The Elephant In The Room Series: Making the Uncomfortable Comfortable is a series of articles that bring you expert knowledge on uncomfortable topics that you may be avoiding.  Our intention is to bring light to these topics and make them more approachable to talk about.  Awareness, not avoidance, is the only way change for the better will take place within you, your family, your community and the world.

Most people today understand that our childhood shapes how we see, experience and respond to the world around us. So much so, it’s easy to assume someone who’s subjected to a challenging upbringing is at risk for carrying unwanted protective “baggage” into adulthood. And yet, we now know that a design flaw of the brain can easily misinterpret even the most benign of childhood experiences into scary memories that can hold us captive for a lifetime.  As parents, you should understand how this works.

In the simplest terms, this phenomena is tied to a design flaw of the brain.  Children are born with a fully functional old brain at birth, which contains the primitive hardwiring for self-protection and safety. In other words, things seem scarier for little brains.  This will subside as they mature, but won’t be fully resolved until a child’s ability to rationalize is fully developed in their early twenties.

So, this natural wiring causes little ones to translate benign experiences into significant events. For a small child, a stern warning on the dangers of snakes can easily morph into an uncontrollable snake phobia by adulthood — as was the case for one of my clients. And, it makes scary events even scarier. A locked door at naptime in the child’s eye is a devastating sentence of trapped. And as the child moves into adulthood, she is inclined to make a series of decisions meant to keep her safe from ever being trapped again. I know this because another client brought this scenario to my office a few months ago, which is probably why an abrupt awakening in my hotel room just one day later seemed so poignant.

It was just 6:52 a.m. when the blood curdling screams made their way through my hotel door, “Mommy! I…WANT… MY.. MOMMY!!”

A minute passed with escalating volumes and intensity, and I knew this wasn’t an ordinary tantrum. I entered the hallway and saw a frightened little girl who couldn’t have been more than three. It appeared she had somehow been locked out of her room, which is what I surmised from her huddling body in the doorway. Her face was red with fear as she attempted to catch her breath in-between cries for her mother.

A minute or two later her mother made her way down the hallway. Her approach was nonchalant and her explanation irreverent, “I left her in the hallway to give her a timeout. Sorry if it woke you up.”

Though I didn’t ask and she didn’t volunteer, I’m sure she had some rationalization for the decision she made to momentarily leave the child: her sanity, exhaustion, ill-advice given to her. After all, I had a million “excuses” for all the poor choices I’d made, but that didn’t stop me from voicing my opinion. I was mortified, and said just as much.

After all, I was now fully aware of the potential repercussions of how this event could impact her adult life. Just like the woman in my office this week who’d spent half of her life trying to avoid being abandoned or trapped again in incredibly well-intentioned ways, the experience of this little girl has the potential to change the trajectory of her life. The chances she won’t surrender to the protective inclinations seared into her unconscious mind created in that small five-minute window will be dependent on conscious choices that will feel totally foreign and contradictory to her instincts. It could happen, but it is equally probable that she will move through life making limiting decisions meant to keep her safe from similar circumstances.

So, you see anyone who experienced a childhood is at risk for having baggage. If words of caution can grow into a phobia, then making fun of a small child for coloring outside the lines can translate into a lifetime in search of perfection. Being reprimanded for crying on your first day at school becomes an unconscious prompt to avoid any situation that could feel emotional. A brief experience of feeling abandoned or trapped becomes a charter to stay in control at any cost, because the old brain makes the scary…scarier.

This Week’s Elephant Topic Expert:

Susan Crampton Davis

Awakening Works, LLC (www.awakeningworks.com) was founded by Susan Crampton Davis.  Throughout Susan’s career she always had an unrelenting sense of curiosity about why people self-sabotage or get in their own way, give up on their dreams so easily, or struggle to embrace personal change even though it held the potential for greater success.  She even had the same thoughts about herself.

