The rides at Disneyland are so fun! And what I noticed about them is that getting to the ride is as much fun and exciting – if not more – than the ride itself. The Indiana Jones ride, for example, is so realistic! You get to walk through underground dungeons and pathways, creepy tombs, and jungle-like forests. Then you get in a jeep and it rattles you around for 45 seconds while you escape bandits and snakes. I actually came out of that ride feeling a little sick to my stomach from all the rattling around.

But I was really profoundly moved by the whole experience – and unexpectedly so. Here I was having crazy fun with the family and taking in all the surroundings and my unconscious mind was taking it all in at a whole other level. I realized that I really enjoyed having fun and that it wasn’t hard at all! I don’t know why I forgot to have fun in the first place.

Enjoying the “getting there” and not just the ride was only one of my realizations. After spending 6 hours drawing in the sand and playing in the waves at Laguna Beach I realized that fun can be so simple. It doesn’t require fancy anything really.

I really connected with the kids and with myself on our trip – and I had so been longing for more connection.

Now we are having conversations about how we keep that relaxation and fun at home. Sure I would love to move to the beach and spend the next two years sitting there and listening to the waves beat the shore. But I don’t believe that I should have to uproot everything just to relax and have fun. So we’re making a family plan for fun. I’m really excited!

I read this quote from John Lennon this past week:

“When I was 5 years old my mother always told me happiness was the key to life. When I went to school they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down “happy.” They told me I didn’t understand the assignment. I told them they didn’t understand life.”

The first thought I had was…wow, I wish I had thought that way when I was a child! Because I remember those questions being asked of me and my answers back then were flight attendant and aeronautical engineer. I don’t remember ever thinking or being told that happiness was anything to strive for.

This doesn’t mean that I wasn’t a happy child. Simply that I grew up like many other children – expecting to go to school and get a job and make a living. Happiness wasn’t an expectation – more of a hope or a luxury.

Just imagine yourself as a young child being told that happiness is the key to life. How would your life be different now if you focused on living your life to fulfill your happiness over anything else? What would your responsibilities be? What choices would you have made differently? Perhaps you would have done everything the same – in that case, you really know what it means to be happy.

Not everyone knows happiness because they run through their lives expecting things outside themselves to bring them happiness. And their children learn to do the same. I know this because I know many people who do this. I used to look for happiness outside myself too – I still catch myself doing this sometimes.

So this quote inspired me to focus even more on being the type of person who is happy in life. And doing all the things that bring me happiness. And especially underlining the importance of happiness to my children. As much as I am a firm believer in being a contributing member of society and taking responsibility seriously – I am also believing more and more that you can do all these things and have incredible happiness in your life too.

How does John Lennon’s quote inspire you to live your life? You can share your comments on our Facebook page.

The Elephant In The Room Series: Making the Uncomfortable Comfortable is a series of articles that bring you expert knowledge on uncomfortable topics that you may be avoiding.  Our intention is to bring light to these topics and make them more approachable to talk about.  Awareness, not avoidance, is the only way change for the better will take place within you, your family, your community and the world.

Without a doubt, suddenly the most important thing in a rookie mom’s life is BABY. It’s her new love, infatuation, project, job and hobby all rolled into one. Does this new obsession get in the way of established relationships? Quite often, yes it does. Those who were used to being the focus of Mom’s affection and attention now have to take a back seat, at least while she becomes accustomed to a new role and gets to grips with how to juggle priorities. Number one on this list is most likely the man in her life. I’m not suggesting that new parents’ relationships are about to fall apart or be less happy than before, but there are bound to be some ups and downs and big changes ahead while you readjust to being a family. Most moms admit that relationship issues and arguments with their man increased once a new baby was around.

Let’s face it ladies: we have little choice when it comes to bearing the brunt of the parenting experience in the early days. For a start giving birth and breastfeeding are obviously down to us. It’s our bodies (and minds) that change; change again; then refuse to change back the way we want them to. It’s us that develop the hearing of bats; sense of smell of a bloodhound; eyes in the backs of our heads; and as many arms as an octopus (we wished). In most cases it’s also us that will provide the lion’s (sorry, lioness’s) share of the care giving, at least for the first year. As hard as dads might try, they can’t fight nature and it is women whose “Spidey Senses” will be on full alert for the foreseeable future to nurture and protect the baby no matter what. But this sudden shift in the allocation of duties can cause a rift. Mom can resent that Dad is able to resume a more normal way of life whereas she is literally left ‘holding the baby’.

