The Christmas weekend is only 5 days away and I’ve experienced first hand how crazy this time of year can get. (that is of course if you let it)

Are you one of those people that tries to make everything absolutely “perfect?”.I put perfect in quotations because perfect is different for absolutely everyone. Do you take on more than you want to, because you feel you need to entertain ALL your friends and family at this time of year? Do you create more stress than you need to? Do you spend more money than you know you should? Do you decorate more than is necessary? ALL of these things have one thing in common, they take time and energy. If you are not fully LOVING all those activities you can generate a lot of really negative energy. And this energy can and will be felt by everyone around you.

Here is my take on it. Over time, Christmas has become the most commercialized holiday of the year. I personally do not agree with this thought process. A few gifts, fine. But really, I believe the gift purchasing has gotten out of hand and everyone worries that the person they are buying for will not like their gift, so you may buy a bigger or more expensive gift and on and on and on. (It’s Just Stuff)

I, unfortunately, have spent many a Christmas away from home due to work and have missed much of the family hoopla.  Crazy and weird it sounds, thought, I look forward to that every year. Michael Bublé put it best in his Christmas special last week when he said “Christmas is when we get together, put our petty differences aside and create new petty differences.” This made me laugh out loud, because seriously, this is true for many people.

NOW, it is more important than ever to slow down, take a step(or two) back and really look at what you have to appreciate this year. NOT the Stuff. Look at your relationship with your spouse, your kids, all your other family and friends and most importantly your relationship with yourself. Really look at the fun you have had this past year. Stay away from the negative stuff, it doesn’t matter right now. And please DO NOT subscribe to the craziness that people put on themselves and then they end up not enjoying and not really remembering the holiday season.

Merry Christmas and a Happy and Healthy New Year to all our readers.

Bryan Rachfall is the CEO of Fresh Perspective Works. His creativity and magical computer skills keep things rolling smoothly. He’s also an empowered dad and a true visionary that’s forging the path for parents around the world to empower their kids.

When I worked in corporate I had set hours: 8:30-4:30. I had to be there and fill the time in between with work or if there wasn’t enough work, I had to look busy. That “set hours” mentality has been tough to unlearn even though it’s been almost two years since I haven’t worked in corporate. It’s an old habit that has recently cropped up with mega stress for me!

As a business owner I can set my own hours and be as efficient or as laid back as I want. Of course the most logical thing for a business owner to do is to be efficient. My drive for efficiency was stressing me out! It’s been a big source of overwhelm for me because my to do list never really gets shorter. In fact, it just keeps growing.

One day Bryan said to me that I don’t have to stick to the usual corporate hours anymore – I work in my own business and I can set my hours! So why was I getting all stressed out? Indeed, why?

I had followed experts’ advice and put a pause on all extra activities while I was building my business foundation. The problem now was that I never hit play on those fun things again. I continued to deny myself fun times in the interest of efficiency and that darned to do list. This meant that because I wasn’t having any fun I wasn’t being any fun either.

I was snippy with the kids and with Bryan. I wasn’t present or mindful with them and I felt bad about it – but I couldn’t really put my finger on what my biggest source of stress was!

Then Christmas came around and I started reading some of my old craft magazines. I loved crafting and drawing and painting and sewing but I had put a pause on it! Well, it was time to unpause.

SO this past weekend I dug out a bunch of paints, paper, and other doodads and the kids and I made Christmas cards. And we had so much fun! I didn’t care about the mess or the glitter that even ended up on our cats somehow. I just lost myself in the fun of creating again.

I got this cool book from a new friend named Violette who is a great artist lives in a magical cottage in White Rock. She told me that art saved her life and she wrote this book called Journal Bliss. Now I was rediscovering how art was putting fun back into my life.

The kids made amazing creations and my cards are pretty cool too. Now I am definitely going to make the time every day to doodle or draw something. It makes me happy. And it’s simply true that when Mama’s happy so is the rest of the family. I have more patience and I feel more joyous around my family. I’m sure they are glad to have a more fun mommy too!

