The Christmas weekend is only 5 days away and I’ve experienced first hand how crazy this time of year can get. (that is of course if you let it)

Are you one of those people that tries to make everything absolutely “perfect?”.I put perfect in quotations because perfect is different for absolutely everyone. Do you take on more than you want to, because you feel you need to entertain ALL your friends and family at this time of year? Do you create more stress than you need to? Do you spend more money than you know you should? Do you decorate more than is necessary? ALL of these things have one thing in common, they take time and energy. If you are not fully LOVING all those activities you can generate a lot of really negative energy. And this energy can and will be felt by everyone around you.

Here is my take on it. Over time, Christmas has become the most commercialized holiday of the year. I personally do not agree with this thought process. A few gifts, fine. But really, I believe the gift purchasing has gotten out of hand and everyone worries that the person they are buying for will not like their gift, so you may buy a bigger or more expensive gift and on and on and on. (It’s Just Stuff)

I, unfortunately, have spent many a Christmas away from home due to work and have missed much of the family hoopla.  Crazy and weird it sounds, thought, I look forward to that every year. Michael Bublé put it best in his Christmas special last week when he said “Christmas is when we get together, put our petty differences aside and create new petty differences.” This made me laugh out loud, because seriously, this is true for many people.

NOW, it is more important than ever to slow down, take a step(or two) back and really look at what you have to appreciate this year. NOT the Stuff. Look at your relationship with your spouse, your kids, all your other family and friends and most importantly your relationship with yourself. Really look at the fun you have had this past year. Stay away from the negative stuff, it doesn’t matter right now. And please DO NOT subscribe to the craziness that people put on themselves and then they end up not enjoying and not really remembering the holiday season.

Merry Christmas and a Happy and Healthy New Year to all our readers.

Bryan Rachfall is the CEO of Fresh Perspective Works. His creativity and magical computer skills keep things rolling smoothly. He’s also an empowered dad and a true visionary that’s forging the path for parents around the world to empower their kids.

When I worked in corporate I had set hours: 8:30-4:30. I had to be there and fill the time in between with work or if there wasn’t enough work, I had to look busy. That “set hours” mentality has been tough to unlearn even though it’s been almost two years since I haven’t worked in corporate. It’s an old habit that has recently cropped up with mega stress for me!

As a business owner I can set my own hours and be as efficient or as laid back as I want. Of course the most logical thing for a business owner to do is to be efficient. My drive for efficiency was stressing me out! It’s been a big source of overwhelm for me because my to do list never really gets shorter. In fact, it just keeps growing.

One day Bryan said to me that I don’t have to stick to the usual corporate hours anymore – I work in my own business and I can set my hours! So why was I getting all stressed out? Indeed, why?

I had followed experts’ advice and put a pause on all extra activities while I was building my business foundation. The problem now was that I never hit play on those fun things again. I continued to deny myself fun times in the interest of efficiency and that darned to do list. This meant that because I wasn’t having any fun I wasn’t being any fun either.

I was snippy with the kids and with Bryan. I wasn’t present or mindful with them and I felt bad about it – but I couldn’t really put my finger on what my biggest source of stress was!

Then Christmas came around and I started reading some of my old craft magazines. I loved crafting and drawing and painting and sewing but I had put a pause on it! Well, it was time to unpause.

SO this past weekend I dug out a bunch of paints, paper, and other doodads and the kids and I made Christmas cards. And we had so much fun! I didn’t care about the mess or the glitter that even ended up on our cats somehow. I just lost myself in the fun of creating again.

I got this cool book from a new friend named Violette who is a great artist lives in a magical cottage in White Rock. She told me that art saved her life and she wrote this book called Journal Bliss. Now I was rediscovering how art was putting fun back into my life.

The kids made amazing creations and my cards are pretty cool too. Now I am definitely going to make the time every day to doodle or draw something. It makes me happy. And it’s simply true that when Mama’s happy so is the rest of the family. I have more patience and I feel more joyous around my family. I’m sure they are glad to have a more fun mommy too!