If strains are starting to show in your relationship now that you are rookie parents, rest assured you aren’t the only ones. In “The Audacity of Hope” even the Obamas admit to problems after the arrival of their babies. They were both tired and stressed, but while Barack pursued his (admittedly very important) career, the child rearing fell mostly on Michelle’s shoulders. As a career woman herself, attempting to juggle a part time job and the children raised resentment and the complaint: “I never thought I’d have to raise a family alone”.

Here are just a few ways to address any discontent and keep those feelings of jealousy and resentment at bay:

• It’s extremely important to keep the lines of communication open. You may be resenting how much work is falling on your shoulders, but don’t assume your partner can read your mind. Keeping dissatisfaction bottled up will lead your partner to assume everything is progressing perfectly as you fume silently.
• Let Dad take the reigns as often as possible. Make sure to include your partner in the everyday running of the new family. He can’t appreciate how tough motherhood is if he’s not fully aware.

Make sure you get time off from being a mommy. From the start, try to take at least an hour a week to yourself to relax and unwind. Also, try to swing a date night at least once a month to remind yourselves you both still exist as a couple rather than ‘Mommy and Daddy’.

This Week’s Elephant Topic Experts:

Erica Wells and Lorraine Regal

Authors Erica Wells and Lorraine Regel are real moms who have experienced the everyday ups and downs of new motherhood. Fed up with parenting resources that only provided basic information on what Mommy and Baby “should” be doing, in The Survival Guide for Rookie Moms the two Vancouver moms have provided information, tips and reassuring answers to every new mom’s questions with warmth, humour, and unflinching honesty.

 The Survival Guide for Rookie Moms (John Wiley, Canada, 2010) spills the dark and dirty beans on what it’s really like to survive that first incredible year of motherhood – available now in book stores across Canada and the USA or online at on Amazon.ca, ChaptersIndigo.ca and Amazon.com

We didn’t express gratitude in the family when I was younger. I don’t remember ever sitting around at dinner and talking about things we are thankful for.

In fact, one of my earliest memories is of me expressing how grateful I was to have a healthy body and mind and my father scoffing at me and telling me that’s a stupid thing to say. I think I was 4 years old at the time.

As a child one of the most important gifts in life is to have the approval of your parents – of anyone in the family. If you don’t have it, it doesn’t matter what else you have, deep down you feel inadequate.

This is how I felt for many years of my life. Until very recently, actually, when a dear colleague of mine took me out for coffee after notcing how overwhelmed I appeared to him. During our conversation it became clear to me that I still looked to people and things outside of myself for approval. Even as a highly educated adult, a mother, a wife, a published author and speaker, and all those other accolades that I have collected – I felt inadequate in the eyes of the world.

I cried when I realized this.

And then I expressed gratitude: to  my colleague for his powerful questions and his patience. To myself for being willing to look in places inside where these old beliefs are hidden. And to my dad for teaching me this important lesson about how it all starts in the family.

My husband, Bryan, and I openly talk with our children about how grateful we are for them and for our lives. With our kids it’s been easy to say “I’m grateful for you.” But when I tried expressing these same words to Bryan, it took me two weeks to muster up the courage because I felt inadequate. And when I finally did I was terrified that he would reject my gratitude…just like my dad had rejected it. I cried when I told Bryan how grateful I am to have him in my life. Bryan beamed at me.

So now I am practicing gratitude in the family and in my every day – especially for myself and all the things I do. This is my way of feeling adequate and allowing that adequacy to shine from the inside out.

I’m grateful for all the nuts in my family – especially my kids and Bryan.  

I’m grateful that we can have fun and laugh and that my kids feel safe talking to me about anything.

I’m grateful for all their random hugs and “I love yous.”

I’m grateful for all the love and support I have of colleagues, friends, and my whole family as I take steps on this journey that I’m on. You all mean the world to me!

