The Elephant In The Room Series: Making the Uncomfortable Comfortable is a series of articles that bring you expert knowledge on uncomfortable topics that you may be avoiding.  Our intention is to bring light to these topics and make them more approachable to talk about.  Awareness, not avoidance, is the only way change for the better will take place within you, your family, your community and the world.

As a parent of a teen you can expect to have some of the most challenging talks in our child’s life. It goes with the territory as our teen is immersed in a developmental period which is rocky and unpredictable and is only starting to experiment with the ability to reason. Risky behaviour, drugs, alcohol, driving, curfews, and the dreaded sex talk are just a sample of what lies ahead.

Ironically this is the period of time that our communication with a teen often falls flat. Grunts, tirades, and moody withdrawal do not lend themselves to initiating a meaningful dialogue.  As parents we can become frustrated and fearful as our ability to control situations slips through our fingers. The discussions and issues will come; the topics will be wide and varied and often controversial.  To ready ourselves for this, we would be wise to heed the Boy Scout Motto “Be Prepared.”

Here are just a few recommendations to ease into this time:

1) Practice with the easy stuff.

Teach your teen how to have a conversation about daily activities by sharing stories of your daily events. Letting him in to your adult world where you share some of your goals, achievements or disappointments honours them as an individual. Encourage your teen to be a part of the conversation and listen to their contributions. Know that they may have a different perspective and be curious about it.  You are not required to agree but consider that fresh ideas are the seed from which new things grow.

2) Watch your reaction!

The issues teens experience and the daily decisions they make can be loaded with the potential for negative outcomes.   As a parent it is so important to remain calm, breathe, and curb the knee jerk reaction to yell or “freak out”. If they come to you to discuss something it’s because they feel safe in doing so. To ruin your chances of your teen coming to you again, let them know as loudly as possible how disappointed you are in them and comment at length on their stupidity in getting into this situation.

3) Be open

This is a good time to reflect back to our own teenage years and remember some of the antics you experienced.  Did you ever do or say something that got totally out of hand?  Did you ever jump into a situation without thinking it through? Did your parents punish or belittle you for what you did? Bring some of these memories to the current situation. This is another good time to remain calm.  When your anger or frustration levels are high your reasoning and intelligence levels are low. It might be a wise  to admit that you need some time to gather your thoughts. When ready, ask open ended questions to clarify:

• Tell me more about that.
• What happened then?
• What do you think will happen as a result of this?
• What do you think you should do now?

When your teen feels respected and listened to he will be able to move forward feeling supported and start the process of taking responsibility for his actions.  Keep in mind: you are not responsible for his behaviour. You are responsible for providing an environment and opportunity to learn and grow as your teen becomes an adult.

Challenging talks are an opportunity for growth.  Some will be positive and some will fall flat.  You are human and doing the best you can.  Remember: this stage too will pass!

This Week’s Elephant Topic Expert: Susi Vasseur is the founder of HOW2! A coaching company that focuses its attention on empowering teenagers and their parents.  From an early age, Susi discovered her preference for working with young people.  She is the mother of two successful young adults, a private remedial tutor, and brings over 20 years experience working with teens in recreation, public and alternate school settings and mentorship. Susi is a trained Parent and Teen Coach from the Academy for Family Coach Training.  It is her passion to make a difference for the youth of today and the adults who support them. Find out more about Susi’s work at www.heartsopeningwide.ca

photo: C.G.P. Grey

Imagine you’re sitting with your spouse on the sofa, watching a movie. It’s 9:30 pm. Suddenly you hear little little footsteps coming down the hallway accompanied by sobs. Your heart pounds as you hear “Mommy, I can’t sleep! I’m so worried!”

Bryan and I experienced this the night before school started. Our son came upstairs with a list he’d written of all the things he was worried about.

Our son loves to chat about Star Wars and Lego 98% of the time – we didn’t think he worried about anything. So we turned off the movie and gave him our full attention as he read out his list.

As a mom, my heart broke at some of the things he had written down and at the same time I was SO excited that he was talking to us about them!

Some of the items on his list were being called names by his friends, letter grades (he started grade 4 this year), and how to earn more money for all the Lego he wants to buy.

We had a wonderful conversation about choices, behaviours, opportunities, and other stuff. Stuff that I thought had gone in one ear and out the other in the past. Turns out kids do listen!

