My ideal Mothers Day a few years ago was to get away from my kids and just be alone!  I wanted to spend a day just taking care ofmy needs and wants.  I didn’t want to care about anyone else’s lunch or dinner, about dirty hands or bums, or about the endless to do list at home. 

And I have the most wonderful husband who would gladly spend the day with the kids while I did the “alone thing.”  The dumbest thing was that the whole time that I tried focusing on myself my thoughts would return to the kids and to him.

I felt indescribable guilt because after all, shouldn’t a mom want to be with her children all the time?

I felt guilty for feeling guilty because shouldn’t a mom be grateful for some self care time and be able to focus on relaxing so she can go home rejuvinated and joyful?

I felt guilty and worried about what my husband was thinking and feeling as he took care of the kids all day – after all, he worked full time and had stress at work.

And I couldn’t relax because of all this guilt and worry!  At the end of the day I would come home no more rejuvinated than if I’d spent the day in labour.

Yes, the guilt of a mother is all consuming. Once it begins it festers and encroaches on her every thought and action.  So what can moms do about it? Do we just continue to feel it even though we know it’s toxic and serves no purpose whatsoever?

I think a large part of this guilt comes from moms thinking that they just aren’t good moms and don’t deserve to feel joyful – especially when they are taking care of themselves.  Why do some moms think they’re not good enough moms?

Because:

• …when they’re with their kids they find it hard to be present with their kids and think about their to do list.
• …when they’re doing the stuff on their to do list they think they should be spending time with their kids
• …they were taught to feel this way
• …they think they should feel this way because they don’t measure up to whatever “ideal mom” they compare themselves to
• …they think they’re not good enough human beings, period.

So how do we combat this guilt?  I can speak only about what I’ve experienced worked for me and for the clients I’ve helped heal. 

1. It’s important to clear out our past baggage – the negative emotions and whatever else we’ve picked up over the years that we carry in our concrete backpack on our backs.  This emotional and mental clearing really makes you feel happy and gives you clarity – you are more objective and you can cut yourself some slack.  You realize that you’re doing the best you can with what you know.
2. Set aside time each day to be mindfully present with your children – even if it’s a short time.  During this time only focus on them and nothing else.  Denise Rai calls this Momfulness.
3. Set aside time each day to be mindfully present with yourself – even if it’s a short time.  Think of nothing else but your own self care - whatever that means to you. 

Even just taking these three simple steps will help you love yourself and your children more.  When we only have love in our hearts it’s impossible to feel guilt.  I love my Mothers Days with my kids now – no more guilt and no more worry!  I’ve been able to create that balance that I always longed for.

It seems counterintuitive that to eliminate mom guilt the mom needs to do more for herself – but that old cliche is so true: “When mama’s not happy, no body’s happy.”

I’ve had a book called The One Minute Millionaire on my book shelf for at least 4 years. It’s written by Mark Victor Hansen and Robert G Allen. I picked it up last week and in the first few pages I read something so profound that it’s taken me a few days to process it. It’s one of those pieces of information that I was aware of and had heard before but I just wasn’t ready to understand yet.

This time I was ready.

It said “To become a millionaire you first have to decide to be one.”

This struck me as so profound because I realized that that’s the first step to achieving anything! Deciding to do it! And of course I’ve made decisions in the past and achieved things, but there have been a few things in my life that have so disorganized that they seemed unreachable.

Many people dream of becoming a millionaire, including me. And what was even more profound is the shift that I felt when I decided to be one instead of just dreaming about it. Holy moly! I felt charged up, energized, and even more on purpose. I anchored that feeling right away.

The book went on to describe that you can make your million the slow way (saving a bit every month in a high interest account) or the fast way (in real estate, business, etc). And what’s more, is you can work on both ways at the same time!

This floored me. Positively just stopped me in my tracks. Of course you can do it both ways at once!

