Parenting, just like business, is an amazing and crazy process of self development.  I am so fortunate to be learning from both. My kids and my business both test me and push me. Through it all I have learned much about myself and refined the way I do things both as a parent and as a business owner.

I’m excited to share with you the benefits of this refinement – and it’s not all pretty. In fact, a lot of it is like wielding my frying pan and whacking parents over the head.

Parents deal with so many different parenting challenges – especially once the kids enter school. And I’ve noticed in my work that not every parent is open to talking about these challenges or even admitting that they are faced with a challenge. I often wonder if it’s to save face or to make themselves feel better or not so alone. Yes, talking about the reality of parenting troubles is still very much a closet topic.

This surprises me because every parent is eager to talk about how they want their child to be happy and successful. That’s a noble and loving life to want for your children; I want it for my children too.

Parenting troubles can especially escalate once your kids go to school because they get influenced by so many new sources of information, behaviours, and attitudes. They begin to try on all these new ways of talking and being and bring them home to test on you, the parent. And it’s in your reactions that the true learnings lie for your kids.

Why? Because when your kids listen to you and follow the rules at home it’s easier for you to behave. It’s easier to be the person you want to be. When parents misbehave the kids misbehave too. You see, when your child changes and you feel at a loss for how to reinforce your own values and boundaries you find yourself feeling squeezed. And that’s when all your own stuff comes up – you notice how much like your own parents you are or how much you don’t want to be like them. And you begin to fight your own upbringing and experiences.

You begin to feel like you’re losing connection with your child and you’re unsure how to talk to them so they listen to you. You may find yourself yelling a lot and getting more frustrated with your kid’s new attitudes and behaviours. You may feel like you don’t know how to discipline your growing child or how to get on the same parenting page as your spouse or partner. If you have a younger child who looks up to their school aged sibling, chances are they are also exhibiting behavioural changes and you’ve got double trouble on your hands!

In short, you find your own confidence as a parent waning – that confidence that was so hard earned over the first five or six years of your child’s life. You finally thought you had some things figured out and here the school years are throwing you a curve ball. The elementary school years can be just as challenging as the teenage years. And unless you know how to handle yourself and your changing child now – you will be certainly headed for trouble when they turn 13.

Why do parents not want to talk about this stuff? Perhaps because they don’t think they have the resources they need to really do anything about these feelings and troubles they’re facing. Or perhaps it’s because they worry that someone else will see them as even more inadequate than they already feel. The truth is, parents do the best they can and the only one who can make you feel inadequate is you. It’s just more old programming from your past! It’s those old, unconscious beliefs that make you feel inadequate, un-resourceful, lacking confidence, and even unworthy as a parent. And the worst part is that by not healing yourself from these core beliefs that you carry around with you often from your own childhood, you pass them on to your kids.

Success in life is not about winning at everything and never having anything “bad” happen to you. It’s about how you deal with all the stuff that does happen. It’s about how long you stay down after life throws you a curveball. Do you focus on the limitations and victimize yourself? Or do you get up, dust yourself off, and do something different? And if you don’t know how to handle your own stress, emotions, and parenting style how do you ever expect to empower your kids and teach them to handle life?

I know that not everyone will agree with me and that my new, refined stance on being better, stronger parents may even offend some people. I am willing to take that risk because I fully believe that in order for our kids to truly grow up happy and successful, we have to start with ourselves. Yes, our school-aged kids have more influences now – but as parents we are still their biggest source of influence. And unless we deal with our own stuff and baggage we will pass it onto our kids just like our parents passed theirs onto us. Are you ready and willing to be the pattern interrupt?

I’m launching a brand new series of Empowered Parenting Play-shops in February where I will show you exactly what’s standing in your way of really understanding how to communicate and support your child in this new stage of their development. I will address the top ineffective parenting styles and what they’re really teaching your kids. And I will provide you with the solutions and tools to help you manage your own beliefs and baggage so that you can step into being the parent you really want to be and stop worrying that you’re going to lose your connection with your growing child. These play-shops are happening in Langley and South Surrey and space is limited. So email me right away and secure your spot to learn how to reframe your parenting experience and unlock your parenting powers.