It’s Thanksgiving in Canada today – but we don’t need to wait for this special day to have gratitude in the family. I wish that all parents would tell their children all the time how grateful they are for their children. And I wish that all people would spend more time forcusing on being grateful for what they have and are, instead of what they aren’t and don’t have.

The Elephant In The Room Series: Making the Uncomfortable Comfortable is a series of articles that bring you expert knowledge on uncomfortable topics that you may be avoiding.  Our intention is to bring light to these topics and make them more approachable to talk about.  Awareness, not avoidance, is the only way change for the better will take place within you, your family, your community and the world.

We all make mistakes!  We can and do hurt the people we love—sometimes innocently, sometimes by accident, sometimes on purpose.  Regardless of the cause of the hurt—intentional or unintentional—the damage is done.  As a relationship counsellor, one thing I know is that heartfelt apologies are essential to healing.

Unfortunately, many of us don’t know how to make an apology.  Absent apologies leave scars on relationships.  Over time, scars restrict the flow of love in any relationship—just like in flesh where the blood flow is restricted— the tissues of a relationship die over time.

So here’s the 7 Apology Essentials that restore “love” flow to hurt relationships!

1. Name the hurt you caused—give a detailed account of your hurtful behaviours and legitimate your partner’s feelings.  They’re not “crazy” for feeling this way—and you know it.  When you ‘fess up to what you did, you validate them.
2. Acknowledge your impact and the damage done—this way, you validate their resulting emotions.  The hurt person can see you understand the situation as it pertains to them—even if someone else might have reacted differently, you acknowledge your partner’s hurt.
3. Take responsibility for the situation and recognize your role in the harm—Don’t make excuses, rationalize away your behaviour, defend or justify your behaviours to try to avoid blame.  The intent of an apology is to repair the hurt heart of the other person, not to get you off the hook.
4. Care deeply about the hurt you caused—it should matter that you hurt someone you care about.  Twinges of guilt and remorse exist because we care, so experience them and the apologies will naturally flow.  However, acting like you care when you don’t will be sensed and render the apology ineffective.  Worse, a lack of empathy leaves you prone to repeat the behaviour in the future.  If you are truly unable to care, then get some professional help to access your compassion.
5. Know thyself–Your partner says, “How could you hurt me this way?”  Know your initial answer, “I don’t know,” isn’t sufficient!  You must look inside and figure out why you did what you did.  If you can’t explain your actions and have no insight as to why, how can your partner ever trust again?  You must face the truth about yourself—no matter how ugly!  You may not be able to undo the past, but you can seek to understand it.  If you have trouble understanding why or telling the truth, seek professional help.
6. Express your regret and ask for forgiveness—Slowly, sincerely, and succinctly say, “I’m sorry” somewhere in the apology.  You can ask for forgiveness but know the other is not required to forgive you, nor does apologizing imply your right to be forgiven.
7. Work to Earn Trust Back—Don’t repeat the hurtful behaviour again.  Back up your words of remorse or regret with action.  Keep your commitments to the hurt person.  Follow through with behaviours you promised to keep.

Remember, apologies heal the other’s hurt and restore connection.  But more importantly, when we hurt someone carelessly or purposely, we effectively debase our own humanity.  When we sincerely work to restore the other person’s love and forgiveness by confronting and correcting the damage we’ve caused, we restore our own honour and dignity.  The final outcome of apologizing, then, is repairing our relationship to self—becoming more fully human again!

Diane Anderson, MA, is a Registered Clinical Counsellor and Vancouver’s Love Coach.  A therapist, teacher, researcher, and speaker, Diane has worked with individuals and couples—aged 16-86—to create the healthy, vibrant, passionate love relationships they desire!

Diane addresses the surface symptoms of relationship problems but really alleviates the true root causes of people’s love difficulties.  Her post-graduate studies and ongoing clinical training honed the precise skills required to zero in on the barriers to intimacy we create—sometimes coaxing them aside, sometimes blasting them to bits (whatever it takes!)—to get to the truth about ourselves and to free us to love fully and deeply.  “The healing is in the feelings!” she says.

Diane authored 21 Ways to Win at Love–-a free 21-page downloadable booklet available at www.DianeAndersonCounselling.com.