Is there something that you have put a pause on that you want to go back to doing? Would it fill your soul to dive back into that activity?

I’d love to know what it is! Please share on my Facebook page or in the comments.

Here are some of our creations:

]]> http://www.freshperspectiveworks.com/2011/12/12/creative-stress-management/feed/ 3 http://www.freshperspectiveworks.com/2011/12/05/i-jumped-into-my-relationship-too-soon/ http://www.freshperspectiveworks.com/2011/12/05/i-jumped-into-my-relationship-too-soon/#comments Tue, 06 Dec 2011 00:08:50 +0000 Kasia http://www.freshperspectivefamily.com/?p=2522

Family Focus Friday: A revolutionary new Blog Talk Radio show for parents

The statistics facing families today are scary and getting scarier by the year, not getting better! Family empowerment expert, Kasia Rachfall and blended-families expert, Lisa Perry team up to discuss and provide deeper … insight into the issues families face today. This is a “no-fluff-zone – NOT your “what diapers to use” show. Lisa and Kasia take a frying pan approach towards dealing with the deeper underlying issues that make or break a family, no matter what kind of family you are. The topics are deep – but we won’t leave you hanging! Listen in and discover practical and sometimes amazingly easy strategies that you can use right away. You’ll be surprised at how even some of the toughest situations have the simplest ways out.

In this week’s episode:

Have you ever thought this about your relationship?? Do you feel that you were in love at the time and didn’t consider all the other things that go along with being with that erson long-term?

Often, people site this as an overall reason for separation and eventually divorce.

Kasia and Lisa will talk about the 4 main reasons why men and women tend to jump in to relationships too soon and what it all means when people do this – and the reasons might not be what you think they are!

If you find yourself in this situation – should you end it, should you work it out?

Listen in as they discuss options to tackle the underlying issues in a way that helps you meet your needs as a couple and to build a stronger and happier family.

The rides at Disneyland are so fun! And what I noticed about them is that getting to the ride is as much fun and exciting – if not more – than the ride itself. The Indiana Jones ride, for example, is so realistic! You get to walk through underground dungeons and pathways, creepy tombs, and jungle-like forests. Then you get in a jeep and it rattles you around for 45 seconds while you escape bandits and snakes. I actually came out of that ride feeling a little sick to my stomach from all the rattling around.

But I was really profoundly moved by the whole experience – and unexpectedly so. Here I was having crazy fun with the family and taking in all the surroundings and my unconscious mind was taking it all in at a whole other level. I realized that I really enjoyed having fun and that it wasn’t hard at all! I don’t know why I forgot to have fun in the first place.

Enjoying the “getting there” and not just the ride was only one of my realizations. After spending 6 hours drawing in the sand and playing in the waves at Laguna Beach I realized that fun can be so simple. It doesn’t require fancy anything really.

I really connected with the kids and with myself on our trip – and I had so been longing for more connection.

Now we are having conversations about how we keep that relaxation and fun at home. Sure I would love to move to the beach and spend the next two years sitting there and listening to the waves beat the shore. But I don’t believe that I should have to uproot everything just to relax and have fun. So we’re making a family plan for fun. I’m really excited!

I’m doing a Masters in Transpersonal Psychology right now and I get to study all things mind related. In my most recent class we are focusing on hypnosis. One of my classmates said she uses her unconscious mind as a personal assistant.  She gives her unconscious specific instructions about what she wants and when – for example, the outline for a paper or a project by next Friday – and then she just goes about her day.  When Friday comes around she simply sits down and allows the requested information to flow out of her.

I gave this lots of thought because I think it’s brilliant! What an incredible way to utilize the capabilities of our unconscious mind which is so much more powerful than our consciousness. I thought about whether I am using my own mind to its full potential. Am I giving it clear instructions for what I want? And more importantly, is it giving me what I want back?

The answer is a decisive yes and yes. I always get what I want from my mind BUT I realized – my focus is NOT where I want it.