Kasia Rachfall is an effervescent speaker, author of Keys For Moms: Enough is Enough! and parenting expert whose grand golden mission is to empower children through releasing their parents from preconceived values, guilt, past hurts, and judgment. Starting at the source, she assists parents to bring conscious responsibility to the future. With tools such as Neuro-Linguistic Programming, Hypnosis, and Time Empowerment®, Kasia holds your heart while you move forward and take control of your life.

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If you’re like any parent out there, you have a loooong To Do list. And it’s probably one of those lists that has the following Categories of tasks:

• Needed to be done yesterday
• Must, absolutely get done today
• Should do today
• Should do at some point
• I wish I had the time!
• When I win the lottery, hire a housekeeper, a gardener, and a personal chef
• Yeah right! Who has time for this?
• If I start this now…I only have 10 minutes…nah, what’s the point I won’t get it done anyway!
• etc

My discontentment with the state of my house a couple summers ago and my dislike of my To Do list with its endlessness and its ever growing tail led me to a breakthrough. We had been renovating our house for what seemed like ever and there were still a bunch of things that needed doing. Since both my husband and I work and our kids have activities and we do like to have a bit of a life…time is a precious commodity. But the house renos were getting on my nerves and I wanted to finish them so I came up with the 15 minute list.

I wrote down every single thing that needed to be finished on one piece of paper. Then every day I would set my egg timer for 15 minutes and work my way down the list. I had decided that I could spare 15 minutes a day to Do Something rather than Do Nothing and fret about it for hours. I had to get over the whole “If you’re going to do it, you might as well just finish” concept. Because that’s what causes procrastination in the first place. And to my pleasant surprise – it worked!

Turns out that Doing Something for a focused 15 minutes actually eventually gets stuff done. Even painting! Imagine my surprise…seriously! The first day it took me 15 minutes to track down all the supplies. The second day I stirred the paint in the can because it took 15 minutes to stir it back into the color it was supposed to be. The third day I finally managed to paint a strip or two of wall. And by the end of a few more days the room was done! And then the mouldings and the window sills…

The real secret to this whole mad idea was that I left all the stuff sitting there waiting for my next 15 minute chunk of time. I didn’t put it all away because that would take more time…yup, the paint can, brushes, and trays all sat there during this whole process. And the cool thing is that no one really cared. There was no To Do List Police that came and told me I was doing it wrong or to clean up my mess.

I felt so proud of myself! I decided to use this 15 minute list for other things on my to do list – not just renos. In fact, it’s when I don’t use the 15 minute Sanity Saver method that I get stressed out again.

Here’s a the 7 Step How-To Make the 15 Minute Sanity Saver work for you:

1. Make a list of aaaalllll the stuff that you want to get done that you never get around to doing
2. Get yourself a timer – I like the Pig Timer, but you can use your phone too, or an hour glass that counts 15 minutes worth of sand
3. Pick something off your list
4. MOST IMPORTANT STEP: Give yourself permission to start it and…gasp…not finish it!
5. Set your timer for 15 minutes and get going on your task
6. STOP when the timer rings
7. ALSO IMPORTANT: congratulate yourself on doing something and do a happy dance. Or at least Woohoo really loud!

Are you a parent who dislikes the To Do List? Do you think this 15 Minute system will work for you? I want to hear your secret systems for getting things accomplished. You can also comment on my FB Page.

Kasia Rachfall is an effervescent speaker, author of Keys For Moms: Enough is Enough! and parenting expert whose grand golden mission is to empower children through releasing their parents from preconceived values, guilt, past hurts, and judgment. Starting at the source, she assists parents to bring conscious responsibility to the future. With tools such as Neuro-Linguistic Programming, Hypnosis, and Time Empowerment®, Kasia holds your heart while you move forward and take control of your life.

