Perfection…seems like such a…well…perfect thing to strive for, doesn’t it?  So many of us have gotten caught up in wanting to reach it and have felt inadequate and far away even when we try really hard.

And moms tend to be the best at trying hard – and falling down even harder.  Perfection makes us feel like we’re not good enough and like we will never be as happy as we could be.  Because that green, harmonious, and perfect family life is always on the other side of the perfect fence.

Perfectionism can also cause us to procrastinate.  Truly, how can you ever finish something if you’re waiting for it to be absolutely perfect?  It’s really a no-win situation – especially when we hear our children one day say “I’m not good enough” or “I can’t get it perfect.”

Guess what, perfection is a learned attitude and parents are their kids’ greatest teachers.  So what can parents do to ensure kids don’t learn this self defeating attitude?

One way is to focus on excelllence.  Yes. Simple excellence. 

In fact, how do you feel about settling for excellence instead?  Settling for anything can make you feeli uncomfortable, but excellence is a way better choice to settle for than perfection.  For example, take a look at any survey with a scale of experience…1 being poor and 5 (or 10) being excellent.  It never says perfect. 

When you label yourself as a perfectionist you have a great excuse for not starting a project or not finishing one.  Ask yourself how is this label serving you and supporting what you want to accomplish in your life.  Sell your perfectionism and purchase excellence and you’ll be amazed at how different the world will be.

AND, you can feel good about what you’re teaching your kids too.  You and your children will be a lot happier understanding that perfection is a fleeting state and puts you under a lot of pressure.  Excellence can be easily attained and is just as good.

This July Long Weekend was our first camping trip of the year.  We loaded up our sedan and headed north to Squamish for 3 days.  The weather was clearing up and we were all very excited about spending some time doing some de-stressing and relaxing. 

I have a theory on stress especially after this weekend.  It needs to be processed and nothing processes it like the clean and renewing energy of nature, next to Time Empowerment Techniques, of course.  We spent a lot of time walking around and playing ball and frisbee – and staying out of each others way! 

It’s been a long winter and really not much of a spring so we’ve spent more time in doors than we’re used to as a family.  On this trip we found ourselves excited, eating smores and chips (and some veggies), and staying up late around the camp fire, and so a few arguments came up here and there on day 1. 

Day 2 was better and we enjoyed more ball games and less arguing.  But it wasn’t until Day 3 that we all really relaxed and truly had fun.  I started thinking about it because holidays are supposed to be relaxing the whole way through, aren’t they?  That’s what I thought until now. 

There is a book by Gregg Braden called Earthing where the author talks about our connection to nature and recharging our batteries by being in direct contact with nature.  Dr Wayne Dyer also talks about this in his work.  He says walking around barefoot helps to restore our internal balance and helps us sleep better, for example.   I practice this after a long day and feel so much better but I know I don’t practice it enough. 

After 3 days spent in nature all of the stress that had built up over time was finally coming out of all of us – at the same time.  I think this is why we were all on edge for the first little while.  We’re a calm family and so to experience this onslaught of energy being released was interesting and we weren’t used to it.  I felt bad about it at first because I do a lot of emotional releases and keep myself calm and balanced.  Then I realized that although my processes and practices are fantastic and work very well, nature has it’s own way of helping us return to balance a lot faster.  There are many ways to eat an elephant.

On the last day it clouded over and they were calling for rain all night and the next day.  We decided to pack up while our gear was still dry and go home.  I’m glad we did because we all got an awesome night’s sleep at home that night and had a lovely Sunday riding our bicycles at Iona Beach. 

I am positive that the next camping trip in August will be different and that we will return to calm a lot faster.  The summer weather has finally arrived and we’ll be doing a lot of out doorsy stuff and letting nature pull stress out of us at the same time.

You and I and all human beings see the world through our own unique lens – kind of like looking through a windshield. As kids we’re born with a clean windshield and it gets smudged and cluttered up by what we learn as we grow and mature.

As a kid you experience and are told things about the world and you learn based everything that happens to you. Your conscious mind processes only a fraction of the total information that your senses are exposed to. The rest is filtered by your subconscious mind according to what it’s been conditioned to focus on – all the “stuff” on your windshield. What you focus on influences your results in life.