I remember my mom telling me when our son was born to always treat all kids’ problems and challenges with respect – no matter how small they may seem to me. I practiced this even with the tiny problems my kids would bring up. Looking back I wasn’t always super patient – but I did my best.

So I was so proud of our son for talking so openly about his worries. And I was so grateful that, even though I sometimes felt like a broken record, our open and clear communication at home had created a safe space for our son to share.

Practicing communication really works – no matter how old your kids are. So keep talking and listening. These are skills your kids will use forever.

photo by elycefeliz

I was watching a video this morning by John Assaraf in which he talks about his recent goal to drop 25 lbs.  In this video he uses the term “excusitis” – in other words, making excuses for not achieving a goal we want.  John said that besides getting rid of all excuses he also set a clear goal and visualized achieving that goal.

John’s comments led me to ask myself if I too have excusitis because there are some goals I haven’t achieved.  As someone who works with women to assist them to release what’s holding them back from the happy life and happy family they want, I can smell an excuse a mile away!  And I don’t allow clients to get away with excuses and I encourage them to take actions every day towards what they want. 

I realized that what’s been standing in my own way of some of my goals is that I haven’t visualized them clearly enough.  Not only that, I haven’t written them all down. 

Some goals, the ones that are well within my own control to achieve, I can easily visualize and take action on.  Like the renovation of our new Fresh Perspective Family office.  I set the goal, saw it completed, and it’s done!

The bigger goals though, those are the ones I can’t visualize or write down.  I still take action on them, but it’s not always focused action and so it’s not really possible for me to measure how close I’m getting or not getting to the goal.

So what is it about the big goals and my inability to write them down or visualize them?  Because I’ve tried and I just sabotage myself every time in different ways.  I’ve nailed it down to fear of lack of control for sure.  I’ve also started to catch the language I use when I talk or think about those big goals.  My language really tells me I don’t fully believe I can achieve them…so why bother writing them down or visualizing them.  It’s easier just to take actions that lead me “somewhere in the vicinity of the goal” because then I can at least feel good that I’m doing something. 

If I were my own coach I would have had a big talking to with myself.  And that’s exactly what I’ve done.  I’m watching what my language and my emotions tell me about my beliefs around control, success, big acheivements, and even failure.  I’m excited to observe this process as much as I am excited to take myself through it.  It’s easy for me to take clients through NLP, Hypnosis, and Time Empowerment® and I plan on being a good client. 

I deserve to reach the big, mountainous goals too!  And I’m willing to face that Inner Control Freak once again and break through the barriers to being a more confident me, a more loving mom, a more successful business person, and all the other ways in which I will come closer to who I am in my heart.

I will keep you posted on my progress and successes.

Photos by: melodysheep

Parents have tantrums too. I recently found myself in an argument with my daughter – except that it was more like a tantrum. And I was the one having the tantrum! Oddly enough, as I was being so impatient with her I found myself thinking “What am I doing? Aren’t I the adult?”

Emotions can be like that – we just feel them as if by instinct and don’t even realize it until we’re in the throes of an argument. I’ve cultivated self awareness for many years and I was grateful that I realized what I was feeling. I felt that my daughter wasn’t focused enough and not doing things fast enough because I had things to do. The question for me was what was the cause of these strong emotions?

I used a Parts Integration process that I often use with clients to uncover the cause of this angry part of myself that was being triggered by these situations with my daughter. I discovered that my emotions had really nothing to do with her and everything to do with my own boundaries. Actually the lack of them.

We all have boundaries in our life to keep us organized and functioning. As I build my practice I realized that I didn’t have a clear boundary defining client time and family time. As much as my clients and my business are very important to me – so are my children. In fact, my children are the most important to me but I wasn’t setting up my time in a way that allowed me to spend quality time with them.

The universe’s frying pan strikes again! I had been told by my business coach and other sources that I need to structure my business to work for me. I could have made more balanced work hours and then I would not have had this meltdown with my daughter. Instead, I had structured my business to monopolize me and this caused me to freak out at my kids when it seemed like their needs took up too much work time. I am definitely not proud of this.

The great things with boundaries is that they can be re-evaluated and changed at any time. I was able to uncover the root cause of my emotions and take action to create more balance in my life. It felt great to prioritize my children and I was grateful for the universe’s frying pan. I’m also committed to noticing clues that my boundaries are out of alignment before I need to be smacked by the frying pan again.

Have you ever thought to yourself or said to your child “you should know better!”

