The Christmas weekend is only 5 days away and I’ve experienced first hand how crazy this time of year can get. (that is of course if you let it)

Are you one of those people that tries to make everything absolutely “perfect?”.I put perfect in quotations because perfect is different for absolutely everyone. Do you take on more than you want to, because you feel you need to entertain ALL your friends and family at this time of year? Do you create more stress than you need to? Do you spend more money than you know you should? Do you decorate more than is necessary? ALL of these things have one thing in common, they take time and energy. If you are not fully LOVING all those activities you can generate a lot of really negative energy. And this energy can and will be felt by everyone around you.

Here is my take on it. Over time, Christmas has become the most commercialized holiday of the year. I personally do not agree with this thought process. A few gifts, fine. But really, I believe the gift purchasing has gotten out of hand and everyone worries that the person they are buying for will not like their gift, so you may buy a bigger or more expensive gift and on and on and on. (It’s Just Stuff)

I, unfortunately, have spent many a Christmas away from home due to work and have missed much of the family hoopla.  Crazy and weird it sounds, thought, I look forward to that every year. Michael Bublé put it best in his Christmas special last week when he said “Christmas is when we get together, put our petty differences aside and create new petty differences.” This made me laugh out loud, because seriously, this is true for many people.

NOW, it is more important than ever to slow down, take a step(or two) back and really look at what you have to appreciate this year. NOT the Stuff. Look at your relationship with your spouse, your kids, all your other family and friends and most importantly your relationship with yourself. Really look at the fun you have had this past year. Stay away from the negative stuff, it doesn’t matter right now. And please DO NOT subscribe to the craziness that people put on themselves and then they end up not enjoying and not really remembering the holiday season.

Merry Christmas and a Happy and Healthy New Year to all our readers.

Bryan Rachfall is the CEO of Fresh Perspective Works. His creativity and magical computer skills keep things rolling smoothly. He’s also an empowered dad and a true visionary that’s forging the path for parents around the world to empower their kids.

When I worked in corporate I had set hours: 8:30-4:30. I had to be there and fill the time in between with work or if there wasn’t enough work, I had to look busy. That “set hours” mentality has been tough to unlearn even though it’s been almost two years since I haven’t worked in corporate. It’s an old habit that has recently cropped up with mega stress for me!

As a business owner I can set my own hours and be as efficient or as laid back as I want. Of course the most logical thing for a business owner to do is to be efficient. My drive for efficiency was stressing me out! It’s been a big source of overwhelm for me because my to do list never really gets shorter. In fact, it just keeps growing.

One day Bryan said to me that I don’t have to stick to the usual corporate hours anymore – I work in my own business and I can set my hours! So why was I getting all stressed out? Indeed, why?

I had followed experts’ advice and put a pause on all extra activities while I was building my business foundation. The problem now was that I never hit play on those fun things again. I continued to deny myself fun times in the interest of efficiency and that darned to do list. This meant that because I wasn’t having any fun I wasn’t being any fun either.

I was snippy with the kids and with Bryan. I wasn’t present or mindful with them and I felt bad about it – but I couldn’t really put my finger on what my biggest source of stress was!

Then Christmas came around and I started reading some of my old craft magazines. I loved crafting and drawing and painting and sewing but I had put a pause on it! Well, it was time to unpause.

SO this past weekend I dug out a bunch of paints, paper, and other doodads and the kids and I made Christmas cards. And we had so much fun! I didn’t care about the mess or the glitter that even ended up on our cats somehow. I just lost myself in the fun of creating again.

I got this cool book from a new friend named Violette who is a great artist lives in a magical cottage in White Rock. She told me that art saved her life and she wrote this book called Journal Bliss. Now I was rediscovering how art was putting fun back into my life.

The kids made amazing creations and my cards are pretty cool too. Now I am definitely going to make the time every day to doodle or draw something. It makes me happy. And it’s simply true that when Mama’s happy so is the rest of the family. I have more patience and I feel more joyous around my family. I’m sure they are glad to have a more fun mommy too!