If you’ve ever seen a movie with your best friend or your spouse and you loved it but they didn’t, you what I mean. Two people can experience the same event in very different ways because of their windshield and what they focus on. Two people can also come from a very similar background and upbringing, have the same opportunities come their way and one will succeed and the other will struggle.

When everything in your life is working for you this means your windshield is allowing you to focus on what you want. But if you’re struggling, feeling stressed about miscommunication with your spouse or your boss, feeling like you don’t have enough meaningful connection with your children, or fighting with your health and fitness, it means your windshield is dirty. You’re focusing on what’s not working and on all the ways you try to change and it’s still not working.

To permanently change your circumstances easily, you need to start with cleaning your mental windshield. This will allow you to focus on new ways of approaching your problem and give you a fresh perspective on how you can achieve what you want. The reason for this is simple. The information that is allowed to pass through your filters influences your view of your world, your emotional state, your physiology. These three in turn make up your behaviour and lead to your results.

For example, studies have shown that negative people may perceive excitement as anger. Positive people would perceive excitement as just that: a happy and energetic state of being. Consider how differently you would behave if you perceived an excited person to be angry versus if you perceived them to be happy.

It doesn’t mean one perception is right and one is wrong, it just means that when you change your perceptions you change your experience of the world. Remember that as a parent, you’re largely responsible for your what’s on your children’s windshields because they model your behaviour. They learn your habits, your struggles, and your triumphs.

 What do you want them to model after you?

 Here are 3 questions that will assist you in cleaning your own windshield. First, consider the areas of your life where you’re not experiencing the results you want. Second, ask yourself these questions and write out your answers.

1. What perceptions of the world do you have that are sabotaging your success in this area?
2. What negative beliefs do you have about what you can and can’t do? About what’s possible or impossible? Write out your top 10.
3. How will your life change if you believe simply that you are in the process of accomplishing anything you want?

You realize that the results you’ve been getting have plateau’d. You’ve tried and tried and you feel like you’ve really put your best self into it and yet your expectations aren’t being met.  Whether it’s a job, a relationship, a fitness program, or your family life – you’re not alone in this frustration you’re feeling. 

 Why do we get stuck in ruts of “trying” and don’t get what we want?  Because that’s what we learned to do. 

 As a child you experienced life and were influenced by those around you.  You were imprinted with their ideas, values, beliefs, and attitudes.  You learned and formed beliefs about the world and how it works.  Once you learn to do things a certain way this information is stored in your unconscious mind and it becomes second nature to you.

 It works much the same way as learning a skill or trade.  Once you learned how to tie your shoes, you do it without thinking because it’s now unconscious knowledge for you.  It’s like having a software program running in your neurology for everything you know and do.

 Your mind is powerful because it holds everything you have ever learned and makes behaving and thinking easy for you by sticking to what you know.  The problems and struggles develop when the way you’ve always done something or the way you’ve thought about something no longer fits in your life. 

 One surefire way to get unstuck and stop trying is to get curious. Yes. Curious.  

Instead of blaming yourself, your spouse, kids, boss, other circumstances, or making up excuses get curious about what you can learn, change, improve, or tweak to continue getting the results you want.  Find the resources you need to help you figure out how to move beyond this struggle.

 You may be thinking, “Really? Curiosity? It’s too good to be true.  Is it really that simple?”  You bet!  When a child gets stuck solving a problem or building a puzzle, what do you tell that child?  You encourage them to try something new, to think differently, or you may give them a hint or clue – something that opens up their mind to a fresh perspective and allows them to solve the problem.

You’re already aware that something isn’t working in your life because your results aren’t showing up.  Now get curious about your experience of this struggle instead of getting angry, upset, or blaming something or someone. Curiosity is a big step towards resolving that struggle because it’s not about fault or blame, it’s about getting the results you want and deserve. 

When you’re curious about what’s going on without judgment, you leave space for new insights to come to you about what’s going on. Make a list of all the external and internal struggles you’re curious about in your life.  Write this list from a place of non-judgment or labelling these struggles as good or bad.  They are what they are and objective curiosity about their nature and purpose is all we want for now.  From there you can identify the resources you have and need and you will become aware of your next logical step.

