Parents have tantrums too. I recently found myself in an argument with my daughter – except that it was more like a tantrum. And I was the one having the tantrum! Oddly enough, as I was being so impatient with her I found myself thinking “What am I doing? Aren’t I the adult?”

Emotions can be like that – we just feel them as if by instinct and don’t even realize it until we’re in the throes of an argument. I’ve cultivated self awareness for many years and I was grateful that I realized what I was feeling. I felt that my daughter wasn’t focused enough and not doing things fast enough because I had things to do. The question for me was what was the cause of these strong emotions?

I used a Parts Integration process that I often use with clients to uncover the cause of this angry part of myself that was being triggered by these situations with my daughter. I discovered that my emotions had really nothing to do with her and everything to do with my own boundaries. Actually the lack of them.

We all have boundaries in our life to keep us organized and functioning. As I build my practice I realized that I didn’t have a clear boundary defining client time and family time. As much as my clients and my business are very important to me – so are my children. In fact, my children are the most important to me but I wasn’t setting up my time in a way that allowed me to spend quality time with them.

The universe’s frying pan strikes again! I had been told by my business coach and other sources that I need to structure my business to work for me. I could have made more balanced work hours and then I would not have had this meltdown with my daughter. Instead, I had structured my business to monopolize me and this caused me to freak out at my kids when it seemed like their needs took up too much work time. I am definitely not proud of this.

The great things with boundaries is that they can be re-evaluated and changed at any time. I was able to uncover the root cause of my emotions and take action to create more balance in my life. It felt great to prioritize my children and I was grateful for the universe’s frying pan. I’m also committed to noticing clues that my boundaries are out of alignment before I need to be smacked by the frying pan again.

What’s the most common answer to any question? I’ll give you a hint – it’s 3 words.

(ok, I’ll give you the answer: it’s “I don’t know.”)

Have you ever said these 3 words to yourself in frustration?

Have your partner or kids ever said these words to you?

Is this the answer you automatically think of when a challenging question comes up?

What’s the result of this in your life?

Have you ever found yourself seeking answers in your life and the answers just didn’t come to you? Those three words – I Don’t Know – create a self fulfilling prophecy for us if we use them repeatedly.

How?

Researchers have found that our Unconscious Mind is the age of a 5-7 year old child. For those of you who know 5-7 year olds – they are very literal and need clear instructions to follow. They don’t understand sarcasm or oxymorons.

This is exactly how your Unconscious Mind is too. So when you repeatedly tell yourself “I don’t know” you’re telling your Unconscious Mind not to know – to not even bother trying to know. So it stops helping you figure out answers. It stops supporting you in the decisions you make – you get stuck in “I don’t knowness.”

Jack Canfield, one of the Chicken Soup For The Soul authors says you always have to know what you want - even the simplest stuff like what color of soap to buy. Why? It’s not to be nitpicky and petty. It’s to practice with small choices so that when it comes to making big choices you can do it more easily and with conviction. When you always know what you want you avoid the “I don’t know” curse more easily.

My clients tend to use “I don’t know” as their default answer when we first begin working together – I do ask some pretty tough questions. I ask these questions because my job is to assist clients in figuring out what’s holding them back. If all I get is “I don’t know” then I ask “If you did know, what would the answer be?”

If they still repeatedly say “I don’t know” I give them The Talk. Saying I don’t know is a cop out! It is! The reason you’re in the circumstances you’re in – whether it’s your health, family issues, relationship or love life issues, or whatever you don’t like right now – is because you’ve told yourself You Don’t Know! You haven’t put any energy into knowing or wanting to know because it’s easier just to Not Know. I get that. But don’t you get so frustrated when you ask your kids something and they say “I don’t know?” Or when your partner says “I don’t know” when you ask them what they want to do/eat/or do whatever?

Why is it important to stop using I Don’t Know as a default in your life?

Saying “I Don’t Know” is an easy answer but if you want a better life for yourself and your kids then who do you think has to know what that life looks/feels/sounds like if not you?

Do you expect there to be a “I Know All” genie who will appear and tell you what to do? What to feel?

I wish!

And if your kids hear you use these three words all the time – they will use them too. They will learn to not know what they want too.

