shortly before he approached me.

After calling my wife and telling her the situation and about this guy being a wrongdoer who was involved in a police incident she bluntly asked me if I would have done the same thing for him had I known he was a wrongdoer in the first place. I immediately responded with of course I would have; he was a fellow human being in need of help.

I am going to be bluntly honest here and say that I am not sure I would have always responded with such conviction. There were some very dark times in my past where I may not have been so open to offering help to others. I am extremely grateful to the universe for having challenged me in this way, as it was another way for me to grow emotionally and universally.

I can honestly say that because of all my experiences and my spiritual, emotional, and intellectual growth I can now say I would help any human being no matter what the situation, in any way I possibly could. And this is also what I am teaching my children. They need to see the good in everyone because I believe, it is not the people that are bad but the choices they make and actions that they carry out.

So in closing I would like to borrow a concept from Neuro Linguistic Programming teachings that states: People are not their behaviors; accept the person and change the behavior. We do not know what caused that guy to make the choices he made and to get himself arrested. He has red blood in his veins just like the rest of us and he deserved to be helped.

I believe that UNPLUGGING yourself from technology and media influence is a very inportant part to any persons life. I do not mean to unplug permanently, but we all need to take a break from our Blackberry, IPhone/Ipod, Android and all the fantastic social media options available to us now. I believe in technology 100%. I have a Blackberry myself and love what I can do with it. It has been a means for Kasia and I to stay connected when she is 3,000 miles away from home and the kids want to tell her something that just happened or just to say I Love You at random. It has also been an incredible option for me to be able to stay connected via email as I am not home very often. But all of that can take over a persons life very quickly. It has been stated in the media the the last thing that most people do is check their social media and it is also the first thing that they do when they get up in the morning. We need to turn this stimuli off once in a while and get ourselves away from the connections so that we can reconnect with the Universe. What I mean by reconnecting with the Universe is that, we all need to get into nature once in awhile, and this is what i mean by plugging ourselves in. Dr. Deepak Chopra states that when we return to nature it is the fastest way for us to recharge our batteries. You cannot however recharge your batteries when you are distracted by oustside stimuli like you iphone or blackberry. Take the time to enjoy your surroundings and REALLY take it all in. Take really deep breaths enjoying what nature smells like. Stop at a lookout or two and enjoy the view. Go with someone you love and take the time to re-connect with them as well. We do this regularily in our family even if we just go to the local nature park not far from our house. I find that I have a much higher more centred level of energy after our walk or hike and its a great way to educate your kids on how to respect nature. I suggest leaving your technology at home or in the car when you go, but if you must carry it with you, TURN IT OFF COMPLETELY, not just on silent mode. I will now use one of my favorite lines from the Comor sports store. “Go Play Outside.”

Many of us have doubt in our minds or maybe just not enough belief in ourselves. I want you to know it’s possible. The dreams you hold in your heart but push to the back of your mind are within your reach. Accept the fact that you can create a better life. This will serve as the springboard of belief you need to succeed.

~Martin Crous

I have been thinking about this comment that was said to me a couple of months ago and I have finally realized that I have been living my life this way for as long as I can remember. I will only reflect on bits and pieces that are the most meaningful to me at this point. Before Kasia and I had our own business I used to work in the hotel industry which in itself is a very demanding field to be in,  but I took it to the next level on several occasions one of which included a 36 hour shift. When we had our own Auto Repair shop I delivered newspapers in the middle of the night to keep the business afloat and keep our children fed and warm. Did I think about myself in these times? I can honestly say, without a shadow of a doubt, I did not. My biggest concern was providing for my family and doing whatever it took to do that.

Even just thinking about my favorite movies, they are all related to doing whatever it takes to get to where you need to be. “Lord of the Rings”, Frodo does what needs to be done to save Middle Earth, The “Jason Bourne Trilogy”, Jason Bourne does whatever it takes to find out who he really is,”Oceans 11,12 and 13″, again the team does whatever it takes to pull off their final goal. Some movies that you may or may not know and are a little more on the edgy side of life are the movie “8 Mile” by Eminem, this one is about Marshal Mathers a.k.a Eminem trying to become a rap star even though he comes from a broken family living in a trailer park with his drug addicted alcoholic mother all the while fighting the negative feedback he is getting for being a caucasion rapper.  And one last one along those lines as well is “Get Rich or Die Tryin’” with 50 Cent as the lead. This is 50 cents life story about being involved in drug dealing and gang relations as a teenager and then trying to break free from that life. He runs into resistance in the streets and eventually gets shot but fights back and eventually he makes it fulfilling his ultimate dream. These may be very extreme examples but they resonate with DOING WHATEVER IT TAKES, because all the characters in those examples did whatever it took to reach their ultimate goal.