You’re not the only one and it’s easy to assume that our kids should know better because we spend so much time teaching them to know.  But as adults we have the benefit of a rational and logical, mature brain.  They don’t.

We repeat to our kids the things we want them to do, how we want them to behave, and yet they keep either misbehaving or doing something completely opposite to what we want.  We think they should know better – we even tell them they should know better, but why don’t they?

Part of the human brain comes pre-wired with instinctual responses such as the fight or flight response.  This part makes sure we remain safe and protected at all times.  These instinctual responses cannot be unplugged or eliminated in any way.  On the other hand, all beliefs, behaviours, attitudes, and emotional reactions are learned from the information that comes in through our senses.   This information originates from all the people and events that we experience in our life.

The human brain also has a second part that forms our logical and reasoning.  This part doesn’t actually start to mature until we are in our mid teens.  So as kids, we process all information through the lens of instinctual protection that’s hard wired into us.

So we expect children to know better but their brain doesn’t really work that way.

Scientists say that it takes an adult 21-28 days to form a new habit (that is if willpower doesn’t derail us first).  Adults have their rational brain matured and still have trouble learning to do things the new way.  How can we expect a child to know better?

Children learn mainly by modeling what we do and not by listening to what we say.  So if we speak to them about doing something one way, and yet our own behaviour is completely different, the child will be very confused and will most likely follow what we do – not what we say.

For example, if a mom tells the child not to speak a certain way about others and then gossips on the phone to her friend, the child will learn to do as the mother does, not as she says.

Of course children also must find their own place in the world and will misbehave and push our boundaries as a natural part of their growth and development.  But they are more apt to turn out as responsible, ethical and authentic adults if we don’t just assume they know better and be good role models.

As a parent you have to examine your own behaviour in an honest way if you’re having difficulty with your child. Remember, you are the source of it.

“A year from now you may wish you had started today.” ~Karen Lamb

I just love this quote and wanted to share it with you all.  So often we get caught up in worrying about how long something will take us before we finish it – that we don’t even start. 

I was speaking to a woman once who was almost 40 and worked in an industry she didn’t love anymore.  She had always wanted to go into nursing, but every time she had wanted to sign up for nursing courses she would follow that exact train of thought: “It will be 4 years before I’m done nursing school, by then I will be 30 years old and….(insert reason for not doing it here)”

She told me she had talked herself out of nursing school 3 times now and in hindsight, regretted it.  Because when she would soon reach the age of 40 and she realized that those 4 years of school would have been nothing compared to still working in an industry she didn’t love.  And now at 40 it would be so much harder to go back to school…wouldn’t it?  And the inner critic drones on and on.

It’s funny how we don’t question that our children have to go to school for so many years.  We encourage them and we cheer them on to try different things and learn new things but as soon as we’re a certain age we decide that we’re too old to learn.  There is no rule anywhere that says “By age ___ you’re too OLD to try new things.”

This quote by Karen Lamb reminds me that I’m never too old to start anything and that regret is a high price to pay for procrastination and reasons for not starting something. 

So what if we change careers fifteen times in our life? 

So what if we change cars every year or rearrange the furniture every month? 

So what if we move around the world every few years to start over?

As long as our soul is living it’s purpose and we’re adding value to our own life and the life of others – especially our children – then we will never regret what we do.

What’s the most common answer to any question? I’ll give you a hint – it’s 3 words.

(ok, I’ll give you the answer: it’s “I don’t know.”)

Have you ever said these 3 words to yourself in frustration?

Have your partner or kids ever said these words to you?

Is this the answer you automatically think of when a challenging question comes up?

What’s the result of this in your life?

Have you ever found yourself seeking answers in your life and the answers just didn’t come to you? Those three words – I Don’t Know – create a self fulfilling prophecy for us if we use them repeatedly.

How?

Researchers have found that our Unconscious Mind is the age of a 5-7 year old child. For those of you who know 5-7 year olds – they are very literal and need clear instructions to follow. They don’t understand sarcasm or oxymorons.

This is exactly how your Unconscious Mind is too. So when you repeatedly tell yourself “I don’t know” you’re telling your Unconscious Mind not to know – to not even bother trying to know. So it stops helping you figure out answers. It stops supporting you in the decisions you make – you get stuck in “I don’t knowness.”