I am very self aware and I take responsibility for what I create in my life. I also have this tendency to find fault with myself all the time. I look for the next limiting belief or emotion that is standing in my way. I have great rapport with my unconscious mind and I ask it to seek out and find what else I have to heal and release in my life. But this seems to leave me feeling like there is always something wrong with me – which there isn’t! And I want to feel good about myself.

Not to say that healing yourself isn’t a worthy endeavor. It is – but not if that’s all you’re focused on. I found that I don’t spend enough time being grateful for all the ways in which I am already great and excellent. Yes, I have “stuff” to work through. But I also have a lot to be proud of and a lot to appreciate.

So, as a change of focus exercise – I wrote a letter to my unconscious mind thanking it for always giving me all the information I ask for.  I am grateful for my mind always bringing up things for me to work on. Now, however, I want to focus on all my accomplishments, my capabilities, and all the things that I already do well. If there is something pressing to work through – I’m sure I will become aware of it and take care of it.

I invite you to take a look at what you focus on most and what you ask your mind to bring up for you. Is your focus where you want it? Are you grateful for who you are and what you’ve accomplished in your life? If not, you can shift this at any time. You simply have to be willing.

Image credit.

I read this quote from John Lennon this past week:

“When I was 5 years old my mother always told me happiness was the key to life. When I went to school they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down “happy.” They told me I didn’t understand the assignment. I told them they didn’t understand life.”

The first thought I had was…wow, I wish I had thought that way when I was a child! Because I remember those questions being asked of me and my answers back then were flight attendant and aeronautical engineer. I don’t remember ever thinking or being told that happiness was anything to strive for.

This doesn’t mean that I wasn’t a happy child. Simply that I grew up like many other children – expecting to go to school and get a job and make a living. Happiness wasn’t an expectation – more of a hope or a luxury.

Just imagine yourself as a young child being told that happiness is the key to life. How would your life be different now if you focused on living your life to fulfill your happiness over anything else? What would your responsibilities be? What choices would you have made differently? Perhaps you would have done everything the same – in that case, you really know what it means to be happy.

Not everyone knows happiness because they run through their lives expecting things outside themselves to bring them happiness. And their children learn to do the same. I know this because I know many people who do this. I used to look for happiness outside myself too – I still catch myself doing this sometimes.

So this quote inspired me to focus even more on being the type of person who is happy in life. And doing all the things that bring me happiness. And especially underlining the importance of happiness to my children. As much as I am a firm believer in being a contributing member of society and taking responsibility seriously – I am also believing more and more that you can do all these things and have incredible happiness in your life too.

How does John Lennon’s quote inspire you to live your life? You can share your comments on our Facebook page.

Ok, so the house cleaner coming led me to have a MAJOR control freak style meltdown. Trust me, I felt like I was crazy sitting in my office and meditating my insanity away, listening to the cleaners vacuum, dust, etc, upstairs

What had gotten me so riled up? It was my Inner Control Freak…just on a whole new, different and surprisingly deeper level. When I got home from dropping off the kids at school the cleaners were already there, busily doing their thing. I should have been grateful…instead, I was mortified when I saw that every light in the house was on.  They had loaded the 5 dishes in the sink into the dishwasher and were running it…75% empty! The scent of the supposedly “green” cleaning solution was overwhelmingly slamming itself into my nose.

Like I said. I freaked out inside. Why couldn’t I just feel grateful? Why?

I ran into my office, spread out my cobalt blue cloth, lit my candle, and meditated on my snazzy round meditating pillow.

I was pissed off at myself. How could I possibly be poking holes and scoffing at having my house cleaned for me!? Of all the indignant, ungrateful, dumb things to freak out about, I was freaking out about someone else cleaning my toilets and floors.

I decided being mad wouldn’t solve anything and so I dove headfirst into the anger, taking my control freak with me. I felt the anger fully and cried big tears. All I wanted to do was be grateful and yet here was this giant wall of out of control anger that was so big and so tall inside me!