There’s been a great discussion about how to believe and one reader suggested that it comes from faith. I remember not having any faith – not even knowing what it means to have faith in anything. I learned a valuable lesson that the best place to start is to have faith in yourself and from that will grow everything else.

I do a lot of reflecting all the time – sometimes to the point of paralysis by analysis as my friends and family kindly point out to me. It’s taught me to be self aware but I wasn’t sure what to do with that awareness. This year instead of analyzing more I’ve decided to just change everything that didn’t work last year.

Yup – everything. Big, small, significant and insignificant. Anything that I’m aware of that didn’t work – I’m changing it!

Now, I didn’t actually sit down and make a list of things to change…I’m usually a list person. This time I am flying by the seat of my pants. Yup – spontaneous change! And it’s so cool! I think everyone should try it!

Here’s how it works: As you notice things, you change them. For example, I’ve started using a timer and setting it to 15 minute increments to help me focus better. It’s amazing! When I decide to do things now they get done! It’s what Tim Ferris writes in his book 4 Hour Workweek that the smaller the time increments you give yourself the more efficient you are. I thought he was crazy when I first read that!

I’m also changing how I approach exercise. Before the thought of exercise alone would un-motivate me. Now, I exercise when I feel like it and I do it in small chunks. And I know there are people out there who say that if you’re going to half-ass a workout, you may as well not do it at all. Well, I am not half-assing it – I am giving it my all in very short spurts of time. For example, I do 25 push ups. Then if I feel like it I do planks later on. I’ve actually discovered a passion for yoga and I do my half hour Bob Harper Yoga every day. Who knew twisting yourself into a pretzel would be so much fun?!

I draw or paint every day now too. I never used to because I thought art really didn’t add up to anything useful. I’m finding though, that my definition of what is useful is changing. If I used to think something wasn’t useful before I try it at least twice now. And I find I’m more productive because I do fun things as part of my routine now – I simply add them into my day in 15 min increments. And as a result I am much less likely to waste time being distracted or feeling like I never get to do anything fun.

What about you? Are there things that didn’t work for you last year that you’re willing to change this year? What are those things?

Kasia Rachfall is an effervescent speaker, author of Keys For Moms: Enough is Enough! and parenting expert whose grand golden mission is to empower children through releasing their parents from preconceived values, guilt, past hurts, and judgment. Starting at the source, she assists parents to bring conscious responsibility to the future. With tools such as Neuro-Linguistic Programming, Hypnosis, and Time Empowerment®, Kasia holds your heart while you move forward and take control of your life.

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When I was faced with having to take (and pass!) 5 statistics and calculus classes to get my Business Degree at SFU I didn’t believe I could do it. I wondered if there was enough wisdom in my brain to comprehend probability and other complicated equations. I passed and graduated with flying colours, but sometimes I still think it was by the grace of God.

When I was pregnant with my daughter and my son was 9 months old, I remember wondering if I could possibly love the new baby as much as I loved the one I already had. And, of course, I could and I do. But I remember wondering about it before I was a believer.

When we were going through our bankruptcy and the whole turmoil I wondered if I would ever feel happy again. And, of course, I began feeling happy again – but I didn’t believe it at the time.

Believing. What does it mean to believe? And how do we come to believe something?

These are the questions I’ve been asking myself recently. I journal a lot and I was inspired last year to write a letter to a younger version of myself. The self that I was about 6 years ago. I wrote from the heart and I found  myself feeling really compassionate more than anything. I knew that if I could go back and tell myself only one thing – the one thing that would change my life and give me hope again – it would be to Believe.

Believing that it’s possible even if you don’t know what “it” is, is enough to get you through the hardest parts. Because eventually the how shows up if you believe that it will.