Is there something that you have put a pause on that you want to go back to doing? Would it fill your soul to dive back into that activity?

I’d love to know what it is! Please share on my Facebook page or in the comments.

Here are some of our creations:

]]> http://www.freshperspectiveworks.com/2011/12/12/creative-stress-management/feed/ 3 http://www.freshperspectiveworks.com/2011/10/24/the-saga-of-the-inner-control-freak-continues/ http://www.freshperspectiveworks.com/2011/10/24/the-saga-of-the-inner-control-freak-continues/#comments Mon, 24 Oct 2011 22:51:06 +0000 Kasia http://www.freshperspectivefamily.com/?p=2087

Ok, so the house cleaner coming led me to have a MAJOR control freak style meltdown. Trust me, I felt like I was crazy sitting in my office and meditating my insanity away, listening to the cleaners vacuum, dust, etc, upstairs

What had gotten me so riled up? It was my Inner Control Freak…just on a whole new, different and surprisingly deeper level. When I got home from dropping off the kids at school the cleaners were already there, busily doing their thing. I should have been grateful…instead, I was mortified when I saw that every light in the house was on.  They had loaded the 5 dishes in the sink into the dishwasher and were running it…75% empty! The scent of the supposedly “green” cleaning solution was overwhelmingly slamming itself into my nose.

Like I said. I freaked out inside. Why couldn’t I just feel grateful? Why?

I ran into my office, spread out my cobalt blue cloth, lit my candle, and meditated on my snazzy round meditating pillow.

I was pissed off at myself. How could I possibly be poking holes and scoffing at having my house cleaned for me!? Of all the indignant, ungrateful, dumb things to freak out about, I was freaking out about someone else cleaning my toilets and floors.

I decided being mad wouldn’t solve anything and so I dove headfirst into the anger, taking my control freak with me. I felt the anger fully and cried big tears. All I wanted to do was be grateful and yet here was this giant wall of out of control anger that was so big and so tall inside me!

Working through the layers of emotions I discovered that it originated from the part of me that wants to save the world and it’s precious resources. We recycle as much as possible and ensure that we do our best to conserve energy in all the ways we can at our house. So when I walked in and found all the lights on and the empty dishwasher running, this part of me went berserk.

As I continued to ask this part of me what was its highest intention I realized that it’s to lead others by example and with kindness and to help me save the world. As they say, you get more bees with honey than with vinegar. As I integrated this part into my being I calmed my control freak down and I felt gratitude.

And the solution became clear to me. I would simply speak to the cleaning company and ask them not to use the stinky cleaner. I’m happy to provide my Norwex cleaning paste instead. I would also ask them not to run the dishwasher if it’s not completely full…they can load it and just leave it for us to fill up and turn on. I would lead by example and perhaps, they would think twice before using up electricity in another home. And I realized that they needed the lights to finish the job and every light was turned off when they left.

I would not have been able to get to that place of clarity and gratitude if I had simply continued to rage and allow that control freak to reign over me. It’s what I used to do but now I’m wiser and have tools that work so much better and empower me and my family.

Mind reading is NOT an accurate way for moms to know what others are thinking. So it’s NOT an accurate way for others to know what moms are thinking, wanting or needing. Yet so many moms do it and expect others to do it too!

Just like in the first mistake (get your free report 5 Mistakes Moms Make) where moms assume their kids should know better, assuming that others know exactly what we want and need is not a good strategy!

Until the day telepathy is an everyday human skill, moms will have to verbally communicate our wants and needs so that everyone involved is clear and understands.

We all perceive the world differently because we all have different conditioning.

Our beliefs shape everything about us including our behaviours, emotional responses, expectations, and values. We cannot assume that anyone else in our life – not even those we love most – can know exactly how we perceive the world or what we need and want at any point in time. Our family may have a pretty good idea based on the past they share with us – but again, their perception is only as good as what we’ve communicated to them.