Kasia Rachfall helps you stop letting your past to determine your future and your now. Did the above resonate with you? Do you disagree? Do you have a new insight to add? Please share your thoughts.

I finally watched the Oprah finale and I bawled the whole time.  She inspired me and made me believe and this was the first show of hers that I’d ever seen.  We’ve never been a big TV watching family so we haven’t had cable for years.  My personal opinion is that most shows on TV are uninspiring to say the least, but I do wish I had been able to watch Oprah. 

Every night before I fall asleep I ask for clarity on issues or topics that I can’t resolve on my own.  Usually it’s Angels (yes, we all talk to Angels in our house) or my Spirit Guides who give me direction, last night, it was Oprah.  And here is what she said:

“You have to do one thing at a time because you’re scattered.  Find the meaningful and work on it until it’s completed.  You can work on the meaningful in many ways, just make sure it’s one thing at a time.”

This dream was so vivid that it almost didn’t seem like a dream.   I’m so grateful because those words helped me out a lot.  So I’ve made a list of all the projects that I will finish that I have on the go.  And even though for some reason I’ve resisted it, I will block off chunks of time to do my work until things are finished – no distractions.  I have my egg timer all ready to count time for me and I’ll keep you posted on how it’s going.  I’m excited to finish a bunch of stuff because lots of new projects are coming down the pipe.

Kasia Rachfall helps parents stop letting their past to determine their future and their now.  Did the above resonate with you? Do you disagree? Do you have a new insight to add?  Please share your thoughts.

Imagine this scenario: you are out of town on a business trip and you receive a frantic call from your spouse who is having a medical emergency which incapacitates her for a whole day.  You have no one else to care for your 4 month old infant and no way to get home fast enough.  Who do you call for help? Who do you trust enough to give your child a caring and trusting environment while you make your way home as quickly as possible?

Do you have a friend you could count on? Would you be the type of friend who would help if called upon unexpectedly with this scenario even though you had other commitments that day, like work? If you would lose a day’s pay and you knew next to nothing about taking care of a baby…would you help your friend?

Dr Wayne Dyer says that the purpose of any human life is to give it away, because that’s all you can do with it.  This means in service to others – not to give it up and die.  We all come from one source and so we are all connected, no matter what you call that source. So when you’re helping others you are helping yourself. Whatever energy you put out into the universe is what comes back to you.

We all know people who give generously of themselves and who are tremendously happy because of it.  People like this don’t look for the “what’s in it for me?” They just do good things for others because it’s the natural thing to do.

 The scenario I described above happened to a good friend. He dropped everything to help his friends who had no one else to turn to.  I am grateful to have many people in my life who live this way.  They stand up for what they believe in, they work smart for what they want, and they give of themselves entirely.  I learn from them and they inspire me to be better than I used to be. 

 It’s important for me to raise children who are givers and trustworthy.  The best way to do that is to be a giver myself.  The important thing to note is that giving must be done from the heart and without depleting ourselves.  We can’t give from what we don’t have.  The good thing is that there are so many ways to give to others – even if it’s a smile or a kind word. 

 What are some of your family’s favourite ways to give back?

Well, are you?  Let’s start with…what do you think most people are like.  As you think of most people, what are some words or phrases that you would use to describe them?

These words and phrases that came to your mind, are they positive or negative? 

That says a lot about you – and not in a “good or bad” sense.  It can give you clues to how you can become better than you used to be.  How you can be different than most people.  And most importantly, how you can teach your children to be themselves rather than be like most people. 

We view the world through our own windshield and that windshield has on it all our experiences, decisions, beliefs, emotions – all the things we believe are true in our life.  These things are true for us but it doesn’t mean they are true for anyone else. 

So how we view most people reflects what most people mirror back to us.  So when we notice that others are angry all the time – this tells us something about ourselves such as perhaps we’re pretty angry too or we’re denying our own anger.  For example, when I was recently asked this question my responses were

1. Most people don’t love themselves enough
2. Most people don’t believe in their own potential enough
3. Most people don’t take action enough

I do the work I do because I want all parents and their kids to believe they are enough and to take action that brings out their best self and allows them to shine in their life.  So when I came face to face with my responses about what I think I see in most people I turned inward and asked myself – do I think these things because those are the things that I notice about myself? It’s definitely something to chew on. 