So how do you break this curse?

You will not always know the answer – this isn’t about being omniscient. It’s ok to not know some things – it matters how you approach not knowing.

1. You forgive yourself for not knowing up until now.
2. Change your language and your thoughts to “I haven’t known up until now, and if I were to figure this out, I would…..” insert new way of being that you want to be.

You will be amazed over time how your mind and the universe just step up to the plate to support you and guide you.

Sometimes I find with kids it’s “cool” to just be aloof and pretent they don’t know. Don’t let them get away with it. It’s self respect to know what you want. Always. Because if you don’t know what you want you will fall for anything that anyone else wants. We don’t want that for our kids.

So gently guide yourself and your kids to make choices – always. Ask – I know you don’t know but if you did, what would your answer be? This may be annoying at first – especially to your kids, – but they will be grateful that they always had the choice to make up their mind on stuff. And it will serve them well in life to have this skill.

Have you ever gone to the store with your child only to have said child throw a spectacular meltdown in the aisle? Or have you experienced that scenario one too many times and now refuse to go anywhere near a store with your child?

A mom recently told me about how this used to happen to her and what she changed to make it stop!

This scenario usually happens because your child wants something and your answer is “not this time” or “not right now” or some variation. The child gets frustrated because she can’t have what she wants and expresses her emotions by crying or yelling so that hopefully you will give in.

So how do you avoid a situation like this without getting frustrated at your kids? The first thing you need to do is understand a bit about your child’s brain. The second thing you need to do is some preparation.

1.  Children don’t have their rational and logical brain function developed. This part of the human brain doesn’t begin to develop until the age of about 15. A child also doesn’t fully understand the concept of time and so your answers “not this time” or “not right now” are very vague. These answers mean nothing to kids other than it’s not the “yes” they wanted to hear from you.  So they continue to ask you every time you go to the store because they don’t know if this time your answer will be “yes, this time” or “yes, right now.” You get frustrated by their constant asking and they get frustrated by your vague responses.
2.  The preparation you need to do is simply having an answer for your child that makes sense to them and is age appropriate and that you’re comfortable with. Remember, you’re playing the part of logic and reasoning for your kids, so make sure that whatever you say to them is specific and makes sense at their age. This will depend on what they are asking for and what store you are in.

For example:

•  If it’s a toy and they already have three of the same kind, say “You already have three of those and you can play with them when we get home. We will not buy any more of the same toy.
• You could also tell your kids when and where you are prepared to buy a certain item: “We will buy those when we do our back to school shopping in July.”
• Or you can tell your child that they can put a certain item on their birthday, Christmas, or other list of gifts that they want.
• You can also suggest to them that they can save up their allowance or money they earn from chores to buy the item themselves.

Responses such as these will not only teach your children about how money works, how to budget money, and how they can be responsible for the things they want, but also patience. These are life skills that are invaluable for all ages, adults included. And once your children learn that your responses are logical and that they can be in control of the situation to a certain degree, they will behave themselves. This will give you, the parent, the ability to behave too.

 Imagine… no more frustrating bickering matches in the aisles…getting complimented by complete strangers about how well behaved your children are….and knowing that you’re teaching your kids important reasoning skills that they will be able to use throughout life.

I know I’m getting better and better all the time.  And I know I’m for SURE better than I used to be.  My spiritual practices are paying off and allowing me to pay it forward.

With the kids being home from school during the summer we have a way different schedule.  My husband has been working super ealy morning shifts so that we can have our evenings together as a family.  (Before he would get home after the kids were in bed. )  So his getting up at 3 am to be at work for 5 is making things interesting for sure.  The kids stay up late and still get up early and so emotions can run high sometimes.

Here’s the cool part – I’m calm!!  Yes, I get frazzled but it’s not as blow-my-lid frazzled as I used to get.  I’m 99 % more calm than frazzled.

Before, I would just let others’ energy affect me pretty much instantly.  I would take a bite out of their problem and feel whatever they were feeling – even though it wasn’t my stuff.  Now I can leave others’ stuff alone and feel what I want to feel instead of being sucked in.