I immediately thought how can I apply this new way of thinking to other areas in my life? I don’t know why I had pigeon holed myself into thinking that there is only one right way to do something – whether it’s in a career, a relationship, or in health. For some reason I had decided that I couldn’t work on a goal or a vision in more than one way. That once you choose a way you stick to it until you think it’s time to change and then you choose a new way. That’s silly!

Now as I’ve processed these amazing insights life got a whole lot easier. Combined with my new understanding of what a vision is…I can achieve whatever I want! And I’ve always known that, of course, but it seems like now the HOW just became clearer.

I want to have a certain relationship with my husband, my kids, my friends; I want to have my finances a certain way; I want my business to be a certain way…and NOW I can see more than ONE WAY to get there!! Doesn’t that take the pressure off?

As I sit here writing I am still processing how groundbreaking this was for me. I would love to know if this has changed your approach to your goals in any way? Please comment and share.

Have you ever felt so happy that you thought you could just fly or burst with the fulfillment and elation you felt?

Have you ever felt so angry or so sad that your body shook with the rage or seemed to shut itself down from the weight of that emotion?

Emotions are powerful enough to evoke physical reactions in our bodies. And emotions come from our reactions to the world around us – from what we perceive the world to be and from what we tell ourselves about our world. Negative self talk causes us to feel differently than positive self talk. There is a growing body of scientific evidence that being positive or kind towards yourself can save your life in many ways.

Dr Deepak Chopra, an MD and Quantum Biologist, discovered that neurotransmitters exist in every cell in our body. These are chemicals that transmit messages from the brain and scientists used to think they existed only in the brain. So when we think a thought that causes an emotion, that emotion travels with the neurotransmitter throughout our body – it is not just confined to our brain.

What’s more, when a cell in our body dies, its replacement is set up to receive the type of neurotransmitter that the dead cell received most often. This means that if the brain constantly flooded the body with happy or excited messages/emotions, the new cells will have more receptor sites for happy neurotransmitters. If, on the other hand, the body was flooded with anger, sadness, fear, or guilt, the new cells will be programmed to receive the negative neurotransmitters. This is one reason why some people are always looking on the bright side and why some wouldn’t know happiness if it hit them in the face. They are programmed for that emotion down to the cellular level.

Science has proven that excess amounts of stress and negative emotions absolutely impact our bodies. In fact, too much negative emotion has been correlated to the following dis-eases, as presented by the Journal of the American Medical Association (6/1996) and Advanced Neuro Dynamics (4/2009):

Anger: heart attack, heightened cholesterol

Sadness: weakened immune system, depression

Fear: excessive stress, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), phobia

Guilt: lowered healing energy, cancer

So how does kindness save your life? Here are 5 ways:

1. When you’re kind to yourself and you speak to yourself in a positive and empowering way, your body is healthier throughout your life because you don’t attract dis-ease all the time and you don’t feel drained and empty at the end of the day.

2. Your cells receive the positive neurotransmitters more often than the negative ones which means you’re better able to handle negativity when it does come up. You don’t experience an emotional roller coaster; rather your emotional wellbeing is steady and positive.

3. Your relationship with your children is more meaningful and close. When you love yourself you automatically treat yourself better. Your children model this behaviour and learn to love themselves and are more authentic and self assured individuals. They learn that self care is of utmost importance in life.

4. Your partner, friends, and others in your life feel more comfortable around you because when your self talk is positive, you radiate that out to the world. Others can trust that you’re not going to be a negative “ninny” and bring the mood down or complain all the time. Your life is fuller because people genuinely enjoy being around you.

5. Your internal positive focus attracts to you external positives. Whether this means opportunities in your business or chosen career, in your personal life, or with your family, your life is full with experiences that enrich your time here. You know that your life has meaning to you and others.

It’s important to practice positive self talk and do give yourself a break when you catch yourself talking down to yourself. You’ll know you’re making progress when you’re in the heat of an emotional moment or under pressure and rather than reacting and saying mean things to yourself (like you used to in the past), you remain calm and are kind to yourself. Dr Wayne Dyer has a great quote that says “Orange juice comes out of an orange when it’s squeezed. What comes out of you when you’re squeezed (under pressure) is what’s truly inside.” Kindness leads to a better life for yourself and your children in countless ways.