What I didn’t know was how to help this younger version of myself believe. And just like in those three situations I described above – I don’t really know how you teach someone to believe. How did I graduate university? Well, hard work was a part of it. How did I learn to love my child? It’s just a natural instinct that mothers have – I just loved her. How did I believe in happiness again after all the financial turmoil ended? I worked hard and focused on being grateful for all my blessings. I’m not seeing the connecting dots here yet.

I think there is a way to help someone believe – just believe – and I will keep incubating this idea until I find my answer. Even if it is a really complicated answer or more likely a very simple one, I want to find it. Because by finding it I believe I will be able to contribute more to others’ lives.

What is your answer? How do you believe in something? How do you show others to believe?

The word of the year has become a fun tradition for me and many of the parents I work with. I learned about it from my mentor, Mari Smith. She chooses a word that describes a main theme that she wants to focus on for the year.  What started out as a fun thing to do has turned into a new way of focusing my energy to create what I want in my life.

It’s simple: you choose a word that will represent the overall vision of what you want to focus on, accomplish, and be in the upcoming year. It took me a while to choose just the right word for 2012. I dug down to uncover what it is that I really want to focus on and connect to – and I found it!

I remember when I was suffering from post-partum depression and all that other turmoil was going on in my life, I didn’t believe that anything good was ever going to happen again. Now my work centers around creating possibilities with parents and helping them believe that they can have a wonderful family life with no back talk from their kids, no bickering with their partner, no overwhelm or overcommitment and thin schedules. Believing really is the starting point for creating change. Believing it’s possible – and sometimes that’s all you have to go on.

So my word for 2012 is Believe. Because it’s what’s gotten me this far, it’s what keeps me excited about my work as I contribute to my vision of what I want this world to be for my children and all children, and it’s fundamentally what I offer parents who are serious about empowering their kids.

So if you were to choose a theme word for 2012, what would it be? Let me know on our blog or our Facebook page

This was the first year in a very long time that I enjoyed my Christmas. It’s tough to admit, but, there it is. I’ve felt my fair share of guilt over it…I have the perfectest family and so I should be happy but I wasn’t. I wasn’t aware that I had all the ingredients I needed until recently.

The family gatherings would drive me crazy. I did not enjoy the endless hours of cooking and baking only to eat it all in the span of one evening. I didn’t like the way Christmas has become commercialized and all the shopping and spending. And the list could go on and on.

So what changed for me this year? It was a combination of things and I really wish I knew the exact mix of ingredients so that if I ever find myself in that place again I could replicate the way out quicker. The good news is I have the list of ingredients and so recipe should be fairly simple to replicate.

1. Be grateful for who I am, what I have, and everyone I love – and express this gratitude

2. Let go of the things and people who don’t bring positive things to my life (ie: toxic relationships, sugar & wheat)

3. Focus on what I love about the people in my life

4. Eat what I love

5. Work on my to do list in 15-30 minute increments and be happy with what I’ve accomplished instead of what I haven’t.

6. Meditate every day

When I look at this list of ingredients it seems so simple! Aha! Because it is simple, isn’t it? I am looking forward to simplifying and loving my life even more in the coming year. I think I’ve also picked my Theme Word for next year. I will share that with you next week.

The Christmas weekend is only 5 days away and I’ve experienced first hand how crazy this time of year can get. (that is of course if you let it)

Are you one of those people that tries to make everything absolutely “perfect?”.I put perfect in quotations because perfect is different for absolutely everyone. Do you take on more than you want to, because you feel you need to entertain ALL your friends and family at this time of year? Do you create more stress than you need to? Do you spend more money than you know you should? Do you decorate more than is necessary? ALL of these things have one thing in common, they take time and energy. If you are not fully LOVING all those activities you can generate a lot of really negative energy. And this energy can and will be felt by everyone around you.