This afternoon my daughter had a spectacular melt down over an activity book that she’s been working on.  I was pleasantly observing my interaciton with her and noticing how different my response was compared to when I used to just go straight into emotional reaction.

I’ve become very aware of my own emotional state in every moment. It’s very liberating and exciting for me.  I’m especially excited that I can now model how to respond instead of reacting for the kids.  Emotions are great – don’t get me wrong.  But in many situations a calm response is so much more effective than a freak out.

Perfection…seems like such a…well…perfect thing to strive for, doesn’t it?  So many of us have gotten caught up in wanting to reach it and have felt inadequate and far away even when we try really hard.

And moms tend to be the best at trying hard – and falling down even harder.  Perfection makes us feel like we’re not good enough and like we will never be as happy as we could be.  Because that green, harmonious, and perfect family life is always on the other side of the perfect fence.

Perfectionism can also cause us to procrastinate.  Truly, how can you ever finish something if you’re waiting for it to be absolutely perfect?  It’s really a no-win situation – especially when we hear our children one day say “I’m not good enough” or “I can’t get it perfect.”

Guess what, perfection is a learned attitude and parents are their kids’ greatest teachers.  So what can parents do to ensure kids don’t learn this self defeating attitude?

One way is to focus on excelllence.  Yes. Simple excellence. 

In fact, how do you feel about settling for excellence instead?  Settling for anything can make you feeli uncomfortable, but excellence is a way better choice to settle for than perfection.  For example, take a look at any survey with a scale of experience…1 being poor and 5 (or 10) being excellent.  It never says perfect. 

When you label yourself as a perfectionist you have a great excuse for not starting a project or not finishing one.  Ask yourself how is this label serving you and supporting what you want to accomplish in your life.  Sell your perfectionism and purchase excellence and you’ll be amazed at how different the world will be.

AND, you can feel good about what you’re teaching your kids too.  You and your children will be a lot happier understanding that perfection is a fleeting state and puts you under a lot of pressure.  Excellence can be easily attained and is just as good.

This July Long Weekend was our first camping trip of the year.  We loaded up our sedan and headed north to Squamish for 3 days.  The weather was clearing up and we were all very excited about spending some time doing some de-stressing and relaxing. 

I have a theory on stress especially after this weekend.  It needs to be processed and nothing processes it like the clean and renewing energy of nature, next to Time Empowerment Techniques, of course.  We spent a lot of time walking around and playing ball and frisbee – and staying out of each others way! 

It’s been a long winter and really not much of a spring so we’ve spent more time in doors than we’re used to as a family.  On this trip we found ourselves excited, eating smores and chips (and some veggies), and staying up late around the camp fire, and so a few arguments came up here and there on day 1. 

Day 2 was better and we enjoyed more ball games and less arguing.  But it wasn’t until Day 3 that we all really relaxed and truly had fun.  I started thinking about it because holidays are supposed to be relaxing the whole way through, aren’t they?  That’s what I thought until now. 

There is a book by Gregg Braden called Earthing where the author talks about our connection to nature and recharging our batteries by being in direct contact with nature.  Dr Wayne Dyer also talks about this in his work.  He says walking around barefoot helps to restore our internal balance and helps us sleep better, for example.   I practice this after a long day and feel so much better but I know I don’t practice it enough. 

After 3 days spent in nature all of the stress that had built up over time was finally coming out of all of us – at the same time.  I think this is why we were all on edge for the first little while.  We’re a calm family and so to experience this onslaught of energy being released was interesting and we weren’t used to it.  I felt bad about it at first because I do a lot of emotional releases and keep myself calm and balanced.  Then I realized that although my processes and practices are fantastic and work very well, nature has it’s own way of helping us return to balance a lot faster.  There are many ways to eat an elephant.

On the last day it clouded over and they were calling for rain all night and the next day.  We decided to pack up while our gear was still dry and go home.  I’m glad we did because we all got an awesome night’s sleep at home that night and had a lovely Sunday riding our bicycles at Iona Beach. 

I am positive that the next camping trip in August will be different and that we will return to calm a lot faster.  The summer weather has finally arrived and we’ll be doing a lot of out doorsy stuff and letting nature pull stress out of us at the same time.