Everyone has their own set of subconscious filters through which they perceive the world. These filters delete, distort, and generalize those perceptions based on what you’ve been conditioned to focus on. It’s like having your very own windshield to look through at the world. As you live and grow this windshield gets smudged with negativity, other peoples ideas and expectations, and your experiences. And everyone has their own dirt on their own windshield.

And your kids’ windshields are being smudged and dirtied up by everything that they are exposed to.

So when you mind read that your partner, friend or coworker needs or wants something or is behaving a certain way, that’s only your perception of what’s going on. Their reality may be completely different than your perception. Until they clearly communicate to you what’s going on you cannot ever be certain just by observing the situation and mind reading.

Clear communication is a key to overcoming this mistake. If you don’t voice your needs, wants, or concerns then you cannot ever expect others to clearly know what’s going with you. This is why others may not always give you what they think you need – because they don’t know. They can only guess based on their own perceptions.

Communicate! It will change your life.

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image credit: deflam

“A year from now you may wish you had started today.” ~Karen Lamb

I just love this quote and wanted to share it with you all.  So often we get caught up in worrying about how long something will take us before we finish it – that we don’t even start. 

I was speaking to a woman once who was almost 40 and worked in an industry she didn’t love anymore.  She had always wanted to go into nursing, but every time she had wanted to sign up for nursing courses she would follow that exact train of thought: “It will be 4 years before I’m done nursing school, by then I will be 30 years old and….(insert reason for not doing it here)”

She told me she had talked herself out of nursing school 3 times now and in hindsight, regretted it.  Because when she would soon reach the age of 40 and she realized that those 4 years of school would have been nothing compared to still working in an industry she didn’t love.  And now at 40 it would be so much harder to go back to school…wouldn’t it?  And the inner critic drones on and on.

It’s funny how we don’t question that our children have to go to school for so many years.  We encourage them and we cheer them on to try different things and learn new things but as soon as we’re a certain age we decide that we’re too old to learn.  There is no rule anywhere that says “By age ___ you’re too OLD to try new things.”

This quote by Karen Lamb reminds me that I’m never too old to start anything and that regret is a high price to pay for procrastination and reasons for not starting something. 

So what if we change careers fifteen times in our life? 

So what if we change cars every year or rearrange the furniture every month? 

So what if we move around the world every few years to start over?

As long as our soul is living it’s purpose and we’re adding value to our own life and the life of others – especially our children – then we will never regret what we do.

What’s the most common answer to any question? I’ll give you a hint – it’s 3 words.

(ok, I’ll give you the answer: it’s “I don’t know.”)

Have you ever said these 3 words to yourself in frustration?

Have your partner or kids ever said these words to you?

Is this the answer you automatically think of when a challenging question comes up?

What’s the result of this in your life?

Have you ever found yourself seeking answers in your life and the answers just didn’t come to you? Those three words – I Don’t Know – create a self fulfilling prophecy for us if we use them repeatedly.

How?

Researchers have found that our Unconscious Mind is the age of a 5-7 year old child. For those of you who know 5-7 year olds – they are very literal and need clear instructions to follow. They don’t understand sarcasm or oxymorons.

This is exactly how your Unconscious Mind is too. So when you repeatedly tell yourself “I don’t know” you’re telling your Unconscious Mind not to know – to not even bother trying to know. So it stops helping you figure out answers. It stops supporting you in the decisions you make – you get stuck in “I don’t knowness.”

Jack Canfield, one of the Chicken Soup For The Soul authors says you always have to know what you want - even the simplest stuff like what color of soap to buy. Why? It’s not to be nitpicky and petty. It’s to practice with small choices so that when it comes to making big choices you can do it more easily and with conviction. When you always know what you want you avoid the “I don’t know” curse more easily.