Here is my take on it. Over time, Christmas has become the most commercialized holiday of the year. I personally do not agree with this thought process. A few gifts, fine. But really, I believe the gift purchasing has gotten out of hand and everyone worries that the person they are buying for will not like their gift, so you may buy a bigger or more expensive gift and on and on and on. (It’s Just Stuff)

I, unfortunately, have spent many a Christmas away from home due to work and have missed much of the family hoopla.  Crazy and weird it sounds, thought, I look forward to that every year. Michael Bublé put it best in his Christmas special last week when he said “Christmas is when we get together, put our petty differences aside and create new petty differences.” This made me laugh out loud, because seriously, this is true for many people.

NOW, it is more important than ever to slow down, take a step(or two) back and really look at what you have to appreciate this year. NOT the Stuff. Look at your relationship with your spouse, your kids, all your other family and friends and most importantly your relationship with yourself. Really look at the fun you have had this past year. Stay away from the negative stuff, it doesn’t matter right now. And please DO NOT subscribe to the craziness that people put on themselves and then they end up not enjoying and not really remembering the holiday season.

Merry Christmas and a Happy and Healthy New Year to all our readers.

Bryan Rachfall is the CEO of Fresh Perspective Works. His creativity and magical computer skills keep things rolling smoothly. He’s also an empowered dad and a true visionary that’s forging the path for parents around the world to empower their kids.

When I worked in corporate I had set hours: 8:30-4:30. I had to be there and fill the time in between with work or if there wasn’t enough work, I had to look busy. That “set hours” mentality has been tough to unlearn even though it’s been almost two years since I haven’t worked in corporate. It’s an old habit that has recently cropped up with mega stress for me!

As a business owner I can set my own hours and be as efficient or as laid back as I want. Of course the most logical thing for a business owner to do is to be efficient. My drive for efficiency was stressing me out! It’s been a big source of overwhelm for me because my to do list never really gets shorter. In fact, it just keeps growing.

One day Bryan said to me that I don’t have to stick to the usual corporate hours anymore – I work in my own business and I can set my hours! So why was I getting all stressed out? Indeed, why?

I had followed experts’ advice and put a pause on all extra activities while I was building my business foundation. The problem now was that I never hit play on those fun things again. I continued to deny myself fun times in the interest of efficiency and that darned to do list. This meant that because I wasn’t having any fun I wasn’t being any fun either.

I was snippy with the kids and with Bryan. I wasn’t present or mindful with them and I felt bad about it – but I couldn’t really put my finger on what my biggest source of stress was!

Then Christmas came around and I started reading some of my old craft magazines. I loved crafting and drawing and painting and sewing but I had put a pause on it! Well, it was time to unpause.

SO this past weekend I dug out a bunch of paints, paper, and other doodads and the kids and I made Christmas cards. And we had so much fun! I didn’t care about the mess or the glitter that even ended up on our cats somehow. I just lost myself in the fun of creating again.

I got this cool book from a new friend named Violette who is a great artist lives in a magical cottage in White Rock. She told me that art saved her life and she wrote this book called Journal Bliss. Now I was rediscovering how art was putting fun back into my life.

The kids made amazing creations and my cards are pretty cool too. Now I am definitely going to make the time every day to doodle or draw something. It makes me happy. And it’s simply true that when Mama’s happy so is the rest of the family. I have more patience and I feel more joyous around my family. I’m sure they are glad to have a more fun mommy too!

Is there something that you have put a pause on that you want to go back to doing? Would it fill your soul to dive back into that activity?

I’d love to know what it is! Please share on my Facebook page or in the comments.