I was at a training this past week that was all about the Power in You (Do Yourself a Favor  right now and go to one of their FREE evening courses. YOUR life will never be the same again). 

Now I’m a person who works on myself all the time. I am aware of what I think and say to myself – at least as much as I can get out of my own head.  I would consider myself to be very self observant.  I also know that I don’t know everything and so I went into this training with an open mind and ready to soak it all in.

I wasn’t disappointed.  In fact, I was blown away at how much I grew during three short days and how I FELT afterwards.  This wasn’t one of those “ra ra – feel good” sessions that fizzles out after a few days.  It was absolutely life changing and allowed me to face and let go of some deep stuff. 

“Stuff” is a great technical term for all those things we carry around that stand in our own way.

I realized that The Law of Attraction works.  In fact it works so well that it’s incredible!  And the key to it is emotion.  Yes, emotion.  Knowing what you want is important too – but not as important as emotion.  The universe and your Unconscious Mind don’t care about what you want to attract – they only care about how you feel about it.  Good or bad feelings – the predominant will always win.  Let me explain.

I have an interesting life story – we all do, in fact, but I will use my own as an example.  Throughout my life I learned how to see the world, how to feel about things, how to behave in different circumstances, how to focus on things, and other “stuff.”  Now I want to be exceedingly clear that everything in life happens for a reason and I do not blame my past or anyone in it for where I am today.  Not anymore.  I used to, but that’s another post. 

Some things in my life work for me and others don’t.  In some areas of my life I attract exactly what I want and in others I struggle.  In fact, I don’t even feel very good about some areas of my life.  I don’t really know what I want but I feel bad about not having it.  These bad feelings keep attracting more of what I don’t want.  I realized that I even felt bad about wanting something different in such areas as my health and my career, and so I kept attracting more of what made me feel bad.  Whereas in my immediate family, I aways felt good about my relationship with my husband and now with my kids, and so my family life is fantastic!

So the point is that if you know what you want and you feel good about it you will get more of what you want. 

If you don’t know what you want and you feel bad about what you do have, you will keep attracting more of what you have.

If you do know what you want but you’re not emotionally attached to it, you will keep attracting more of what you have.

How do we get emotionally attached to what we want?  We have to know what gives us meaning in our life.  I’m so grateful that I know how to let past negative emotions and limiting beliefs go easily and quickly because I can now focus more on what I want.  And I can feel what I want which means that I am activating the Law Of Attraction to bring me closer to my dreams. 

So if you want to prove to yourself that the Law Of Attraction works, just keep thinking what you’re thinking and feeling what you’re feeling, and you’ll get more of what you’re getting. 

I feel like I made a quantum leap in my mindset during this course I just took and I am going to share it with the world.  I can now feel what it’s like to dream big and believe that I can achieve that dream!

FOR REAL! The Power in You is life changing!

Kasia Rachfall helps you stop letting your past to determine your future and your now. Did the above resonate with you? Do you disagree? Do you have a new insight to add? Please share your thoughts.

You realize that the results you’ve been getting have plateau’d. You’ve tried and tried and you feel like you’ve really put your best self into it and yet your expectations aren’t being met.  Whether it’s a job, a relationship, a fitness program, or your family life – you’re not alone in this frustration you’re feeling. 

 Why do we get stuck in ruts of “trying” and don’t get what we want?  Because that’s what we learned to do. 

 As a child you experienced life and were influenced by those around you.  You were imprinted with their ideas, values, beliefs, and attitudes.  You learned and formed beliefs about the world and how it works.  Once you learn to do things a certain way this information is stored in your unconscious mind and it becomes second nature to you.

 It works much the same way as learning a skill or trade.  Once you learned how to tie your shoes, you do it without thinking because it’s now unconscious knowledge for you.  It’s like having a software program running in your neurology for everything you know and do.

 Your mind is powerful because it holds everything you have ever learned and makes behaving and thinking easy for you by sticking to what you know.  The problems and struggles develop when the way you’ve always done something or the way you’ve thought about something no longer fits in your life. 

 One surefire way to get unstuck and stop trying is to get curious. Yes. Curious.  