The journey of my work and my life has been a lesson in knowing myself and owning what I feel and live.  And I say it’s a journey because I haven’t arrived anywhere yet (and I don’t mean death).  I know what the place I want to arrive at is like: the feelings, thoughts, and external circumstances of being there – but I’m not there yet.  And I realize that most people aren’t at their arrival point either.  We’re all on a journey whether we realize it or not and if we don’t know where we want to get to, we may never arrive.  And this goes beyond just goals - I’m talking about the whole experience of the goals and everything else that I want in my life.  Because we can achieve a goal and still not feel like we’ve arrived.

In order for me to not be like most people I want to work on some things in my self.  And when I know that I can think of most people and say they are:

• more loving
• more kind
• judging less
• giving more
• achieving more
• know what they want
• leading by example more
• swearing less
• taking more time for themselves
• enjoying their food and their life more 

then I will know I have arrived.

So ask yourself, are you like most people?  What does that say about you? I’d love to read your comments.

Parents are busy people.  We tend to run from responsibility to responsibility day after day.  We do this for different reasons: because we think we should, because we love it, because we think it’s good for the kids, because we have to, or because we want to. 

Out of all the daily responsibilities, how many are only for you? As a parent doing things for your family is important but do you sometimes feel stressed or resentful because you don’t often do anything for yourself?  You may think that if you had more time, money, a housekeeper, a chef, a better body, etc, your life would be so much easier and then you would take that time for yourself. 

This type of thinking creates a self imposed trap for us because the truth is, even if your circumstances miraculously changed this instant, chances are you wouldn’t feel any different about yourself.  You would not know how to deal with the sudden change.  This is often why people who win the lotto end up blowing all the money, going broke and dissatisfied again.   We often can get caught up in thinking that it’s the big trips, cars, or houses that will make us happy inside.  Yes, they will certainly give us a different life experience, but to truly experience deep happiness and joy we don’t need those things. 

Happiness, meaning, and satisfaction with our life come from a deep sense of self love and knowing.  Not a selfish type of love but a love that inspires us to bring our best selves to everything.  And a sure-fire way to feel that is to take care of ourselves and our own needs – just as much as we take care of others, maybe even more. 

There is no one type of self care fits all routine.  Every parent has their own way of knowing that they love and honour their own being.  This could be as simple as exercising 20 mintues every day, spending an hour quality time with the kids, drinking four cups of water, taking a bath, or reading for 15 minutes a day.  Only you know what activity is meaningful and special to you – not because someone tells you it’s good for you or because you feel you should do it. 

Of course if you had all the money and time in the world some things would be easier.  But these daily self love and self care activities would likely not change much because the desire to do them comes from within.  Take 3 minutes right now to jot down 12 things you know you want to do every day that will make you feel good and will bring out your best self.

The good news?  You can do many of those things on your list now! Without winning the lottery!  You can begin creating a different life experience every day and with simple things that you love.  In fact, by doing these things for yourself you will be teaching your kids that their wellbeing is important and by taking care of themselves they will be able to better take care of others.

The Daily Dozen list is a great exercise to do with the kids (once they’re old enough to understand this) because it will teach them to honour their own needs.  Simply pick a time and give each member of your family a piece of paper and write out 12 things that you all want to do for yourselves every day.  Your kids may have different ideas than you do about what makes them happy and it’s important that they be allowed to practice their own self care daily activities (within safe boundaries, of course).  Remember this is not a judgment or good/bad idea type exercise.  Put this somewhere where you will remember to look at it and start implementing it.  And notice how differently you feel and how differently you show up for everything else you do in your busy life.

In the “good old days” you went to school, then either to college or a trade school (usually following your father’s footsteps) and then you got a j.o.b. where you stayed until they gave you a gold watch on the date of your retirement. 

This rigid way of doing things is outdated now.  I love to learn things and I agree that knowledge is power.  But I don’t necessarily think that college, trade school, or even following in our parent’s footsteps is a one size fits all strategy.  The way we learn and the way we work has changed.  So why is it that, as parents, we still have that Gold Watch mentality about “how things should work“?

And why do we keep passing the Gold Watch to our kids?