Is there something that you have put a pause on that you want to go back to doing? Would it fill your soul to dive back into that activity?

I’d love to know what it is! Please share on my Facebook page or in the comments.

Here are some of our creations:

Family Focus Friday: A revolutionary new Blog Talk Radio show for parents

The statistics facing families today are scary and getting scarier by the year, not getting better! Family empowerment expert, Kasia Rachfall and blended-families expert, Lisa Perry team up to discuss and provide deeper … insight into the issues families face today. This is a “no-fluff-zone – NOT your “what diapers to use” show. Lisa and Kasia take a frying pan approach towards dealing with the deeper underlying issues that make or break a family, no matter what kind of family you are. The topics are deep – but we won’t leave you hanging! Listen in and discover practical and sometimes amazingly easy strategies that you can use right away. You’ll be surprised at how even some of the toughest situations have the simplest ways out.

In this week’s episode:

Have you ever thought this about your relationship?? Do you feel that you were in love at the time and didn’t consider all the other things that go along with being with that erson long-term?

Often, people site this as an overall reason for separation and eventually divorce.

Kasia and Lisa will talk about the 4 main reasons why men and women tend to jump in to relationships too soon and what it all means when people do this – and the reasons might not be what you think they are!

If you find yourself in this situation – should you end it, should you work it out?

Listen in as they discuss options to tackle the underlying issues in a way that helps you meet your needs as a couple and to build a stronger and happier family.

I’m doing a Masters in Transpersonal Psychology right now and I get to study all things mind related. In my most recent class we are focusing on hypnosis. One of my classmates said she uses her unconscious mind as a personal assistant.  She gives her unconscious specific instructions about what she wants and when – for example, the outline for a paper or a project by next Friday – and then she just goes about her day.  When Friday comes around she simply sits down and allows the requested information to flow out of her.

I gave this lots of thought because I think it’s brilliant! What an incredible way to utilize the capabilities of our unconscious mind which is so much more powerful than our consciousness. I thought about whether I am using my own mind to its full potential. Am I giving it clear instructions for what I want? And more importantly, is it giving me what I want back?

The answer is a decisive yes and yes. I always get what I want from my mind BUT I realized – my focus is NOT where I want it.

I am very self aware and I take responsibility for what I create in my life. I also have this tendency to find fault with myself all the time. I look for the next limiting belief or emotion that is standing in my way. I have great rapport with my unconscious mind and I ask it to seek out and find what else I have to heal and release in my life. But this seems to leave me feeling like there is always something wrong with me – which there isn’t! And I want to feel good about myself.

Not to say that healing yourself isn’t a worthy endeavor. It is – but not if that’s all you’re focused on. I found that I don’t spend enough time being grateful for all the ways in which I am already great and excellent. Yes, I have “stuff” to work through. But I also have a lot to be proud of and a lot to appreciate.

So, as a change of focus exercise – I wrote a letter to my unconscious mind thanking it for always giving me all the information I ask for.  I am grateful for my mind always bringing up things for me to work on. Now, however, I want to focus on all my accomplishments, my capabilities, and all the things that I already do well. If there is something pressing to work through – I’m sure I will become aware of it and take care of it.

I invite you to take a look at what you focus on most and what you ask your mind to bring up for you. Is your focus where you want it? Are you grateful for who you are and what you’ve accomplished in your life? If not, you can shift this at any time. You simply have to be willing.

Image credit.

Ok, so the house cleaner coming led me to have a MAJOR control freak style meltdown. Trust me, I felt like I was crazy sitting in my office and meditating my insanity away, listening to the cleaners vacuum, dust, etc, upstairs

What had gotten me so riled up? It was my Inner Control Freak…just on a whole new, different and surprisingly deeper level. When I got home from dropping off the kids at school the cleaners were already there, busily doing their thing. I should have been grateful…instead, I was mortified when I saw that every light in the house was on.  They had loaded the 5 dishes in the sink into the dishwasher and were running it…75% empty! The scent of the supposedly “green” cleaning solution was overwhelmingly slamming itself into my nose.