Instead of blaming yourself, your spouse, kids, boss, other circumstances, or making up excuses get curious about what you can learn, change, improve, or tweak to continue getting the results you want.  Find the resources you need to help you figure out how to move beyond this struggle.

 You may be thinking, “Really? Curiosity? It’s too good to be true.  Is it really that simple?”  You bet!  When a child gets stuck solving a problem or building a puzzle, what do you tell that child?  You encourage them to try something new, to think differently, or you may give them a hint or clue – something that opens up their mind to a fresh perspective and allows them to solve the problem.

You’re already aware that something isn’t working in your life because your results aren’t showing up.  Now get curious about your experience of this struggle instead of getting angry, upset, or blaming something or someone. Curiosity is a big step towards resolving that struggle because it’s not about fault or blame, it’s about getting the results you want and deserve. 

When you’re curious about what’s going on without judgment, you leave space for new insights to come to you about what’s going on. Make a list of all the external and internal struggles you’re curious about in your life.  Write this list from a place of non-judgment or labelling these struggles as good or bad.  They are what they are and objective curiosity about their nature and purpose is all we want for now.  From there you can identify the resources you have and need and you will become aware of your next logical step.

Kasia Rachfall helps you stop letting your past to determine your future and your now. Did the above resonate with you? Do you disagree? Do you have a new insight to add? Please share your thoughts.

My brother and his wife welcomed their first child yesterday.  He arrived at a healthy 8 lbs 2 oz and with a full head of hair.  He’s quite possibly the handsomest little baby next to my own son (of course!).

We went to visit him (and the parents) at the hospital and as we all marvelled at how perfect he is, I started to think about what great things he will accomplish and who he will become in his life.  Babies have this ability to make us think of all the possibilities that exist for them.  He’s like a blank slate just waiting to have greatness and potential written on it.

As we grow older we tend to forget that we don’t actually lose that greatness and potential – ever!  We always have the ability to make our life into whatever we want.  But somewhere along the journey of our life we decide that we can’t do things or we can’t have things.  We become this product of our conditioning and life experience. 

A good friend and owner of Awakening Works once shared some guiding principles with me and they have become the cornerstones of my life and my business.

1. We are beings of Unlimited Possibilities with potential just waiting to be discovered – believe in yours.
2. Self Awareness and Self Understanding are what propels us to create positive change in our life
3. When we are committed to Excellence and make Conscious Choices every day we become masters of ourselves
4. Accountability and Self-Discipline create Momentum
5. Success and Happiness are always Psychological – when you change how you viewthe world, how you respond, and how you think you change your reality.

I encourage my kids and my clients to practice each of these until they become second nature.  My life has become richer and successful in all ways because of these ideas.

Kasia Rachfall helps you stop letting your past to determine your future and your now. Did the above resonate with you? Do you disagree? Do you have a new insight to add? Please share your thoughts.

I finally watched the Oprah finale and I bawled the whole time.  She inspired me and made me believe and this was the first show of hers that I’d ever seen.  We’ve never been a big TV watching family so we haven’t had cable for years.  My personal opinion is that most shows on TV are uninspiring to say the least, but I do wish I had been able to watch Oprah. 

Every night before I fall asleep I ask for clarity on issues or topics that I can’t resolve on my own.  Usually it’s Angels (yes, we all talk to Angels in our house) or my Spirit Guides who give me direction, last night, it was Oprah.  And here is what she said:

“You have to do one thing at a time because you’re scattered.  Find the meaningful and work on it until it’s completed.  You can work on the meaningful in many ways, just make sure it’s one thing at a time.”

This dream was so vivid that it almost didn’t seem like a dream.   I’m so grateful because those words helped me out a lot.  So I’ve made a list of all the projects that I will finish that I have on the go.  And even though for some reason I’ve resisted it, I will block off chunks of time to do my work until things are finished – no distractions.  I have my egg timer all ready to count time for me and I’ll keep you posted on how it’s going.  I’m excited to finish a bunch of stuff because lots of new projects are coming down the pipe.

Kasia Rachfall helps parents stop letting their past to determine their future and their now.  Did the above resonate with you? Do you disagree? Do you have a new insight to add?  Please share your thoughts.