In 2005, everything changed.  Susan came to understand the power of the unconscious mind and the detrimental effects of deeply engrained disempowering beliefs and patterns of fear-based behavior born from our life experiences.  Today, Susan contributes to the growing dialog and paradigm shift that change and transformation can happen more easily.  In addition to leading Awakening Works, she speaks regularly on the topic of change, conducts workshops, and works with individuals who want more from life – faster.  She is a master-level NLP practitioner, registered hypnotherapist and uses various healing modalities to complement her coaching practice.

Prior to starting Awakening Works, Susan held various senior leadership roles in human resources at some amazing organizations, to include the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, Getty Images, Staples, Amazon, and W. L. Gore & Associates, Inc.

Photo Credit: Pink Sherbet Photography

The Elephant In The Room Series: Making the Uncomfortable Comfortable is a series of articles that bring you expert knowledge on uncomfortable topics that you may be avoiding.  Our intention is to bring light to these topics and make them more approachable to talk about.  Awareness, not avoidance, is the only way change for the better will take place within you, your family, your community and the world.

You have found your perfect partner this time around and the fact that you/your partner or both of you are a “packaged deal” – meaning that there are children from a previous relationship doesn’t matter.  You are both in love and you will do whatever it takes to be together.  Sound about right so far?

Fast forward one to five years and your perfect union is not feeling so perfect anymore;

• Your children don’t like your partner
• Your partner’s children don’t like you
• You and your “perfect” partner have very different idea’s on Parenting
• We won’t even start to mention the Ex-spouse….

Welcome to Step Family Life – where the act of Step parenting goes far beyond the description of “difficult” to downright STRESSFUL.

If you can relate to what I am saying then here is what I want you to do as you continue to reading…

Sit back, breathe deeply and accept the following facts about your stepfamily;

• If you are newly formed or formed within the past two years understand that this is the most volatile stage of step family development since everyone is trying to figure out roles, rules and boundaries

• The integration of Stepfamilies is done in stages and it takes an average of 7 years to go through the seven stages.  Some families go through the stages faster and accomplish the integration in as little as 4 years – others can take as long as 12 years. Some may even remain stuck.

• There are a total of 3 Step Father Models and 5 Step Mother Models.  When you are able to identify which of these Models fits your characteristics, this will help you to understand why you are having your particular challenges.

• Most Stepfamilies are formed with a set of assumptions created by the various family members such as “Our family is my spouse, children-stepchildren” or “I will protect and save my children from the previous hurts and pain they have experienced” and finally “If I am mean to my stepparent then that may help get my parents back together”.

Creating a Step Family who lives “Happily Ever After” is possible – however, it takes a great deal more work than creating a happy Nuclear family. You have to first of all understand why your family acts the way they do, then you allow everyone to communicate their needs and build action plans to meet those needs.   The Elephant in the room is first of all accepting that your Stepfamily is different than a Nuclear family and the challenges and conflict you are experiencing are actually – Normal. If you stop fighting the difference and start appreciating them this will help strengthen your stepfamily and all the family members can move forward as individuals.

This Week’s Elephant Topic Expert:

Brenda Hooper, CFM, CCR, CPCA

As a Commercial Insurance broker for 25 years, Brenda’s mediation career began in 2000 in commercial mediation as a panel mediator for the Insurance Dispute Resolution Services after she received her Certification in Conflict Resolution from the Justice Institute of B.C. and gained additional training through the small claims court mediation practicum.

Her passion for families and in particular Step Families prompted Brenda to go back to the Justice Institute to learn more about family mediation and become nationally certified as a Comprehensive Family Mediator through Family Mediation Canada and a Masters Certified Step Family Coach through the Step Family Foundation of America.

Brenda operates her private mediation practice – Step By Step Mediation Services in which she not only mediates Divorce/Separation but has also developed a successful mediation business assisting Step Families through the conflict and confusion of Step Family life.  As a Step Mother, Step Daughter and Step Sister herself, she is keenly aware of the issues and concerns surrounding this complex family system.  Brenda received training on senior issues and became a Certified Professional Consultant on Aging to assist those clients who are adult step children with aging parents/stepparents.