Working through the layers of emotions I discovered that it originated from the part of me that wants to save the world and it’s precious resources. We recycle as much as possible and ensure that we do our best to conserve energy in all the ways we can at our house. So when I walked in and found all the lights on and the empty dishwasher running, this part of me went berserk.

As I continued to ask this part of me what was its highest intention I realized that it’s to lead others by example and with kindness and to help me save the world. As they say, you get more bees with honey than with vinegar. As I integrated this part into my being I calmed my control freak down and I felt gratitude.

And the solution became clear to me. I would simply speak to the cleaning company and ask them not to use the stinky cleaner. I’m happy to provide my Norwex cleaning paste instead. I would also ask them not to run the dishwasher if it’s not completely full…they can load it and just leave it for us to fill up and turn on. I would lead by example and perhaps, they would think twice before using up electricity in another home. And I realized that they needed the lights to finish the job and every light was turned off when they left.

I would not have been able to get to that place of clarity and gratitude if I had simply continued to rage and allow that control freak to reign over me. It’s what I used to do but now I’m wiser and have tools that work so much better and empower me and my family.

In the movie The Smurfs the main human character, Patrick, has a very demanding boss. She tells Patrick that she fired his predecessor because he gave her what she asked for – not what she wanted.  Patrick is perplexed when she goes on to say

“How am I supposed to know what to ask for when I don’t even know what I want?”

 I recently received an amazing gift to spend a lot more time with my family.  For the next several months we will have a house cleaner coming! This is what I’ve always wanted because if I didn’t have to spend time cleaning I could focus more on being happy with the kids! Yes, I’m excited and yes, I’m grateful…and…

 And I’m also faced with the uncomfortable feeling that I won’t have to fill all my time with DOING stuff. I’m good at doing stuff – I’m still practicing how to just have fun with the kids.

So I found myself questioning if I had really received something that I had wanted. You may be thinking I’m crazy that I’m even questioning this…a house cleaner is amazing! Yes, it is.

And it pushes me out of my comfort zone of doing and into the un-comfort zone of having a lot more fun and even being a bit lazy.

Everyone has a different comfort zone. Many moms settle for a comfort zone filled with so many responsibilities and “shoulds” and as a result, resentments. Yet when change and stepping out of that uncomfortable comfort zone is possible – moms can tend to think “No, I’m ok. It’s not too bad here and I’m ok.”

Once moms step out of that uncomfortable comfort zone and taste what it’s like to live how we really want, we can never go back. Conscious living is constantly redefining your comfort zone, even if it freaks you out a bit.

So if you find yourself in a place where you are asking for something...but you don’t really know if it’s what you want…start with knowing what you don’t want.

1. Write down all the things you don’t want first. Clear those out of your mind.
2. Then focus on what you do want…and make a list of those, stated in the positive.
3. Then go ahead and ask for those things!

Practice knowing and practice asking – your life will shift on a dime, you’ll see!

Image: hodgers

Mind reading is NOT an accurate way for moms to know what others are thinking. So it’s NOT an accurate way for others to know what moms are thinking, wanting or needing. Yet so many moms do it and expect others to do it too!

Just like in the first mistake (get your free report 5 Mistakes Moms Make) where moms assume their kids should know better, assuming that others know exactly what we want and need is not a good strategy!

Until the day telepathy is an everyday human skill, moms will have to verbally communicate our wants and needs so that everyone involved is clear and understands.

We all perceive the world differently because we all have different conditioning.

Our beliefs shape everything about us including our behaviours, emotional responses, expectations, and values. We cannot assume that anyone else in our life – not even those we love most – can know exactly how we perceive the world or what we need and want at any point in time. Our family may have a pretty good idea based on the past they share with us – but again, their perception is only as good as what we’ve communicated to them.

Everyone has their own set of subconscious filters through which they perceive the world. These filters delete, distort, and generalize those perceptions based on what you’ve been conditioned to focus on. It’s like having your very own windshield to look through at the world. As you live and grow this windshield gets smudged with negativity, other peoples ideas and expectations, and your experiences. And everyone has their own dirt on their own windshield.