Here are some of our creations:

]]> http://www.freshperspectiveworks.com/2011/12/12/creative-stress-management/feed/ 3 http://www.freshperspectiveworks.com/2011/12/05/i-jumped-into-my-relationship-too-soon/ http://www.freshperspectiveworks.com/2011/12/05/i-jumped-into-my-relationship-too-soon/#comments Tue, 06 Dec 2011 00:08:50 +0000 Kasia http://www.freshperspectivefamily.com/?p=2522

Family Focus Friday: A revolutionary new Blog Talk Radio show for parents

The statistics facing families today are scary and getting scarier by the year, not getting better! Family empowerment expert, Kasia Rachfall and blended-families expert, Lisa Perry team up to discuss and provide deeper … insight into the issues families face today. This is a “no-fluff-zone – NOT your “what diapers to use” show. Lisa and Kasia take a frying pan approach towards dealing with the deeper underlying issues that make or break a family, no matter what kind of family you are. The topics are deep – but we won’t leave you hanging! Listen in and discover practical and sometimes amazingly easy strategies that you can use right away. You’ll be surprised at how even some of the toughest situations have the simplest ways out.

In this week’s episode:

Have you ever thought this about your relationship?? Do you feel that you were in love at the time and didn’t consider all the other things that go along with being with that erson long-term?

Often, people site this as an overall reason for separation and eventually divorce.

Kasia and Lisa will talk about the 4 main reasons why men and women tend to jump in to relationships too soon and what it all means when people do this – and the reasons might not be what you think they are!

If you find yourself in this situation – should you end it, should you work it out?

Listen in as they discuss options to tackle the underlying issues in a way that helps you meet your needs as a couple and to build a stronger and happier family.

Recently someone told me that I seemed very malcontent. My first ego based reaction was “What the…? How dare they say this about me?”

But after thinking about how I had been acting lately I realized how true this statement actually was. I was malcontent. There, I admitted it.

No, I wasn’t in a mid life crisis and I wasn’t planning on doing anything drastic. I’ve done enough of the drastic stuff in life to learn its not really the smartest way to go.

I really wanted to figure this one out. I had always been happy and not much really bothered me. If anything did bother me I could always brush it off. But this malcontent thing was bothering me something fierce.  And by golly, I finally figured it out!

Kasia and I have learned a great deal on manifestation and seeing the big picture and dreaming big. You can call it manifesting, intending, law of attraction or whatever you want, but essentially it is what you want to be, have, and experience. It’s important to have a family vision or dream but you also need to have your own dreams because you are still your own person. YOUR dreams. Not your spouse’s, not your kid’s. YOURS. I had lost touch with MY dreams and what was important to me.

After this “aha” I realized that there are tons of people teaching you to reach for the stars and dream big. However, a lot of them just barely touch on celebrating and loving what you currently have. If you do not celebrate, enjoy, appreciate and love what you already have then why should the universe provide you with more?

This is where I think we go wrong and I know that was where I went wrong. We only focus on what we want; not on what we have. We take for granted all the wonderful things that the universe and the creative geniuses of our time have provided for us. We complain when a 40 minute drive takes 50 minutes or if our mobile internet takes 5 seconds longer to load.

What if you were just happy that you have a vehicle and can get places faster than if you had to walk? What if you just appreciated that vehicle and took care of it? What if you were happy that you have a phone attached to you? Remember when you had to look for a payphone? (I’m sure some readers are asking what a payphone is. LOL.)

I am not in any way trying to squash the act of dreaming big. I have very lofty dreams and will one day reach every single one of them. I am simply suggesting to enjoy what you currently have and the universe will provide you more.

This makes me remember when Kasia and I were recently out for our 11th anniversary. We had a bunch of leftovers from dinner and were walking down the street. There was a homeless guy sitting and leaning against a tree as we walked past. Kasia offered him what we had. His eyes literally almost glowed with excitement as she handed him the bag and he responded with what one of the most heartfelt Thank You’s I have ever heard. He did not care that the food might be cold. He didn’t care what kind of food it was. He was just grateful that he got to eat that day. (By the way he ate really amazing Chicken Shawarma for dinner that night)

My malcontentment disappeared when I began to appreciate everything more. And I encourage everyone to appreciate, enjoy and have fun with what you have and the people we we have in our lives. Especially the people we love. The stuff can always be replaced. It’s just stuff.

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