Image credit: mozzercork

Have you ever gone to the store with your child only to have said child throw a spectacular meltdown in the aisle? Or have you experienced that scenario one too many times and now refuse to go anywhere near a store with your child?

A mom recently told me about how this used to happen to her and what she changed to make it stop!

This scenario usually happens because your child wants something and your answer is “not this time” or “not right now” or some variation. The child gets frustrated because she can’t have what she wants and expresses her emotions by crying or yelling so that hopefully you will give in.

So how do you avoid a situation like this without getting frustrated at your kids? The first thing you need to do is understand a bit about your child’s brain. The second thing you need to do is some preparation.

1.  Children don’t have their rational and logical brain function developed. This part of the human brain doesn’t begin to develop until the age of about 15. A child also doesn’t fully understand the concept of time and so your answers “not this time” or “not right now” are very vague. These answers mean nothing to kids other than it’s not the “yes” they wanted to hear from you.  So they continue to ask you every time you go to the store because they don’t know if this time your answer will be “yes, this time” or “yes, right now.” You get frustrated by their constant asking and they get frustrated by your vague responses.
2.  The preparation you need to do is simply having an answer for your child that makes sense to them and is age appropriate and that you’re comfortable with. Remember, you’re playing the part of logic and reasoning for your kids, so make sure that whatever you say to them is specific and makes sense at their age. This will depend on what they are asking for and what store you are in.

For example:

•  If it’s a toy and they already have three of the same kind, say “You already have three of those and you can play with them when we get home. We will not buy any more of the same toy.
• You could also tell your kids when and where you are prepared to buy a certain item: “We will buy those when we do our back to school shopping in July.”
• Or you can tell your child that they can put a certain item on their birthday, Christmas, or other list of gifts that they want.
• You can also suggest to them that they can save up their allowance or money they earn from chores to buy the item themselves.

Responses such as these will not only teach your children about how money works, how to budget money, and how they can be responsible for the things they want, but also patience. These are life skills that are invaluable for all ages, adults included. And once your children learn that your responses are logical and that they can be in control of the situation to a certain degree, they will behave themselves. This will give you, the parent, the ability to behave too.

 Imagine… no more frustrating bickering matches in the aisles…getting complimented by complete strangers about how well behaved your children are….and knowing that you’re teaching your kids important reasoning skills that they will be able to use throughout life.

I know I’m getting better and better all the time.  And I know I’m for SURE better than I used to be.  My spiritual practices are paying off and allowing me to pay it forward.

With the kids being home from school during the summer we have a way different schedule.  My husband has been working super ealy morning shifts so that we can have our evenings together as a family.  (Before he would get home after the kids were in bed. )  So his getting up at 3 am to be at work for 5 is making things interesting for sure.  The kids stay up late and still get up early and so emotions can run high sometimes.

Here’s the cool part – I’m calm!!  Yes, I get frazzled but it’s not as blow-my-lid frazzled as I used to get.  I’m 99 % more calm than frazzled.

Before, I would just let others’ energy affect me pretty much instantly.  I would take a bite out of their problem and feel whatever they were feeling – even though it wasn’t my stuff.  Now I can leave others’ stuff alone and feel what I want to feel instead of being sucked in.

This afternoon my daughter had a spectacular melt down over an activity book that she’s been working on.  I was pleasantly observing my interaciton with her and noticing how different my response was compared to when I used to just go straight into emotional reaction.

I’ve become very aware of my own emotional state in every moment. It’s very liberating and exciting for me.  I’m especially excited that I can now model how to respond instead of reacting for the kids.  Emotions are great – don’t get me wrong.  But in many situations a calm response is so much more effective than a freak out.

You and I and all human beings see the world through our own unique lens – kind of like looking through a windshield. As kids we’re born with a clean windshield and it gets smudged and cluttered up by what we learn as we grow and mature.

As a kid you experience and are told things about the world and you learn based everything that happens to you. Your conscious mind processes only a fraction of the total information that your senses are exposed to. The rest is filtered by your subconscious mind according to what it’s been conditioned to focus on – all the “stuff” on your windshield. What you focus on influences your results in life.