Like I said. I freaked out inside. Why couldn’t I just feel grateful? Why?

I ran into my office, spread out my cobalt blue cloth, lit my candle, and meditated on my snazzy round meditating pillow.

I was pissed off at myself. How could I possibly be poking holes and scoffing at having my house cleaned for me!? Of all the indignant, ungrateful, dumb things to freak out about, I was freaking out about someone else cleaning my toilets and floors.

I decided being mad wouldn’t solve anything and so I dove headfirst into the anger, taking my control freak with me. I felt the anger fully and cried big tears. All I wanted to do was be grateful and yet here was this giant wall of out of control anger that was so big and so tall inside me!

Working through the layers of emotions I discovered that it originated from the part of me that wants to save the world and it’s precious resources. We recycle as much as possible and ensure that we do our best to conserve energy in all the ways we can at our house. So when I walked in and found all the lights on and the empty dishwasher running, this part of me went berserk.

As I continued to ask this part of me what was its highest intention I realized that it’s to lead others by example and with kindness and to help me save the world. As they say, you get more bees with honey than with vinegar. As I integrated this part into my being I calmed my control freak down and I felt gratitude.

And the solution became clear to me. I would simply speak to the cleaning company and ask them not to use the stinky cleaner. I’m happy to provide my Norwex cleaning paste instead. I would also ask them not to run the dishwasher if it’s not completely full…they can load it and just leave it for us to fill up and turn on. I would lead by example and perhaps, they would think twice before using up electricity in another home. And I realized that they needed the lights to finish the job and every light was turned off when they left.

I would not have been able to get to that place of clarity and gratitude if I had simply continued to rage and allow that control freak to reign over me. It’s what I used to do but now I’m wiser and have tools that work so much better and empower me and my family.

In the movie The Smurfs the main human character, Patrick, has a very demanding boss. She tells Patrick that she fired his predecessor because he gave her what she asked for – not what she wanted.  Patrick is perplexed when she goes on to say

“How am I supposed to know what to ask for when I don’t even know what I want?”

 I recently received an amazing gift to spend a lot more time with my family.  For the next several months we will have a house cleaner coming! This is what I’ve always wanted because if I didn’t have to spend time cleaning I could focus more on being happy with the kids! Yes, I’m excited and yes, I’m grateful…and…

 And I’m also faced with the uncomfortable feeling that I won’t have to fill all my time with DOING stuff. I’m good at doing stuff – I’m still practicing how to just have fun with the kids.

So I found myself questioning if I had really received something that I had wanted. You may be thinking I’m crazy that I’m even questioning this…a house cleaner is amazing! Yes, it is.

And it pushes me out of my comfort zone of doing and into the un-comfort zone of having a lot more fun and even being a bit lazy.

Everyone has a different comfort zone. Many moms settle for a comfort zone filled with so many responsibilities and “shoulds” and as a result, resentments. Yet when change and stepping out of that uncomfortable comfort zone is possible – moms can tend to think “No, I’m ok. It’s not too bad here and I’m ok.”

Once moms step out of that uncomfortable comfort zone and taste what it’s like to live how we really want, we can never go back. Conscious living is constantly redefining your comfort zone, even if it freaks you out a bit.

So if you find yourself in a place where you are asking for something...but you don’t really know if it’s what you want…start with knowing what you don’t want.

1. Write down all the things you don’t want first. Clear those out of your mind.
2. Then focus on what you do want…and make a list of those, stated in the positive.
3. Then go ahead and ask for those things!

Practice knowing and practice asking – your life will shift on a dime, you’ll see!