My clients tend to use “I don’t know” as their default answer when we first begin working together – I do ask some pretty tough questions. I ask these questions because my job is to assist clients in figuring out what’s holding them back. If all I get is “I don’t know” then I ask “If you did know, what would the answer be?”

If they still repeatedly say “I don’t know” I give them The Talk. Saying I don’t know is a cop out! It is! The reason you’re in the circumstances you’re in – whether it’s your health, family issues, relationship or love life issues, or whatever you don’t like right now – is because you’ve told yourself You Don’t Know! You haven’t put any energy into knowing or wanting to know because it’s easier just to Not Know. I get that. But don’t you get so frustrated when you ask your kids something and they say “I don’t know?” Or when your partner says “I don’t know” when you ask them what they want to do/eat/or do whatever?

Why is it important to stop using I Don’t Know as a default in your life?

Saying “I Don’t Know” is an easy answer but if you want a better life for yourself and your kids then who do you think has to know what that life looks/feels/sounds like if not you?

Do you expect there to be a “I Know All” genie who will appear and tell you what to do? What to feel?

I wish!

And if your kids hear you use these three words all the time – they will use them too. They will learn to not know what they want too.

So how do you break this curse?

You will not always know the answer – this isn’t about being omniscient. It’s ok to not know some things – it matters how you approach not knowing.

1. You forgive yourself for not knowing up until now.
2. Change your language and your thoughts to “I haven’t known up until now, and if I were to figure this out, I would…..” insert new way of being that you want to be.

You will be amazed over time how your mind and the universe just step up to the plate to support you and guide you.

Sometimes I find with kids it’s “cool” to just be aloof and pretent they don’t know. Don’t let them get away with it. It’s self respect to know what you want. Always. Because if you don’t know what you want you will fall for anything that anyone else wants. We don’t want that for our kids.

So gently guide yourself and your kids to make choices – always. Ask – I know you don’t know but if you did, what would your answer be? This may be annoying at first – especially to your kids, – but they will be grateful that they always had the choice to make up their mind on stuff. And it will serve them well in life to have this skill.

So I’ve come out of the closet that I’m a spiritual mom.  I embrace the fact that I can feel energy and I work with Angels and I do remote healings with people.  I have this sense of calm about things and I can stay cool as a cucumber in most situations – KEY word – MOST.

When do I not stay calm?  When I’m battling for turf with yeast and ego!

Let me explain…

My husband and I are both battling Candida – no, it’s not anything related to candy.  It’s not nearly as much fun as candy.  In fact, it has turned my life upside down!  Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually.

Candida is a yeast that normally lives in human beings.  If you have ever had antibiotics, surgery, pregnancy, or any other experience that unbalanced the microflora in your gut in any way, and didn’t replenish the good microflora sufficiently- the Candida can rapidly overtake your system and wreak havoc!  This havoc can include poor memory, weight loss or gain, adrenal issues including thyroid, low libido, emotional ups/downs, intolerance to foods or smells, and the list goes on and on and on!

This is where Bryan and I found ourselves a while ago.  I’m glad it didn’t affect our kids.  I got a book on this issue and we’ve changed our whole diet to kill off this yeast naturally and replenish the good microflora.  Sounds simple, right?  It isn’t!

The new way of eating is fine.  We’re eating whole grains like quinoa and amaranth (so yummy!) and lots of vegetables.  We’ve cut out wheat and sugar – thank God for Stevia!  I just wasn’t prepared for the way this Candida yeast would fight back!

Our doctor, who is an MD and Natural Dr and Intuitive all in one person (cool, I know!), said that after 3-4 weeks of the physical detox occurs the emotional detox.  Emotions live in our body and as toxins and the dead Candida cells are released, so are the stored up emotions. 

Well, let me tell you, this emotional detox has been worse for me than any of the physical stuff.  I thought the PMS was bad before I discovered I had this condition – this feels SO much worse!