Brenda has presented her seminar “The Conflict and Confusion of Newly Formed Stepfamilies” throughout the lower mainland and recently to the B.C. School Counsellors Association annual conference.  She has recently published an e-book for Professionals who work with Stepfamilies entitled “Step Family Struggles-Step Family Strategies”.

She is on the Board of Directors of the British Columbia Arbitration and Mediation Institute, Mediate B.C. Family Roster and a member of Family Mediation Canada.

Brenda lives in Delta, British Columbia with her husband, and two sons. Her spare time consists of hanging out at the hockey arenas and wondering what she did in a past life to have two son’s who play Goal.  When not at the arena, she spends her time walking their chocolate Labrador retriever “Choclee”, reading and trying to wrestle anyone to play cards.

I was watching a video this morning by John Assaraf in which he talks about his recent goal to drop 25 lbs.  In this video he uses the term “excusitis” – in other words, making excuses for not achieving a goal we want.  John said that besides getting rid of all excuses he also set a clear goal and visualized achieving that goal.

John’s comments led me to ask myself if I too have excusitis because there are some goals I haven’t achieved.  As someone who works with women to assist them to release what’s holding them back from the happy life and happy family they want, I can smell an excuse a mile away!  And I don’t allow clients to get away with excuses and I encourage them to take actions every day towards what they want. 

I realized that what’s been standing in my own way of some of my goals is that I haven’t visualized them clearly enough.  Not only that, I haven’t written them all down. 

Some goals, the ones that are well within my own control to achieve, I can easily visualize and take action on.  Like the renovation of our new Fresh Perspective Family office.  I set the goal, saw it completed, and it’s done!

The bigger goals though, those are the ones I can’t visualize or write down.  I still take action on them, but it’s not always focused action and so it’s not really possible for me to measure how close I’m getting or not getting to the goal.

So what is it about the big goals and my inability to write them down or visualize them?  Because I’ve tried and I just sabotage myself every time in different ways.  I’ve nailed it down to fear of lack of control for sure.  I’ve also started to catch the language I use when I talk or think about those big goals.  My language really tells me I don’t fully believe I can achieve them…so why bother writing them down or visualizing them.  It’s easier just to take actions that lead me “somewhere in the vicinity of the goal” because then I can at least feel good that I’m doing something. 

If I were my own coach I would have had a big talking to with myself.  And that’s exactly what I’ve done.  I’m watching what my language and my emotions tell me about my beliefs around control, success, big acheivements, and even failure.  I’m excited to observe this process as much as I am excited to take myself through it.  It’s easy for me to take clients through NLP, Hypnosis, and Time Empowerment® and I plan on being a good client. 

I deserve to reach the big, mountainous goals too!  And I’m willing to face that Inner Control Freak once again and break through the barriers to being a more confident me, a more loving mom, a more successful business person, and all the other ways in which I will come closer to who I am in my heart.

I will keep you posted on my progress and successes.

Photos by: melodysheep

I was at a training this past week that was all about the Power in You (Do Yourself a Favor  right now and go to one of their FREE evening courses. YOUR life will never be the same again). 

Now I’m a person who works on myself all the time. I am aware of what I think and say to myself – at least as much as I can get out of my own head.  I would consider myself to be very self observant.  I also know that I don’t know everything and so I went into this training with an open mind and ready to soak it all in.

I wasn’t disappointed.  In fact, I was blown away at how much I grew during three short days and how I FELT afterwards.  This wasn’t one of those “ra ra – feel good” sessions that fizzles out after a few days.  It was absolutely life changing and allowed me to face and let go of some deep stuff. 

“Stuff” is a great technical term for all those things we carry around that stand in our own way.

I realized that The Law of Attraction works.  In fact it works so well that it’s incredible!  And the key to it is emotion.  Yes, emotion.  Knowing what you want is important too – but not as important as emotion.  The universe and your Unconscious Mind don’t care about what you want to attract – they only care about how you feel about it.  Good or bad feelings – the predominant will always win.  Let me explain.