Image: hodgers

We have a great new complimentary audio available for a download called 5 Mistakes Moms Make & How To Avoid Them.

It’s easy to get caught up making these mistakes – especially when you’re not aware that you’re even making them!  Things like communicating what you really need, believing that only you can do it right, and thinking that kids should know better are common mistakes moms make.

Many parenting problems can be avoided when you have the right tools to use in the moment. Kasia coaches you through simple steps to get you connecting better and communicating more clearly with your children, partner, and other family members and friends.  Creating more harmony and minimizing stress can be fun and easy!

Learn how you can figure out if you make these mistakes and what you can do to avoid them.  Put your name and primary email into the blue box with the keyhole on the right of the screen, and get instant access to the free audio.

The Elephant In The Room Series: Making the Uncomfortable Comfortable is a series of articles that bring you expert knowledge on uncomfortable topics that you may be avoiding.  Our intention is to bring light to these topics and make them more approachable to talk about.  Awareness, not avoidance, is the only way change for the better will take place within you, your family, your community and the world.

As a parent of a teen you can expect to have some of the most challenging talks in our child’s life. It goes with the territory as our teen is immersed in a developmental period which is rocky and unpredictable and is only starting to experiment with the ability to reason. Risky behaviour, drugs, alcohol, driving, curfews, and the dreaded sex talk are just a sample of what lies ahead.

Ironically this is the period of time that our communication with a teen often falls flat. Grunts, tirades, and moody withdrawal do not lend themselves to initiating a meaningful dialogue.  As parents we can become frustrated and fearful as our ability to control situations slips through our fingers. The discussions and issues will come; the topics will be wide and varied and often controversial.  To ready ourselves for this, we would be wise to heed the Boy Scout Motto “Be Prepared.”

Here are just a few recommendations to ease into this time:

1) Practice with the easy stuff.

Teach your teen how to have a conversation about daily activities by sharing stories of your daily events. Letting him in to your adult world where you share some of your goals, achievements or disappointments honours them as an individual. Encourage your teen to be a part of the conversation and listen to their contributions. Know that they may have a different perspective and be curious about it.  You are not required to agree but consider that fresh ideas are the seed from which new things grow.

2) Watch your reaction!

The issues teens experience and the daily decisions they make can be loaded with the potential for negative outcomes.   As a parent it is so important to remain calm, breathe, and curb the knee jerk reaction to yell or “freak out”. If they come to you to discuss something it’s because they feel safe in doing so. To ruin your chances of your teen coming to you again, let them know as loudly as possible how disappointed you are in them and comment at length on their stupidity in getting into this situation.

3) Be open

This is a good time to reflect back to our own teenage years and remember some of the antics you experienced.  Did you ever do or say something that got totally out of hand?  Did you ever jump into a situation without thinking it through? Did your parents punish or belittle you for what you did? Bring some of these memories to the current situation. This is another good time to remain calm.  When your anger or frustration levels are high your reasoning and intelligence levels are low. It might be a wise  to admit that you need some time to gather your thoughts. When ready, ask open ended questions to clarify:

• Tell me more about that.
• What happened then?
• What do you think will happen as a result of this?
• What do you think you should do now?

When your teen feels respected and listened to he will be able to move forward feeling supported and start the process of taking responsibility for his actions.  Keep in mind: you are not responsible for his behaviour. You are responsible for providing an environment and opportunity to learn and grow as your teen becomes an adult.

Challenging talks are an opportunity for growth.  Some will be positive and some will fall flat.  You are human and doing the best you can.  Remember: this stage too will pass!