The saving grace for me is that I have developed calmness through my spiritual practices and I am very aware of how I feel.  For the most part I stay out of everyone’s way lately.  It’s just better for everyone.  I didn’t realize how emotionally draining it would be to go through this cleanse process and I started thinking there was truly something even more wrong with me…until I read about how our ego fights back when we’re on a spiritual journey.

The ego feels threatened because when we’re living from spirit and inspiration, we don’t need ego anymore.  We make decisions from the heart and not from the head.  So we feel great and calm and happy until the ego realizes that it’s being edged out and no longer needed – of course it’s going to fight!  Double whammy in my case! 

So as I’m starving the Candida in my physical body by not feeding it sugar or wheat anymore, I’m also apparently starving my ego by leading a more and more spiritual existence.  It’s interesting that they both had to fight back at the same time.  Seems I’m purging the physical and emotional stuff all in one shot.  I’m just grateful that this doesn’t last forever and I just have to stay focused on what I want – my health and calmness back. 

It’s on the horizon.

Have you ever gone to the store with your child only to have said child throw a spectacular meltdown in the aisle? Or have you experienced that scenario one too many times and now refuse to go anywhere near a store with your child?

A mom recently told me about how this used to happen to her and what she changed to make it stop!

This scenario usually happens because your child wants something and your answer is “not this time” or “not right now” or some variation. The child gets frustrated because she can’t have what she wants and expresses her emotions by crying or yelling so that hopefully you will give in.

So how do you avoid a situation like this without getting frustrated at your kids? The first thing you need to do is understand a bit about your child’s brain. The second thing you need to do is some preparation.

1.  Children don’t have their rational and logical brain function developed. This part of the human brain doesn’t begin to develop until the age of about 15. A child also doesn’t fully understand the concept of time and so your answers “not this time” or “not right now” are very vague. These answers mean nothing to kids other than it’s not the “yes” they wanted to hear from you.  So they continue to ask you every time you go to the store because they don’t know if this time your answer will be “yes, this time” or “yes, right now.” You get frustrated by their constant asking and they get frustrated by your vague responses.
2.  The preparation you need to do is simply having an answer for your child that makes sense to them and is age appropriate and that you’re comfortable with. Remember, you’re playing the part of logic and reasoning for your kids, so make sure that whatever you say to them is specific and makes sense at their age. This will depend on what they are asking for and what store you are in.

For example:

•  If it’s a toy and they already have three of the same kind, say “You already have three of those and you can play with them when we get home. We will not buy any more of the same toy.
• You could also tell your kids when and where you are prepared to buy a certain item: “We will buy those when we do our back to school shopping in July.”
• Or you can tell your child that they can put a certain item on their birthday, Christmas, or other list of gifts that they want.
• You can also suggest to them that they can save up their allowance or money they earn from chores to buy the item themselves.

Responses such as these will not only teach your children about how money works, how to budget money, and how they can be responsible for the things they want, but also patience. These are life skills that are invaluable for all ages, adults included. And once your children learn that your responses are logical and that they can be in control of the situation to a certain degree, they will behave themselves. This will give you, the parent, the ability to behave too.

 Imagine… no more frustrating bickering matches in the aisles…getting complimented by complete strangers about how well behaved your children are….and knowing that you’re teaching your kids important reasoning skills that they will be able to use throughout life.

My ideal Mothers Day a few years ago was to get away from my kids and just be alone!  I wanted to spend a day just taking care ofmy needs and wants.  I didn’t want to care about anyone else’s lunch or dinner, about dirty hands or bums, or about the endless to do list at home. 

And I have the most wonderful husband who would gladly spend the day with the kids while I did the “alone thing.”  The dumbest thing was that the whole time that I tried focusing on myself my thoughts would return to the kids and to him.

I felt indescribable guilt because after all, shouldn’t a mom want to be with her children all the time?