I have an interesting life story – we all do, in fact, but I will use my own as an example.  Throughout my life I learned how to see the world, how to feel about things, how to behave in different circumstances, how to focus on things, and other “stuff.”  Now I want to be exceedingly clear that everything in life happens for a reason and I do not blame my past or anyone in it for where I am today.  Not anymore.  I used to, but that’s another post. 

Some things in my life work for me and others don’t.  In some areas of my life I attract exactly what I want and in others I struggle.  In fact, I don’t even feel very good about some areas of my life.  I don’t really know what I want but I feel bad about not having it.  These bad feelings keep attracting more of what I don’t want.  I realized that I even felt bad about wanting something different in such areas as my health and my career, and so I kept attracting more of what made me feel bad.  Whereas in my immediate family, I aways felt good about my relationship with my husband and now with my kids, and so my family life is fantastic!

So the point is that if you know what you want and you feel good about it you will get more of what you want. 

If you don’t know what you want and you feel bad about what you do have, you will keep attracting more of what you have.

If you do know what you want but you’re not emotionally attached to it, you will keep attracting more of what you have.

How do we get emotionally attached to what we want?  We have to know what gives us meaning in our life.  I’m so grateful that I know how to let past negative emotions and limiting beliefs go easily and quickly because I can now focus more on what I want.  And I can feel what I want which means that I am activating the Law Of Attraction to bring me closer to my dreams. 

So if you want to prove to yourself that the Law Of Attraction works, just keep thinking what you’re thinking and feeling what you’re feeling, and you’ll get more of what you’re getting. 

I feel like I made a quantum leap in my mindset during this course I just took and I am going to share it with the world.  I can now feel what it’s like to dream big and believe that I can achieve that dream!

FOR REAL! The Power in You is life changing!

Kasia Rachfall helps you stop letting your past to determine your future and your now. Did the above resonate with you? Do you disagree? Do you have a new insight to add? Please share your thoughts.

I’ve had a book called The One Minute Millionaire on my book shelf for at least 4 years. It’s written by Mark Victor Hansen and Robert G Allen. I picked it up last week and in the first few pages I read something so profound that it’s taken me a few days to process it. It’s one of those pieces of information that I was aware of and had heard before but I just wasn’t ready to understand yet.

This time I was ready.

It said “To become a millionaire you first have to decide to be one.”

This struck me as so profound because I realized that that’s the first step to achieving anything! Deciding to do it! And of course I’ve made decisions in the past and achieved things, but there have been a few things in my life that have so disorganized that they seemed unreachable.

Many people dream of becoming a millionaire, including me. And what was even more profound is the shift that I felt when I decided to be one instead of just dreaming about it. Holy moly! I felt charged up, energized, and even more on purpose. I anchored that feeling right away.

The book went on to describe that you can make your million the slow way (saving a bit every month in a high interest account) or the fast way (in real estate, business, etc). And what’s more, is you can work on both ways at the same time!

This floored me. Positively just stopped me in my tracks. Of course you can do it both ways at once!

I immediately thought how can I apply this new way of thinking to other areas in my life? I don’t know why I had pigeon holed myself into thinking that there is only one right way to do something – whether it’s in a career, a relationship, or in health. For some reason I had decided that I couldn’t work on a goal or a vision in more than one way. That once you choose a way you stick to it until you think it’s time to change and then you choose a new way. That’s silly!

Now as I’ve processed these amazing insights life got a whole lot easier. Combined with my new understanding of what a vision is…I can achieve whatever I want! And I’ve always known that, of course, but it seems like now the HOW just became clearer.

I want to have a certain relationship with my husband, my kids, my friends; I want to have my finances a certain way; I want my business to be a certain way…and NOW I can see more than ONE WAY to get there!! Doesn’t that take the pressure off?

As I sit here writing I am still processing how groundbreaking this was for me. I would love to know if this has changed your approach to your goals in any way? Please comment and share.