This Week’s Elephant Topic Expert: Susi Vasseur is the founder of HOW2! A coaching company that focuses its attention on empowering teenagers and their parents.  From an early age, Susi discovered her preference for working with young people.  She is the mother of two successful young adults, a private remedial tutor, and brings over 20 years experience working with teens in recreation, public and alternate school settings and mentorship. Susi is a trained Parent and Teen Coach from the Academy for Family Coach Training.  It is her passion to make a difference for the youth of today and the adults who support them. Find out more about Susi’s work at www.heartsopeningwide.ca

photo: C.G.P. Grey

Imagine you’re sitting with your spouse on the sofa, watching a movie. It’s 9:30 pm. Suddenly you hear little little footsteps coming down the hallway accompanied by sobs. Your heart pounds as you hear “Mommy, I can’t sleep! I’m so worried!”

Bryan and I experienced this the night before school started. Our son came upstairs with a list he’d written of all the things he was worried about.

Our son loves to chat about Star Wars and Lego 98% of the time – we didn’t think he worried about anything. So we turned off the movie and gave him our full attention as he read out his list.

As a mom, my heart broke at some of the things he had written down and at the same time I was SO excited that he was talking to us about them!

Some of the items on his list were being called names by his friends, letter grades (he started grade 4 this year), and how to earn more money for all the Lego he wants to buy.

We had a wonderful conversation about choices, behaviours, opportunities, and other stuff. Stuff that I thought had gone in one ear and out the other in the past. Turns out kids do listen!

I remember my mom telling me when our son was born to always treat all kids’ problems and challenges with respect – no matter how small they may seem to me. I practiced this even with the tiny problems my kids would bring up. Looking back I wasn’t always super patient – but I did my best.

So I was so proud of our son for talking so openly about his worries. And I was so grateful that, even though I sometimes felt like a broken record, our open and clear communication at home had created a safe space for our son to share.

Practicing communication really works – no matter how old your kids are. So keep talking and listening. These are skills your kids will use forever.

photo by elycefeliz

I was watching a video this morning by John Assaraf in which he talks about his recent goal to drop 25 lbs.  In this video he uses the term “excusitis” – in other words, making excuses for not achieving a goal we want.  John said that besides getting rid of all excuses he also set a clear goal and visualized achieving that goal.

John’s comments led me to ask myself if I too have excusitis because there are some goals I haven’t achieved.  As someone who works with women to assist them to release what’s holding them back from the happy life and happy family they want, I can smell an excuse a mile away!  And I don’t allow clients to get away with excuses and I encourage them to take actions every day towards what they want. 

I realized that what’s been standing in my own way of some of my goals is that I haven’t visualized them clearly enough.  Not only that, I haven’t written them all down. 

Some goals, the ones that are well within my own control to achieve, I can easily visualize and take action on.  Like the renovation of our new Fresh Perspective Family office.  I set the goal, saw it completed, and it’s done!

The bigger goals though, those are the ones I can’t visualize or write down.  I still take action on them, but it’s not always focused action and so it’s not really possible for me to measure how close I’m getting or not getting to the goal.

So what is it about the big goals and my inability to write them down or visualize them?  Because I’ve tried and I just sabotage myself every time in different ways.  I’ve nailed it down to fear of lack of control for sure.  I’ve also started to catch the language I use when I talk or think about those big goals.  My language really tells me I don’t fully believe I can achieve them…so why bother writing them down or visualizing them.  It’s easier just to take actions that lead me “somewhere in the vicinity of the goal” because then I can at least feel good that I’m doing something. 

If I were my own coach I would have had a big talking to with myself.  And that’s exactly what I’ve done.  I’m watching what my language and my emotions tell me about my beliefs around control, success, big acheivements, and even failure.  I’m excited to observe this process as much as I am excited to take myself through it.  It’s easy for me to take clients through NLP, Hypnosis, and Time Empowerment® and I plan on being a good client. 

I deserve to reach the big, mountainous goals too!  And I’m willing to face that Inner Control Freak once again and break through the barriers to being a more confident me, a more loving mom, a more successful business person, and all the other ways in which I will come closer to who I am in my heart.

I will keep you posted on my progress and successes.

Photos by: melodysheep