I felt guilty for feeling guilty because shouldn’t a mom be grateful for some self care time and be able to focus on relaxing so she can go home rejuvinated and joyful?

I felt guilty and worried about what my husband was thinking and feeling as he took care of the kids all day – after all, he worked full time and had stress at work.

And I couldn’t relax because of all this guilt and worry!  At the end of the day I would come home no more rejuvinated than if I’d spent the day in labour.

Yes, the guilt of a mother is all consuming. Once it begins it festers and encroaches on her every thought and action.  So what can moms do about it? Do we just continue to feel it even though we know it’s toxic and serves no purpose whatsoever?

I think a large part of this guilt comes from moms thinking that they just aren’t good moms and don’t deserve to feel joyful – especially when they are taking care of themselves.  Why do some moms think they’re not good enough moms?

Because:

• …when they’re with their kids they find it hard to be present with their kids and think about their to do list.
• …when they’re doing the stuff on their to do list they think they should be spending time with their kids
• …they were taught to feel this way
• …they think they should feel this way because they don’t measure up to whatever “ideal mom” they compare themselves to
• …they think they’re not good enough human beings, period.

So how do we combat this guilt?  I can speak only about what I’ve experienced worked for me and for the clients I’ve helped heal. 

1. It’s important to clear out our past baggage – the negative emotions and whatever else we’ve picked up over the years that we carry in our concrete backpack on our backs.  This emotional and mental clearing really makes you feel happy and gives you clarity – you are more objective and you can cut yourself some slack.  You realize that you’re doing the best you can with what you know.
2. Set aside time each day to be mindfully present with your children – even if it’s a short time.  During this time only focus on them and nothing else.  Denise Rai calls this Momfulness.
3. Set aside time each day to be mindfully present with yourself – even if it’s a short time.  Think of nothing else but your own self care - whatever that means to you. 

Even just taking these three simple steps will help you love yourself and your children more.  When we only have love in our hearts it’s impossible to feel guilt.  I love my Mothers Days with my kids now – no more guilt and no more worry!  I’ve been able to create that balance that I always longed for.

It seems counterintuitive that to eliminate mom guilt the mom needs to do more for herself – but that old cliche is so true: “When mama’s not happy, no body’s happy.”

My kids are both in karate and one of the things they practice is board breaking.  There are several different colors of boards – from white to black – each indicating a higher level of difficulty.  White being the easiest to break and black the hardest.  The kids have to kick the board to break it in half.   Each board is made of plastic and hinged in a way to simulate a wooden board 12″ square board.

Kasia breaking a board at NLP training.

The kids all line up and one by one they attempt to break the boards.  They key is in how they set up their approach and where they focus their energy – strength has actually very little to do with what color of board you can break.

Our kids used to just run up and give the board a random kick, usually without successfully breaking it.  They’ve now learned to take their time and set up their stance, focus, and energy before they kick to make sure their foot lands where it is supposed to.  They also have to envision their foot going through the board – not just stop on the board.  More often than not, they succeed in breaking consistently more difficult boards. 

I’ve broken a wooden board at trainings before and the same principles hold true – focus, energy, follow through.

There is a lot we can learn from this simple board breaking exercise – as kids and as parents.  Breaking a board can be like accomplishing any number of things in our life.  Sometimes we can get caught up in just wanting to get stuff done and we hurry through it without much thought.  The task or goal may get accomplished or it may turn out completely differently than we want.

When we take the time to figure out exactly what we want our outcome to be and focus our energy, the resources and guidance tend to show up and we succeed.  Our subconscious mind gets on board and helps us notice all the ways in which we are achieving our goal.  This is called activating the Reticular Activating System.  If we rush through things without knowing what we want then we will miss the mark or end up with results we didn’t want.

Slowing down and focusing to gain clarity about what we want allows us to achieve faster.  This is a life skill that we can apply everywhere.