Even just a few years back when Kasia came to me telling me very passionately that she needs to give back to the world, that we did not go through our life experience to not give back and teach others that there is a better way. Once again the fighter inside me was fired up and I asked her, what do you need from me. I had very recently started training to be a transit operator and as soon as I could I was working the late evening shift so Kasia could work day shift and do her schooling at night with no distractions. The kids were sleeping and I was at work. Don’t get me wrong they were trying times as well, we always tell people it was like having an affair with your own spouse, only seeing each other a few days a month. But we did it this time knowing there was a very bright light at the end of that tunnel.

Even now we are both working in Fresh Perspective Family as a team, while I still drive the bus full time and we are doing whatever it takes to get our message and teachings out there. It would be very selfish if we did not share our knowledge of living a better, more fulfilling life as parents with kids that will do whatever it takes, and not take “I can’t do this” for an answer. Kids that march to the beat of their very own drum, with an extremely positive outlook on life and taking responsibility for ALL their actions. We are teaching our kids that if you do something amazing, OWN IT, if you mess something up big time, OWN IT, and of course everything in between as well.

My final thoughts to you all are OWN whatever you do and DO whatever it takes to OWN what you are doing. Please leave your comments. I appreciate all feedback.

Training Your Core

Recently I wrote an article for my Warrior Fitness Training newsletter about “Training the Core -Vector Style”.  Don’t worry; I’m not going to get into the aspects of physical fitness here.  But I did notice something when I was writing this article.

There were a couple of paragraphs that could be applied to personal development and personal empowerment.

Just to give a brief background on the what the core is, from a physiological perspective – “The core is a section of the body roughly defined as the area from the armpits to the knees, and more specifically, as the 29 pairs of muscles that support the lumbo pelvic-hip complex that stabilize the spine, pelvis, and kinetic chain during functional movements.”

OK…that’s it for the anatomy lesson.  Well except one other part… “most movements occur through the core, after beginning somewhere else.”

Let’s think about this from personal empowerment perspective.  What is you ‘core’?  I might offer that your core is your values.  That part of you that give’s you direction in life.  That gut feeling when something is right and something is wrong.

 But in today’s frantic pace many of us have lost track of our core and have let it get weak.  Let’s take a look at another expert from my article about the physical core.  

“If the core lacks strength with balance and stability then energy leakage can occur upon force production or force absorption and the power generated by the limbs and transferred through the core can be lost, resulting in less power generated for a technique or a compromised ability of the body to absorb force properly. During force reduction, the pattern of force reduction compensation can lead to injury due to core weakness and imbalances.”

You probably found this very interesting didn’t you?

Let’s take a closer look…”If the core lacks strength and stability then energy leakage can occur…”  WOW!

Let’s apply this to our values based core.  If we don’t live in alignment with our core values then we can get distracted with other things…this is also energy leakage!  Then we can’t generate any power! 

Can you see how this might be showing up in your life?

By studying the physical core we can learn about our values core.  One word comes to mind when I think about both cores…integrity.  According to dictionary.com one definition of integrity is “a sound, unimpaired, or perfect condition.” This can be easily applied to our physical core. 

Another definition is “adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.”  This could be easily applied to our values core.

So, when our core is in integrity we’ll have no leakage and be in perfect condition.

The question is then…how to do you train your “core.”

Since there are so many similarities between our physical core and “invisible” core, let’s look at how one would train the physical.  Again from my article:

“If the core can be trained in these various angles, with a variety of implements, then it will be better prepared to withstand, as well as transfer, the forces needed in preparation, operations and deployment.”

Hum????

So how does this pertain to our values core?   The same way a person trains and develops mental strength….go out look for opportunities of challenges themselves.

This means intentionally exposing oneself to circumstances that will confront your values.  This might be keeping a commitment to friend to meet for lunch instead of canceling because you’re too busy (if friendship is a core value). It could mean telling someone you disagree with them instead of remaining silent.  

Take a look at your top 3 core values and think about the last time you “exercised” them?  I mean really put then to the test. By putting ourselves in a variety of circumstance (training from various angles) we can train our core to become stronger.  We’ll then have no energy leaks.

When we have no energy leaks we will have more energy to accomplish what we want and achieve personal success and peak performance.

If we don’t train our core will be susceptible to injury i.e. disappointment, fear, etc and personal failure.

The choice is yours….train your core or allow it be weakened.  I hope you’ll choose wisely.