YOU hold the keys to living an empowered life in YOUR hands. When you take 100% responsibility for your choices, your actions and your inactions, your life will change immediately.  You’ll recognize the excuses and reasons you have for staying in your comfort zone and suffering through your current story, and your story will change!  You are the creator of your reality.  Dr Wayne Dyer says that when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. It’s true. You will see immediate results when you use this book because your mindset will shift.

Are you squeazing 36 hours worth of stuff into a 24 hour day?  You’re so busy doing things for your family that I’m willing to bet that YOU come last! At the same time you’re probably saying to yourself, “It’s my responsibility to do these things! I’m the mom!”

Do you get so run down trying to fulfill the roles that you don’t take time for yourself, and then complain about to your girlfriends or husband? 

Deep down, you know if you let go of the guilt about taking care of yourself and you stopped feeling afraid of changing things that aren’t working in your life, you would feel happier, more fulfilled, and less resentful of all those responsibilities you have taken on.

Do you feel you’ve lost yourself somewhere along the way and you’re taking care of everything and everyone else except you?  You tell yourself “someday” you will be able to find the time to enjoy your hobbies and work on your personal growth. For now, you’re going through the motions day after day — and the years slip by. 

Just because this is your life now doesn’t mean it has to be that way forever. In fact, you have the power to change it today.  Right now. You just have to choose to change and give yourself permission. This is very important. You can only change what you are 100% committed to changing. 

Changing your life doesn’t have to be complicated or take a long time. What it does take is commitment from you to put yourself and your needs first, to work on yourself, to be honest and willing to make whatever changes you need to make to achieve the life you want.

You must be willing to let go of excuses.  My own mentor, Fabienne Fredrickson, always tells me: when you’re interested, you do what’s convenient; when you’re committed, you do whatever it takes.  This John Assaraf quote is now a favourite of mine.

There are three requisites to creating change.  First you must focus on what you want.  Then you must clear out the negativity, limitations, and other mental and emotional gunk and sludge that is keeping you stuck.  Third, you must maintain your focus and take action.   You have the keys within yourself to unlock the door to endless possibilities.  

This book is divided into three sections.  Begin by working through the first section on getting clear on what you want.  Choose a key that you feel comfortable with and work on it for a one-week period.  Once you master the key, choose another one. While some of these suggest actions, others are simply concepts that involve making a conscious choice.  Practicing the actions will help you make them automatic. This process will take some time, and it is meant to . . . the purpose is not to overwhelm you.  I recommend first choosing the keys that speak to you the most or the ones that you know you can commit to easily.

Commit to yourself 100% and don’t waiver — no matter what anyone says.  These keys will light your path to your transformation into an empowered and fulfilled woman, a woman who has reclaimed herself and is now better able to not only fulfill her role as mom, wife, and professional, but also as a woman and a citizen of this world. You’ll become a woman who knows that the world is a better place because she is living and walking this earth.

Now available on Amazon here.

Now available for purchase in Electronic Form here.

What You Don’t Want

You’ve probably heard it said that what you think about expands. What does this mean exactly? It means that wherever you put your focus and attention, you get more of that. Think about it this way: in the area of your life where you have everything you want and it’s working like a finely oiled machine, your focus is very likely not on all the things that make it not work. It’s on those wonderful things that make it such a great part of your life! If you’re a healthy and fit individual that is in great physical state then you don’t go around worrying that you’re going to lose that. Just like if you have a meaningful, close and loving relationship with your spouse you don’t spend your days thinking about how to avoid the next fight or argument. You don’t have to worry about such things because they are not part of your life. Because you don’t think about them or focus on them, they don’t come into your awareness. You focus on being healthy and on loving and respecting your spouse. And that’s what you get more of!

Now, in the area where you don’t have everything you want you probably spend a lot of your day worrying and thinking about how bad things are. If you don’t like your current job you focus on all the ways in which you don’t like it. Or if you’re battling your weight you focus on all the ways in which your body doesn’t behave or look like what you want it to. And you get more of the same! Even when you try to change something you are stopped by all sorts of fears that come up for you.