Jack Canfield, one of the Chicken Soup For The Soul authors says you always have to know what you want - even the simplest stuff like what color of soap to buy. Why? It’s not to be nitpicky and petty. It’s to practice with small choices so that when it comes to making big choices you can do it more easily and with conviction. When you always know what you want you avoid the “I don’t know” curse more easily.

My clients tend to use “I don’t know” as their default answer when we first begin working together – I do ask some pretty tough questions. I ask these questions because my job is to assist clients in figuring out what’s holding them back. If all I get is “I don’t know” then I ask “If you did know, what would the answer be?”

If they still repeatedly say “I don’t know” I give them The Talk. Saying I don’t know is a cop out! It is! The reason you’re in the circumstances you’re in – whether it’s your health, family issues, relationship or love life issues, or whatever you don’t like right now – is because you’ve told yourself You Don’t Know! You haven’t put any energy into knowing or wanting to know because it’s easier just to Not Know. I get that. But don’t you get so frustrated when you ask your kids something and they say “I don’t know?” Or when your partner says “I don’t know” when you ask them what they want to do/eat/or do whatever?

Why is it important to stop using I Don’t Know as a default in your life?

Saying “I Don’t Know” is an easy answer but if you want a better life for yourself and your kids then who do you think has to know what that life looks/feels/sounds like if not you?

Do you expect there to be a “I Know All” genie who will appear and tell you what to do? What to feel?

I wish!

And if your kids hear you use these three words all the time – they will use them too. They will learn to not know what they want too.

So how do you break this curse?

You will not always know the answer – this isn’t about being omniscient. It’s ok to not know some things – it matters how you approach not knowing.

1. You forgive yourself for not knowing up until now.
2. Change your language and your thoughts to “I haven’t known up until now, and if I were to figure this out, I would…..” insert new way of being that you want to be.

You will be amazed over time how your mind and the universe just step up to the plate to support you and guide you.

Sometimes I find with kids it’s “cool” to just be aloof and pretent they don’t know. Don’t let them get away with it. It’s self respect to know what you want. Always. Because if you don’t know what you want you will fall for anything that anyone else wants. We don’t want that for our kids.

So gently guide yourself and your kids to make choices – always. Ask – I know you don’t know but if you did, what would your answer be? This may be annoying at first – especially to your kids, – but they will be grateful that they always had the choice to make up their mind on stuff. And it will serve them well in life to have this skill.

So I’ve come out of the closet that I’m a spiritual mom.  I embrace the fact that I can feel energy and I work with Angels and I do remote healings with people.  I have this sense of calm about things and I can stay cool as a cucumber in most situations – KEY word – MOST.

When do I not stay calm?  When I’m battling for turf with yeast and ego!

Let me explain…

My husband and I are both battling Candida – no, it’s not anything related to candy.  It’s not nearly as much fun as candy.  In fact, it has turned my life upside down!  Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually.

Candida is a yeast that normally lives in human beings.  If you have ever had antibiotics, surgery, pregnancy, or any other experience that unbalanced the microflora in your gut in any way, and didn’t replenish the good microflora sufficiently- the Candida can rapidly overtake your system and wreak havoc!  This havoc can include poor memory, weight loss or gain, adrenal issues including thyroid, low libido, emotional ups/downs, intolerance to foods or smells, and the list goes on and on and on!

This is where Bryan and I found ourselves a while ago.  I’m glad it didn’t affect our kids.  I got a book on this issue and we’ve changed our whole diet to kill off this yeast naturally and replenish the good microflora.  Sounds simple, right?  It isn’t!

The new way of eating is fine.  We’re eating whole grains like quinoa and amaranth (so yummy!) and lots of vegetables.  We’ve cut out wheat and sugar – thank God for Stevia!  I just wasn’t prepared for the way this Candida yeast would fight back!

Our doctor, who is an MD and Natural Dr and Intuitive all in one person (cool, I know!), said that after 3-4 weeks of the physical detox occurs the emotional detox.  Emotions live in our body and as toxins and the dead Candida cells are released, so are the stored up emotions. 

Well, let me tell you, this emotional detox has been worse for me than any of the physical stuff.  I thought the PMS was bad before I discovered I had this condition – this feels SO much worse!

The saving grace for me is that I have developed calmness through my spiritual practices and I am very aware of how I feel.  For the most part I stay out of everyone’s way lately.  It’s just better for everyone.  I didn’t realize how emotionally draining it would be to go through this cleanse process and I started thinking there was truly something even more wrong with me…until I read about how our ego fights back when we’re on a spiritual journey.