And your kids’ windshields are being smudged and dirtied up by everything that they are exposed to.

So when you mind read that your partner, friend or coworker needs or wants something or is behaving a certain way, that’s only your perception of what’s going on. Their reality may be completely different than your perception. Until they clearly communicate to you what’s going on you cannot ever be certain just by observing the situation and mind reading.

Clear communication is a key to overcoming this mistake. If you don’t voice your needs, wants, or concerns then you cannot ever expect others to clearly know what’s going with you. This is why others may not always give you what they think you need – because they don’t know. They can only guess based on their own perceptions.

Communicate! It will change your life.

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image credit: deflam

The Elephant In The Room Series: Making the Uncomfortable Comfortable is a series of articles that bring you expert knowledge on uncomfortable topics that you may be avoiding.  Our intention is to bring light to these topics and make them more approachable to talk about.  Awareness, not avoidance, is the only way change for the better will take place within you, your family, your community and the world.

As a parent of a teen you can expect to have some of the most challenging talks in our child’s life. It goes with the territory as our teen is immersed in a developmental period which is rocky and unpredictable and is only starting to experiment with the ability to reason. Risky behaviour, drugs, alcohol, driving, curfews, and the dreaded sex talk are just a sample of what lies ahead.

Ironically this is the period of time that our communication with a teen often falls flat. Grunts, tirades, and moody withdrawal do not lend themselves to initiating a meaningful dialogue.  As parents we can become frustrated and fearful as our ability to control situations slips through our fingers. The discussions and issues will come; the topics will be wide and varied and often controversial.  To ready ourselves for this, we would be wise to heed the Boy Scout Motto “Be Prepared.”

Here are just a few recommendations to ease into this time:

1) Practice with the easy stuff.

Teach your teen how to have a conversation about daily activities by sharing stories of your daily events. Letting him in to your adult world where you share some of your goals, achievements or disappointments honours them as an individual. Encourage your teen to be a part of the conversation and listen to their contributions. Know that they may have a different perspective and be curious about it.  You are not required to agree but consider that fresh ideas are the seed from which new things grow.

2) Watch your reaction!

The issues teens experience and the daily decisions they make can be loaded with the potential for negative outcomes.   As a parent it is so important to remain calm, breathe, and curb the knee jerk reaction to yell or “freak out”. If they come to you to discuss something it’s because they feel safe in doing so. To ruin your chances of your teen coming to you again, let them know as loudly as possible how disappointed you are in them and comment at length on their stupidity in getting into this situation.

3) Be open

This is a good time to reflect back to our own teenage years and remember some of the antics you experienced.  Did you ever do or say something that got totally out of hand?  Did you ever jump into a situation without thinking it through? Did your parents punish or belittle you for what you did? Bring some of these memories to the current situation. This is another good time to remain calm.  When your anger or frustration levels are high your reasoning and intelligence levels are low. It might be a wise  to admit that you need some time to gather your thoughts. When ready, ask open ended questions to clarify:

• Tell me more about that.
• What happened then?
• What do you think will happen as a result of this?
• What do you think you should do now?

When your teen feels respected and listened to he will be able to move forward feeling supported and start the process of taking responsibility for his actions.  Keep in mind: you are not responsible for his behaviour. You are responsible for providing an environment and opportunity to learn and grow as your teen becomes an adult.

Challenging talks are an opportunity for growth.  Some will be positive and some will fall flat.  You are human and doing the best you can.  Remember: this stage too will pass!

This Week’s Elephant Topic Expert: Susi Vasseur is the founder of HOW2! A coaching company that focuses its attention on empowering teenagers and their parents.  From an early age, Susi discovered her preference for working with young people.  She is the mother of two successful young adults, a private remedial tutor, and brings over 20 years experience working with teens in recreation, public and alternate school settings and mentorship. Susi is a trained Parent and Teen Coach from the Academy for Family Coach Training.  It is her passion to make a difference for the youth of today and the adults who support them. Find out more about Susi’s work at www.heartsopeningwide.ca

photo: C.G.P. Grey