We can look at this from the scientific perspective too. Your unconscious mind doesn’t process negatives. Your unconscious mind is also the goal getter, it’s where your values, motivation, behaviours, beliefs, and attitudes are encoded. (This is why this System focuses so much on working with your unconscious mind – because that’s where the change must occur for it to last.)

When you think about what you want in your amazing relationship your unconscious mind helps you get more of that because you’re thinking about it in positive ways. For example, I want respect and love and closeness.

When you think about not wanting to be heavy or not wanting that job you hate, you think about it in the negative. For example, “I don’t want to be heavy and unhealthy” or “I wish I wasn’t so tired all the time” or “I don’t like this job.” Your unconscious mind can’t process “do not want” or “do not like” and what it hears you saying and thinking is “I do want” or “I do like.” And that’s what it helps you get.

“You can’t not think about something without first thinking about it; think about that.” ~Dr Matthew James.

The good news is that you already know what you don’t want. Once you clear all that out you can begin to focus on what you do want so that you get more of it in your life. Worksheet #2 will get you started listing all the things you don’t want.  Sometimes you need to empty yourself of all the negatives in order to be able to focus on the positives.

What is it about having the support of your spouse that’s so key?  This has been an ongoing conversation in our circle lately and I had an “aha” about this yesterday. 

Yesterday wasn’t a good day for me.  I was climbing uphill all day and I really felt like all the work and effort wasn’t worth it anymore.  It was a day when I kept looking at the carrot on a stick that is my big vision and how far I still have to go to get there.  The distance between where I am and where I am going seemed so daunting!   And I’ve had days like that in the past and what I used to do was just get through it.  Do mindset work and just move on.  Most of the time it took a while to move on, too.

Yesterday was different.  Bryan got home from work and immediately tuned into the fact that I was “off orbit” in my mindset.  He really listened to me and my concerns and then expertly helped me find my grove again.  He helped me to see how much I’ve accomplished in the short time that I’ve been doing this business full time.  He got me to look at the successes I already have and to focus on the next step, not on the final destination.  

His amazing coaching and some Belief Release Therapy quickly got me back to feeling motivated, clear, and ready to take on the world again!  I realized that with him being on board and supporting this vision we have and being invested in our work together means that I don’t have to do it alone!

Duh! You might say.  But it’s huge!  I no longer have to be the only one who’s strong and feel like I’m the only one who has the flashlight.  Bryan has always supported my business and did what needed to be done, but he didn’t fully understand the vision and so I still felt like I was in it alone.  His understanding and acceptance and support now have combined into this magical and soft place for me to rest when I feel like I can’t climb anymore. 

To me, that’s what spousal support is all about.  Not only taking care of the house or the kids but really, really understanding and having a common “big why.”  There’s a reason the universe brings certain people together and they love each other more than anyone else in the world.  It’s because those two people are meant to do great things together.  This “big why” can be raising responsible adults, having a business together, or simply being role models and inspiration for others who don’t believe in love or in themselves.  Whatever that “big why” is, once you find it, support becomes easy, the journey becomes more fulfilling, and life has more meaning.

I spoke to a wonderful group of moms this morning and had such a great time. I decided to really put into practice what my energy healer and other teachers have been telling me.  It’s all stuff I know…and today I decided that I would implement and not just think.

I created a focus and intention before going into the conference room to give my speech and I wrote a goal card for this morning.  I have been looking forward and preparing to speak to this group for a few weeks and I wanted to make sure I did my absolute best. So my attitude and energy were on board, and now my focus and intention were on board.

There were some babies crying and people coming in late and other noise.  And my presentation went off without a hitch! I engaged the audience, they had tons of questions, and I felt like I really developed a good connection with them.  At the end I asked about what they had learned and many of the moms had some awesome takeaways that they shared. 

I’m very fortunate to have had this speech go so well. I know that it’s not just luck but that it’s my own willingness and determination to show up.  I intended all my ducks to line up and did my part to make sure that they would, and they did!

Thank you universe.