The ego feels threatened because when we’re living from spirit and inspiration, we don’t need ego anymore.  We make decisions from the heart and not from the head.  So we feel great and calm and happy until the ego realizes that it’s being edged out and no longer needed – of course it’s going to fight!  Double whammy in my case! 

So as I’m starving the Candida in my physical body by not feeding it sugar or wheat anymore, I’m also apparently starving my ego by leading a more and more spiritual existence.  It’s interesting that they both had to fight back at the same time.  Seems I’m purging the physical and emotional stuff all in one shot.  I’m just grateful that this doesn’t last forever and I just have to stay focused on what I want – my health and calmness back. 

It’s on the horizon.

Have you ever gone to the store with your child only to have said child throw a spectacular meltdown in the aisle? Or have you experienced that scenario one too many times and now refuse to go anywhere near a store with your child?

A mom recently told me about how this used to happen to her and what she changed to make it stop!

This scenario usually happens because your child wants something and your answer is “not this time” or “not right now” or some variation. The child gets frustrated because she can’t have what she wants and expresses her emotions by crying or yelling so that hopefully you will give in.

So how do you avoid a situation like this without getting frustrated at your kids? The first thing you need to do is understand a bit about your child’s brain. The second thing you need to do is some preparation.

1.  Children don’t have their rational and logical brain function developed. This part of the human brain doesn’t begin to develop until the age of about 15. A child also doesn’t fully understand the concept of time and so your answers “not this time” or “not right now” are very vague. These answers mean nothing to kids other than it’s not the “yes” they wanted to hear from you.  So they continue to ask you every time you go to the store because they don’t know if this time your answer will be “yes, this time” or “yes, right now.” You get frustrated by their constant asking and they get frustrated by your vague responses.
2.  The preparation you need to do is simply having an answer for your child that makes sense to them and is age appropriate and that you’re comfortable with. Remember, you’re playing the part of logic and reasoning for your kids, so make sure that whatever you say to them is specific and makes sense at their age. This will depend on what they are asking for and what store you are in.

For example:

•  If it’s a toy and they already have three of the same kind, say “You already have three of those and you can play with them when we get home. We will not buy any more of the same toy.
• You could also tell your kids when and where you are prepared to buy a certain item: “We will buy those when we do our back to school shopping in July.”
• Or you can tell your child that they can put a certain item on their birthday, Christmas, or other list of gifts that they want.
• You can also suggest to them that they can save up their allowance or money they earn from chores to buy the item themselves.

Responses such as these will not only teach your children about how money works, how to budget money, and how they can be responsible for the things they want, but also patience. These are life skills that are invaluable for all ages, adults included. And once your children learn that your responses are logical and that they can be in control of the situation to a certain degree, they will behave themselves. This will give you, the parent, the ability to behave too.

 Imagine… no more frustrating bickering matches in the aisles…getting complimented by complete strangers about how well behaved your children are….and knowing that you’re teaching your kids important reasoning skills that they will be able to use throughout life.

I know I’m getting better and better all the time.  And I know I’m for SURE better than I used to be.  My spiritual practices are paying off and allowing me to pay it forward.

With the kids being home from school during the summer we have a way different schedule.  My husband has been working super ealy morning shifts so that we can have our evenings together as a family.  (Before he would get home after the kids were in bed. )  So his getting up at 3 am to be at work for 5 is making things interesting for sure.  The kids stay up late and still get up early and so emotions can run high sometimes.

Here’s the cool part – I’m calm!!  Yes, I get frazzled but it’s not as blow-my-lid frazzled as I used to get.  I’m 99 % more calm than frazzled.

Before, I would just let others’ energy affect me pretty much instantly.  I would take a bite out of their problem and feel whatever they were feeling – even though it wasn’t my stuff.  Now I can leave others’ stuff alone and feel what I want to feel instead of being sucked in.

This afternoon my daughter had a spectacular melt down over an activity book that she’s been working on.  I was pleasantly observing my interaciton with her and noticing how different my response was compared to when I used to just go straight into emotional reaction.

I’ve become very aware of my own emotional state in every moment. It’s very liberating and exciting for me.  I’m especially excited that I can now model how to respond instead of reacting for the kids.  Emotions are great – don’t get me wrong.  But in many situations a calm response is so much more effective than a freak out.