We’re currently surrounded by news about the economy, how hard it is to make money, keep a job, buy stuff because prices are going up, etc, etc, etc.  Organizations, schools, and families get stuck in this hamster wheel of ”times are tough and we have no money so we can’t do anything.”  This mindset is not healthy because it keeps us stuck repeating old patterns and it teaches our kids all sorts of limiting beliefs about money, flexibility, and their ability to solve problems!

I heard a story once about a village in Brazil where a wooden bridge had been washed away in a storm.  The people didn’t know what to do about it because a new bridge mean they needed engineers, materials, time, labour, Mo-ney!  As they stood around commiserating about their misfortune, a young girl spoke up and said “My dad is an engineer, maybe he could help design a new bridge?”

Her simple statement led to a breakthrough!  A few other villagers began offering up some wood that they had laying around, someone else offered up their time and labour, and before you know it, the new bridge was built!  The people had come together and thought outside of the box and found the resources that they already had to rebuild a bridge.

Children are born without limits.  They find creative solutions because their creativity and ability are not contingent upon needing resources before having a solution.  They have an idea of what they want as their end result and then they figure out how to make it happen.  Children are taught how to accept limits by loving, well meaning parents and guardians who learned those things from their loving and well meaning parents and guardians. 

As an adult, how can you begin to think outside the box to accomplish your goals and create what you want?  As a parent, how can you reinforce and treasure your kids’ creativity and inner wisdom to follow their passions and be all they can be? 

1. Begin by pretending that you have all the resources and you design a solution.  Or,

2. Imagine your most ideal solution and what resources you already have to begin moving towards it. 

Resolving a problem or making a change doesn’t mean you have to have the whole thing figured out. You only need to know what you want and then take the most logical step towards it.  The villagers wanted a bridge – the logical first step was an engineer who already lived in the village.  They only needed to realize that they had the resources already and it took a child to point it out to them. 

Think from the perspective of a child – you can even ask your children for help.  And put aside all judgment about the ideas that begin to take shape.  They are not good or bad – they just are.  Again, it’s not about knowing the whole “how,” it’s about being creative and doing something different.  Because the Gold Watch rigidness of a comfort zone creates frustration and keeps us stuck. 

By tapping into your own creativity you will model flexibility, problem solving, and rising up to challenges for your kids way better than they could ever learn anywhere else.

When Bryan and I were in Florida last September we met a lady named Sile O’Broin while we were sitting in the hot tub.  We got to chatting and found out that Sile helped people who suffered from migraines – because she had overcome them herself. 

I’ve only ever had one migraine and it was due to an allergic reaction to a medicine I had been prescribed.  The pain had been unbearable!  I couldn’t imagine what it must be like to live with that degree of pain regularly. 

Bryan and I were both facinated to learn that one in ten people live with migraines!  And what was even more shocking to me was that over 80% of them are moms!

It’s hard enough on some days to be a mom with all the responsibilities we have.  On  most days it’s the most rewarding type of lifestyle – kids are such a gift!  But sometimes when you have one of “those days” when you wish you were on a desert island with a book and a cold drink, it can be a challenge to be a mom.  I can’t imagine what it must be like to face mommy challenges AND feel physically unwell because of a migraine!  Hats off to all the moms who power through it!

Sile suffered from migraines herself and finally had enough of it.  She got really curious about the real causes of the headaches because she was frustrated that doctors were at a loss!  She figured they must all be looking in the wrong places for the cause and only continued to cure the symptoms. 

She began to do her own studying and research and made some personal breakthroughs as a result.  She successfully abolished her own migraines as a result of her own work and decided that what she discovered was too good to keep a secret.  She decided to put together all her information into a coherent whole and has now dedicated her career to helping others abolish their migraines. 

I wanted to share with all of you Sile’s story because it’s so similar to my own – she did whatever it took to overcome her suffering and uncovered her purpose to serving the world.  She’s offering an online boot camp program where she will teach everything she knows about how to help yourself overcome your migraines.  I agree with her that this information  is too good to keep a secret – especially from all the moms with migraines out there! 

If you or someone you know wants and needs to know more about how to end migraines then please sign up for Sile’s informational call she’s doing this Friday, April 8, 2011.  It will change your life and the lives of many moms forever.