There’s a great quote that I’ve read that always makes me stop and reflect:

      “To avoid criticism say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.” ~ Elbert Hubbard

The first time I read it I had a light bulb go on.  It takes real courage to do.  As much as being is important, doing can teach us a lot.  And not just doing for the sake of keeping busy.  I`m referring to the doing of that which naturally takes us closer to fulfilling our purpose here.

All the advancements in our civilization have come from others doing things – and facing the scrutiny and criticism of others.  I’ve come to realize that when we criticize or judge the ideas or work of others it’s because we either don’t believe, are afraid, or lack courage ourselves.  And by criticism I don`t mean authentic and well intended feedback that leads to improvement and growth.

Every time we criticize or judge it’s because something in the subject/object of our criticism brought up our own “stuff” – something we dislike in ourselves.  We can defend our own point of view by labeling the subject/object any number of names that we hope justifies our point of view.  Deep down, though, it`s all meant to deflect our attention away from whatever we are uncomfortable with inside ourselves. 

Human beings won`t stop creating, thinking, building, writing, learning…doing.  Every person, situation, and thing we are faced with in our life can teach us something.  We can either choose to judge and criticize it or we can choose to look within ourselves and learn something about ourselves when our “stuff” comes up.  Self reflection and learning take just as much courage as putting our creations and ideas out there for others to experience.

Children have a natural tendency to experience the world with awe and wonder.  They don`t automatically jump to what`s wrong with something that someone else created.  Children are courageous and ask questions and explore the old, the new, the regular and the different.  Children must be taught to judge and criticize – and I don`t know if that`s an important lesson to have to learn…what do you think?

Unlearning the act of criticism is something that also take courage.  And once we`re able to experience the ideas and works of others with the same type of awe that children do, we will feel a sense of freedom.  Of course not every idea or creation will fit into our own model of the world – but perhaps it will teach us something.  As parents we can then help our children to continue to have open minds and hearts and the courage to be and do what they are here for.  By letting go of judgment and criticism we open ourselves up to experiencing the world from a new direction.  By realizing that our ideas and creations will help others hopefully learn something, no matter how big or small, we have the courage to continue doing instead of choosing to be, say, or do nothing.

I took a different approach to this year’s goals.  This new approach was inspired by the book Manifesting Change by Mike Dooley.  In it he talks a lot about how to really get what you want. And although I disagree with some of it and in my opinion, he skirts a few issues that are important, it’s a fantastic read and really gets you thinking about how to get what you want.  I mean really, in layman’s terms and it makes sense what he says.

So my goals for this year are still related to my business and my family life, but this year I’m focused more on internal stuff.  By that I mean on the way I feel and what type of experience I want to creat in my life as opposed to just having a goal for goal’s sake and because it’s what I should have as a business owner. 

My main focus this year is prosperity – that’s my one word theme for 2011.  All my results that I want to achieve center around this theme.  And it’s not just about money because money has only a little bit to do with prosperity. 

This year I want to creat meaning in every moment that I have with my family.  I want to continue to connect in meaningful ways with friends and new business people.  I want to feel that every action I take or don’t take really has a purpose in bringing me closer to my end result.  I want to greedily FEEL more good emotions than negative ones.  I want to do whatever I can do help others become what they are meant to be. I also want to take very good care of me – emotionally, physically, and spiritually. 

I’m going to

1. Be Grateful for everything I am and have in my life right now.

2. Focus on my end results.

3. Take action every day.

All these things bring prosperity in material and non-material ways.  So as much as I have financial goals and fitness goals with numbers in them, the numbers are not necessarily the main focus for me.  The experience is the main focus.  And that’s different from what I’ve done in the past.  I’m really excited about my year and my new approach!