If you’ve ever seen a movie with your best friend or your spouse and you loved it but they didn’t, you what I mean. Two people can experience the same event in very different ways because of their windshield and what they focus on. Two people can also come from a very similar background and upbringing, have the same opportunities come their way and one will succeed and the other will struggle.

When everything in your life is working for you this means your windshield is allowing you to focus on what you want. But if you’re struggling, feeling stressed about miscommunication with your spouse or your boss, feeling like you don’t have enough meaningful connection with your children, or fighting with your health and fitness, it means your windshield is dirty. You’re focusing on what’s not working and on all the ways you try to change and it’s still not working.

To permanently change your circumstances easily, you need to start with cleaning your mental windshield. This will allow you to focus on new ways of approaching your problem and give you a fresh perspective on how you can achieve what you want. The reason for this is simple. The information that is allowed to pass through your filters influences your view of your world, your emotional state, your physiology. These three in turn make up your behaviour and lead to your results.

For example, studies have shown that negative people may perceive excitement as anger. Positive people would perceive excitement as just that: a happy and energetic state of being. Consider how differently you would behave if you perceived an excited person to be angry versus if you perceived them to be happy.

It doesn’t mean one perception is right and one is wrong, it just means that when you change your perceptions you change your experience of the world. Remember that as a parent, you’re largely responsible for your what’s on your children’s windshields because they model your behaviour. They learn your habits, your struggles, and your triumphs.

 What do you want them to model after you?

 Here are 3 questions that will assist you in cleaning your own windshield. First, consider the areas of your life where you’re not experiencing the results you want. Second, ask yourself these questions and write out your answers.

1. What perceptions of the world do you have that are sabotaging your success in this area?
2. What negative beliefs do you have about what you can and can’t do? About what’s possible or impossible? Write out your top 10.
3. How will your life change if you believe simply that you are in the process of accomplishing anything you want?

My brother and his wife welcomed their first child yesterday.  He arrived at a healthy 8 lbs 2 oz and with a full head of hair.  He’s quite possibly the handsomest little baby next to my own son (of course!).

We went to visit him (and the parents) at the hospital and as we all marvelled at how perfect he is, I started to think about what great things he will accomplish and who he will become in his life.  Babies have this ability to make us think of all the possibilities that exist for them.  He’s like a blank slate just waiting to have greatness and potential written on it.

As we grow older we tend to forget that we don’t actually lose that greatness and potential – ever!  We always have the ability to make our life into whatever we want.  But somewhere along the journey of our life we decide that we can’t do things or we can’t have things.  We become this product of our conditioning and life experience. 

A good friend and owner of Awakening Works once shared some guiding principles with me and they have become the cornerstones of my life and my business.

1. We are beings of Unlimited Possibilities with potential just waiting to be discovered – believe in yours.
2. Self Awareness and Self Understanding are what propels us to create positive change in our life
3. When we are committed to Excellence and make Conscious Choices every day we become masters of ourselves
4. Accountability and Self-Discipline create Momentum
5. Success and Happiness are always Psychological – when you change how you viewthe world, how you respond, and how you think you change your reality.

I encourage my kids and my clients to practice each of these until they become second nature.  My life has become richer and successful in all ways because of these ideas.

Kasia Rachfall helps you stop letting your past to determine your future and your now. Did the above resonate with you? Do you disagree? Do you have a new insight to add? Please share your thoughts.

My kids aren’t usually the snuggly type – sometimes I have to steal hugs.  Actually, I think they play a game with me because they make it pretty easy for me to catch them and hug them to pieces.   They’ve always been active and squirmy kids even as babies and I’m not sure what the snuggle factor depends on. 

I make it a point to hug them as often as I can during the day and say “I love you” to them.  And I LOVE it when they do it back to me – sometimes I will feel two little arms around me out of the blue and my heart just melts!

My son told me once that they were talking about hugs in class at school and that everyone needs to get 10 hugs during the day.  He gives them to me all at once when he remembers.  I wonder if there is an expert opinion on the required or recommended number of hugs and snuggles for kids? And for mommies and daddies?

How do much do your kids hug? Does it depend on the age? And I would love to know your ideas on how to increase the snuggle factor from kids?