Do you sometimes have days when you feel like you got nothing done? It seems like you time spend zipping from one errand to the next, take the kids from here to there, do this, do that…and at the end of it all your to do list remains undone. Been there done that! It’s the fastest way to frustration!

What if you were to stop and actually take inventory of what you did accomplish during such a day? That list would be long, I’m sure. Just because you didn’t do everything on your proverbial to do list, doesn’t mean you got nothing done.

Writing down all the big and small tasks that you do accomplish each day goes a long way to make you feel really good about yourself. It’s like having a backwards to do list. Instead of writing the list and crossing off things as you do them, you just write the things you’ve done! To me the best part of a list is the crossing off part – I’ve even writted in tasks I’ve accomplished that weren’t on there just so I can cross them off!

Feeling good about yourself and being grateful for what you do accomplish is important to keep your energy and motivation high. This is why taking an inventory of what you’ve accomplished this past year is a great idea to set the momentum for the new year.

It’s easy to slip into that same mentality of “I got nothing done last year that I wanted to do!” Chances are that’s not true at all. Take a moment and write out a list of all your accomplishments since the beginning of the year and revel in it!

And if there were some things that you wanted to do but didn’t – well, you can choose to focus on doing them now. Ask yourself:

What changes will you make that will help you accomplish those goals next year?

What resources do you already have in place to accomplish them?

What resources do you need?

Then just take action. And remember to pat yourself on the back for everything you do get done. Focusing your energy on what you don’t do or have or on what’s wrong in your life brings you more of the same.

What are you willing to do differently next year to make sure you’re in the place you want to be in December 2011?

I hear several people I know talk about going on a date night with their significant other. This, in my opinion is a very important part of a healthy relationship especially if you have kids. And it can sometimes be tough to get some quiet time, just the two of you.

There is, however, a catch to date night. Do not do the same thing every date night. You can fall into a rut and then your special night becomes another routine and no longer special.

I am a firm believer in “wooing” my wife even though we have been married for 10 years. I like to be creative.  OftenI like to do something really special like a surprise mini vacation, a night away, a reallyfancy dinner at a restaurant we have never been to before, or a show of some sort. 

The key to a really good surprise date night is to be creative. When you are planning it pretend that you are still trying to win her heart. Trust me, it will do wonders for your relationship by keeping you out of a rut.

I would love to hear what you come up with. Leave a comment and let me know.

I believe that UNPLUGGING yourself from technology and media influence is a very inportant part to any persons life. I do not mean to unplug permanently, but we all need to take a break from our Blackberry, IPhone/Ipod, Android and all the fantastic social media options available to us now. I believe in technology 100%. I have a Blackberry myself and love what I can do with it. It has been a means for Kasia and I to stay connected when she is 3,000 miles away from home and the kids want to tell her something that just happened or just to say I Love You at random. It has also been an incredible option for me to be able to stay connected via email as I am not home very often. But all of that can take over a persons life very quickly. It has been stated in the media the the last thing that most people do is check their social media and it is also the first thing that they do when they get up in the morning. We need to turn this stimuli off once in a while and get ourselves away from the connections so that we can reconnect with the Universe. What I mean by reconnecting with the Universe is that, we all need to get into nature once in awhile, and this is what i mean by plugging ourselves in. Dr. Deepak Chopra states that when we return to nature it is the fastest way for us to recharge our batteries. You cannot however recharge your batteries when you are distracted by oustside stimuli like you iphone or blackberry. Take the time to enjoy your surroundings and REALLY take it all in. Take really deep breaths enjoying what nature smells like. Stop at a lookout or two and enjoy the view. Go with someone you love and take the time to re-connect with them as well. We do this regularily in our family even if we just go to the local nature park not far from our house. I find that I have a much higher more centred level of energy after our walk or hike and its a great way to educate your kids on how to respect nature. I suggest leaving your technology at home or in the car when you go, but if you must carry it with you, TURN IT OFF COMPLETELY, not just on silent mode. I will now use one of my favorite lines from the Comor sports store. “Go Play Outside.”